[day 16] day of remembrance

Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. A day set aside to remember our babies that are no longer with us. A day to set aside all societal excuses, and simply light a candle to signify the loss of a little one in your own life, or another's. If infant loss has not affected your family, it is a good, yearly reminder to pray for those families that are affected.
So while October 15th has passed, take a moment today to remember those that have lost a little one.

From a momma that has two babies in heaven, I say thank you.

[day 8] walk to remember

This morning my family is participating in the annual Walk to Remember, coordinated by Heartstrings, a local infant and pregnancy loss support group. I am allowing myself the time to think back and remember Nathan, to acknowledge his existence, and to share his story with others. While the excuses are plentiful - he's been gone for over three years now, I have two children here to love on and attend to, he never even took a breath on earth with us, blah, blah - I am denying Satan the triumph of erasing Nathan's memory and belittling God's faithfulness to us during that time by walking.

I'm not sure what to expect. Honestly, I think that the sheer number of people in attendance, all having lost a child, will be enough to break my heart and drive me to tears. I will want to reach out and hug every woman there, having experienced the same type of pain. Through Nathan's loss, God has opened my eyes to the volume of families experiencing such a loss. Whether a still birth (like ours), an early loss (like ours), or a loss after birth, the act of losing a child is an unnatural experience. No parent ever considers the idea of burying a child. It's unthinkable. Gratefully, God is an expert in comfort during the unnatural, a rock in the instability of "unthinkableness." Not everyone in attendance will know the Father and seek Him for comfort. Some hearts are still breaking as if the loss was fresh. My heart breaks for those. I'm praying for all in attendance today, and have been this week, that their grief would hurt a little less and their sorrow turn into hope.

What labor means to me...

In honor of Labor Day, I’m sharing the hardest work I’ve ever done!

(Thank you for the idea, Kristen at We're THAT Family....)

 

How long were your labors?

Kid #1, 12 hours

Kid #2, 11 hours

Kid #3, 12 hours

How did you know you were in labor?

Kid #1, 10 days late, induced, met our (surprise) little girl at 8lbs 12oz

Kid #2, 4 weeks early, induced after not feeling him move, our son was born-still at 5lbs 2oz

Kid #3, 2 weeks early, induced for my peace of mind (after plenty of ultrasounds to check readiness), met our little boy at 8lbs 8oz (at that size, he was more than ready!)

Where did you deliver?

hospital (my daughter when we lived in another part of the state & my boys at the same hospital where we currently live)

Drugs?

pitocin for the baby... epidural for the momma!

C-section?

As much as I wanted one for my second, after we found out we had lost him, the doctor told me that I had to deliver naturally as it would be best and easiest on my body (although maybe not my emotions...). He was right, but it was hard.

Who delivered?

          3 different doctors, each perfect for their pregnancy 

How about you? What are your numbers?

[Did you adopt? (how long did you wait?) Not a mom yet (how long were your mom's numbers)?]

what mighta been

Toilet training. Bicycle riding (afterall, this is Mr. H's kid we're talking about). Playing catch. Learning colors. Singing Jesus Loves Me. Holding out three little fingers to show mommy, "I'm three!"

Three years have gone by. THREE years! My Nathan would be doing all of those things above and celebrating his third birthday today were he not born-still that horrible day back in '08.

So where am I now three years later?
A random daily glimpse would reveal me running around chasing my 18 month old. Helping my 7 year old with homework every afternoon.
A deeper look would show a mommy with a wounded, but still overflowing heart. A mom that has, only by the grace that God loving pours out on His children, continued to parent her daughter and had hope enough to try and conceive again. Born 18 mos. after our loss, attempted because of that intangible, almost hard-to-explain, hope in God, you'd see another baby son.

What is kind of "weird" though, and if you are a mommy of a "glory baby" this might resonate with you... I almost feel guilty missing my son. What I mean is that I feel bad missing the son who never took a breath on this earth because I know that had he lived, I most likely would not have been trying to have another baby a mere nine months later. In some twisted way, it's like if I grieve Nathan's loss, I am saying that I don't care about Zane or want him in my life. I know that's not true, but that's what I end up feeling.

I had some time alone Sunday afternoon, while we were out doing yard work. I was weeding around the base of our "Nathan tree." I couldn't help but try to picture a three year old. The three year old that I won't see at that age. I can think of my friend's three year old and the types of things she is doing and saying. I can picture my 18 mo. old and think of what one of my own little boys looks like, but I won't ever have a real picture of how Nathan would've developed. The eyes, hair color, and skin tones he would've had. I think that's what makes it so surreal. I just had another mom of loss ask me how I picture Nathan. If I still see him as I said goodbye in the hospital or if I try and picture him older. The only way I can actually still "see" him is as he was at his birth. And while that's not a pleasant memory, that was my son I carried for 36 weeks, so I'll hold onto those memories as long as the Lord allows my mind to function.

Life is certainly precious. I remind myself that on days like this. Days that I get more caught up in the "what was" and "what could have beens." I remind myself to live with purpose. With love. With an intentional awareness of what's going on around me. With eyes focused outward to others' needs (that might not be so easy to glean from the outside). To live.

The photos included are of Nathan's tree - a royal purple smoke tree (or "cotinus"), that actually bloomed quite nicely this year, several weeks ago.

rainbow babies

photo © 2008 sabianmaggy | more info (via: Wylio)
Emotions after bringing home a new baby from a pregnancy conceived after a prior loss (sometimes called a "rainbow baby") can be pretty messy. I mean all those normal hormonal things are going on, but then there's these other emotions that are a mix of relief, sorrow, excitement, and a million other things, all brought on because of a prior loss.

I found this description for what a rainbow baby is and thought I'd share, since she put it so beautifully poetic:

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Courtney

I have a friend that just had her rainbow baby. She is dealing with a mixture of feelings (in addition to a ridiculously painful case of mastitis) and spoke to me about some of them this week. What she said rang true of my experiences 18 months ago, although at the time I didn't give it any thought that it was due to my losing Nathan.

Now this may be the case with all second-born living children, but when you bring that little brother or sister home, you think you should just intrinsically know what to do because well, hey, so far so good with the first one, right? But, as days and nights go on and the crying doesn't cease and sleep doesn't come so easily with that little baby, you being to wonder what this alien is that you brought home. "Surely that's not what my first child did!" "I don't remember this," you think. Anyone identify? No? Ok, well for me and my friend Rachel, that is what we experienced. :) In my case, after being pregnant for 36 weeks with Nathan then 38.5 weeks (induced early) with Zane (9 mos between the two), I felt like I had been pregnant long enough to be more than ready to handle having a newborn at home. :)

What I think might be true to rainbow babies or babies that are born after a period of infertility, a mom will build up the coming child as "the one we waited so long for" or "the extra special baby." The problem begins when that little precious sinful child enters the world and does not live up to that expectation. Just because a baby is conceived after a loss, it doesn't mean that baby won't act like any other newborn. I didn't think about it in those terms until my friend shared that she realized she was doing that. I didn't think that I put that extra pressure on my Zane, but I do remember thinking, "Wait. It's not supposed to be like this. Why is he crying sooo much? Every night!?" So maybe I did... In my case, it took my best gal friend saying to me, "Don't you remember that Lynn did that?" She recalled several evenings when she and her hubby came over for dinner when we just had Lynn in her swing and she was crying. She remembers that after asking us what was wrong with her, we just threw up our hands in frustration and confusion. Long awaited for babies aren't perfect, just highly anticipated :)

Something I did remember feeling... unexpected sorrow. Thinking more about Nathan. Why should I be thinking of the son I lost? I had my new son, perfect, healthy, and breathing in my arms. My empty arms were now full! I knew in my head all along that my new baby wouldn't replace my lost baby, but when he finally arrived, it was like my heart finally caught up with my head. It said, "Wow, you're right. You have another son, but your first son is still gone. Oh. Gone. Yeah. That's right. He's still gone." Weird thing, those female emotions. Truth is, sometimes still I see these stages that Zane is in and wonder what Nathan would have looked like going through them. We'll be remembering his birth day in another week or so. Three. He'd be three. That just blows my mind. What would he be getting into?! Anyways, I digress. More on that on the 24th, I guess.

I write all this to reassure any new rainbow moms that you're not crazy. That baby you are holding, the one you have waited for? It's just as precious as the day the Lord placed him/her in your womb. Hang in there, mom, those first few months will pass and life will settle into routine.

suffering turned into shamelessness

I've moved into the book of James in my quiet time study material. I'm just in chapter 1 (day 4) and for today, the guide has me rereading versus 1-11 again. It then directs me to Romans, where trials are addressed as well. The question is, "What happens as a result of trials?"

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5:3-5)

The quick answer is that suffering produces endurance, which builds character, then giving us hope without shame.
The thought out, pondered over answer leads me to this... In times of trials we are usually totally humbled. Personal experience: our losing Nathan. I was/am humbled over the reminder that it's not my body that sustains life; it's only through the hand of God that life is created and completed. My body was fine. Nathan's body was fine. But somewhere along the way fluid production stopped that week. Who knows, fluid could've been low because Nathan had already been gone and I was without his production those two days before we discovered it. Or it could've been the lack of fluid production from him or me that stopped his ability to live. Regardless, as a woman, whose responsibility it is to house and sustain another human being, it's humbling when that doesn't happen as it is "supposed to." We realize we can't do it on our own. So, in that humbling time, God sustains us. We have to have patience, endurance, and reliance on Him. Enter the character-building. Personal experience: I am a different woman than I was on May 23, 2008. My character, my personality, my actions and thoughts about things are now different. I see life through a different lens (haha, how appropriate for a photographer ;). The byproduct of that character change? Hope. A breath of fresh air. The realization that there is hope of a future. God is carrying us, sustaining us. Personal experience: This God-given hope allowed us the trust in Him to step out and try conceiving another child. Zane is here because of that cultivated hope. Praise God for hope! The combination of the endurance, the character-building, and the produced hope leads to a life without shame. Whatever it is that is going to hit next (good or bad), will not lead me to hang my head. God's love has been poured into my heart by the Holy Spirit through the saving faith that allowed me this progression. Personal experience: I am here blogging about our loss. I have been able to extend God's love, give testimony to His graciousness, and walk the grief walk with others. There is no shame in humbling myself to feel grief and sadness again as God allows me to minister to others.
I sure don't like the suffering and trials, but I can't help but be in wonder when I stop to look at what He does with them!

sunbeams and swingsets

The way the sun is positioned at this time of month/season/etc. made me do a double take as I looked out the kitchen window this weekend morning. The sun was shining PERFECTLY through the trees, reflecting off the swing in the back. I guess because sun and sunbeams just make me think of heavenly things, the sun beam pointing right down on the swing brought Nathan to mind. Those little almost-three year old legs would be learning to pump this swing were he here. Made my heart just warm (and grieve a little) missing him.

So precious of God to give me that quiet moment of reflection and reminder.
I grabbed my camera to remember the moment.

in the little things

I recently spent time going back through the photos that were taken of Nathan on his birth/death day. They were not taken by a professional (something I so grievously regret that I didn't push for) and therefore are dark, unclear, and a bit awkward. The heart-intent of the young nurse that night was pure, I'm sure, however they are sadly all I am left with almost three years later. So, since I've been playing with Lightroom for awhile now, I thought I'd import them in and see what I could do to lighten them up. I didn't expect the emotion to come flooding back, but it did. Now having such a vibrant 1 year old boy in my home, I am reminded of what I don't have, who Nathan could have been. Seeing how different Lynn and Zane are, I wonder what Nathan's personality would be like. I picture the two of the boys on the floor playing cars together, "zooming" them all around. Would Nathan have made car noises and begun pointing out cars as early as Zane has? Would he be as snugly as Zane or as independent as his big sister has always been? Would he have the same shade of brown eyes as Lynn or darker like Zane? Or, might he have had (gasp) blue like me? :) My heart cries out to know. To know who he would have been.

It touches my heart when Nathan comes up in conversation or comes to mind during random times. Lynn had a homework assignment that dealt with the number of syllables in words. We then went through the names of our family to see who had the most syllables of all of us. She brought up Nathan as one of our family member's names. (My heart warmed). A few weeks ago, while playing with Zane, Lynn randomly said, "I wish that I had both baby brothers to play with." She wished that she had Nathan and Zane. (My heart warmed). As we walk around the house, Zane loves to point out the people he recognizes in photo frames. My heart skipped a beat when I came to a photo of Nathan's little baby feet and realized that Zane didn't so readily understand those were Nathan's toes. Will he ever recognize him? How could he? (My heart grieved). A friend of mine has gone through two miscarriages within just a few short months. (My heart grieves for her and reminds me of how it felt to lose my child).

I guess it's just a natural part of life after loss. In a way, just as with other trials in life, it's good to remember... good to be driven to the point of feeling that emotion raw again. Personally, it reminds me how far God has brought me. It reminds me of the blessings I have in my life. The time with others that I've been given that I have no excuse not to use the best way I can. And in the case of Nathan, it reminds me that I do have more children than I can see and touch right now, but that I will one day reunite with in the presence of our amazing Savior.

remembering

Today is one of three days that my Nathan is in the front of my thoughts... Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. (The other two are Mother's Day and of course, the anniversary of his birth/loss).
It's been almost 2 1/2 years since going through that day of loss, confusion, and pain. My husband was taken to the hospital on Wednesday (more on that later) and as we were driving home that evening, the experience of driving home after losing Nathan washed over me. It was if I was doing it all over again. Weird. I guess it was because we were driving that same route back home, in the car together alone, with that feeling of disconnect from the world because you've just spent time at the hospital (where time seems to stand still, but in reality the world goes on). I remembered the feelings of utter rock-bottom sorrow, disappointment, shock, and hurt. I had left the hospital, riding down in the mandatory wheelchair, with a box of "memorabilia" on my lap, being pushed next to a mommy with a brand new baby boy on her lap. I remember praying for that unsuspecting mommy because I knew if I thought about the baby that was supposed to be on my lap, I'd weep uncontrollably.
I remember my husband pulling up to the door, lovingly guiding me into the car, shutting the door, and pulling off. It was as if I were in a fog during the ride home. Something I remember clearly... the pure voice of Natalie Grant, singing Our Hope Endures. God's timing for that song was incredible. He spoke to me through those lyrics. I thanked God that I knew His hope - that despite my despair, His love would carry me through. Somehow. Sometime.
And He did. I think back to that day, still with sadness over a life lost, but with love in my heart, a thankfulness for the 36 weeks I had with Nathan, an empathy for those experiencing infant loss, and a strength from a tragedy walked through with Guidance.
If you are here going through a similar walk, I welcome you to leave a comment here honoring your precious little one.

two years...

My precious Nathan has now been in "heaven's nursery" for 2 years today...
Thinking of him today as I share this poem I found with you.

HEAVEN'S NURSERY

In Heaven there must surely be
A special place, a nursery
Where 'little spirits' not fully grown
Go to live in their Heavenly home.

The angels must attend with love
Tiny spirits on wings of doves,
The choir of angels must sing lullabies
Maybe quieten their tiny cries.

The Father must come by each day
To cuddle and play in a special way
These tiny spirits left earth too soon
Little ones called Home from the womb.

These sparks of life did not perish
But came to the Father's love to cherish,
To grow and be taught in His own arms
Safely away from all earthly harm.

The comforter was sent to earth at once
To the parents who lost their little one
Their hearts so ache, their arms feel empty
The question 'why' seems so tempting.

Then all at once in the midst of tears
There comes a peace that stills the fears
The parents share the Father's own need
To hold their tiny spirit being.

They relinquish their own desperate hold
And release their baby to the Father's fold,
Then comes an angel to whisper the truth
Of a nursery in Heaven bearing rich fruit

Of tiny spirits chosen to worship the Father
A place that couldn't be filled by another,
Called to be spared from the struggles of earth,
Chosen to be one of Heaven's births.

So Father, whisper words of love from me
To our unborn 'life' in your nursery.

(From Above Rubies website)

sovereignty

Meditating on a few thoughts this morning. My husband and I are reading the book Trusting God, Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. The idea of "God's will" has been one we've personally wrestled with. I think it's a pretty universal question, as Christians seem to be preoccupied with what God wants for us. However, in my opinion, and what God's been showing me, is that the better thought is of His sovereignty. When we take the focus off of "me" (God's will for me) and put it on Him (who He is), our attention is better placed.

Anyway, a quote from the first chapter of Bridges' book: "God in His love always wills what is best for us. In His wisdom He always knows what is best, and in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about" (p17, emphasis mine).

These ideas are swirling in my head as I wrestle with emotions from over the weekend. Another Mother's Day without Nathan. The 2 year mark of Nathan's death approaching. Irrational thoughts of losing Zane. My intense need to check on Zane during his naptimes for breathing. Job loss. Questions of the future. My husband pursuing reception of an endorsement from the So. Baptist Association in order to apply to Army Chaplaincy. The possible move from civilian life to Army life. So much, too much!

Help me remember, Lord, that because of your love, your wisdom, and your sovereignty, my life is best placed in your hands. I trust you with the future of my son, specifically, as well as the future of our family. Help me take the focus off of me and put it on you, and your magnificence.

Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.
1 Chronicles 29:11

my boys

My son in heaven
`opened his eyes for the first time and saw only the glory of heaven
`had the most perfect little body, void only of breath to give him life
`will never feel the touch of his hand in mine
`will forever be missed

My son on earth
`is an undeserved gift
`has been a soothing balm on a hurting heart
`loves to snuggle and be held
`has brought out a nurturing side in my daughter
`has caused times of excitement, enjoyment, and exhaustion

Both of my boys...
`were created and fashioned by God specifically for our family
`have impacted my life with their short time in my life
`favor each other in looks
`have made me the mother of a boy
`have caused me to reflect on life in a new way
`have taught me to rely upon the Lord, completely

son... #2

Christmas. With my two kids. But not my third. In the silence of this Sunday afternoon after Christmas my thoughts swirl around trying to figure out the best way compose this blog post.

I've had many confusing, conflicting thoughts since giving birth to my newest son. For many of his first few days, I wanted to call Zane Nathan. I've spoken of Nathan for eighteen months now (& pregnant with him for nine months prior to that, discussing the name we would use for our new child). It was as if the son I just gave birth to should have been him. I didn't have a son in my home for which that name was being used, but yet I used that name to speak of a son. My brain had to catch on to things which my heart had already been processing. I don't think it helped things that my new son looks like my first son. When his eyes were closed in sleep, I could look down and picture the face I saw in my short time with Nathan. I never saw Nathan full of life, but I picture that he would have been much like the little one I now hold in my arms. While I was pregnant, I questioned why God was giving us another son after losing our first. I've told him that it would be hard to follow-up the loss of a son with another son... that having a boy next would make me think of all that we missed out on with Nathan... that having a boy would make me unconsciously "replace" Nathan with this new one. I'd be lying if I didn't confess that these things have happened. It does make it harder to think of Nathan while seeing a perfectly healthy, alive newborn boy in my home. But, I have been tempted to "forget" my first son's existence because I now have one in my arms. Honestly, it'd be easier to forget. It'd be easier to not think about the shocking prognosis and stillborn birth that happened one ordinary Memorial Day weekend, while preparing for a church staff picnic.

So I don't know what all that means. I guess it just means that I'm still walking down this journey called grief. But, God has give us little Zane, who has added a new dimension to my life. He fills my days with exhausting joy. :)

a baby secret, a poem

I'm working on a post regarding my thoughts these days, about both of my boys... but I read this from Charity at Considering it All Joy and found it comforting... so I'm passing it on to you, especially if you have a sweet little baby who won't be celebrating Christmas on earth this year.

A Baby Secret

I'm just a little feller

Who didn't quite make it there;

I went straight to be with Jesus

But I'm waiting for you here.

Don't you fret about me Mommy,

I'm of all God's lambs most blest;

I'd have loved to stay there with you,

But the Shepherd knows what's best.

Many dwelling here where I live,

Waiting years to enter in

Struggled through a world of sorrow

And their lives were marred with sin.

So, sweet Mommy, don't you sorrow,

Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.

I went straight to Jesus' bosom

From my lovely Mother's womb.

Thank you for the life you gave me,

It was brief but don't complain.

I have all of Heaven's glory,

Suffered none of earthling's pain.

--J. C. Bramfield

time ticks forward

Quiet, reflective, contemplative...
I've been all of these and more these days as I have been physically feeling the need to slow down. Nearing the end of a God-guided pregnancy and boy does it feel tremendous. Tremendous, as in, God is tremendous... this baby feels tremendously huge... and some days the pregnancy has felt tremendously long. :) I think back to April and that long, drawn out saga of finding out we were pregnant. Time moving forward... commemorating the one year mark of Nathan's loss in May... then going through a busy summer full of travel and youth trips. Now here we are at the brink of November, the month I am due. In a few days, I'll hit the 36 week mark, the week we lost Nathan. I can't even imagine going this far again and losing this one. To think I went this long in pregnancy and lost Nathan, in the whisper of a moment, with no knowledge of the exact moment his life left me. What's "scary" is that I have done so much more preparing this time around for this little one. Finding out that baby is a boy has been a huge difference in this pregnancy alone. We didn't find out with either of the others, so I don't think that the temptation was there to complete the nursery early on. But, aside from setting up the bassinet (which is at my sister's house), the room is ready for little man. I was given several boxes of boy clothes, which are now washed and folded in his drawer, ready for him. Stroller, car seat, clothes, diapers (well, I don't have those yet either), his family - all ready for him to make his live appearance. What a difference that one little word makes. Live. As in alive. Breathing, moving, crying, eating, opening his eyes. I didn't even get to see Nathan's eyes. I'm sure they were the customary infant blue, but what a difference it will be to get to look into this one's eyes. Oh, my heart tremors in anticipation... in hope... in trust.
So, as these last couple of weeks tick by, I'll remind myself to treasure the movements of life within me and praise God for holding my hand through this journey, trusting him through to the end.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I'll be lighting a candle tonight... in memory of my sweet babies in heaven.
This post is dedicated, in loving memory, to my child lost in 2006 at only 11wks as well as my son Nathan, delivered stillborn at 36wks in 2008. If you are not familiar with Nathan, I invite you to glimpse more of what happened by reading my posts labeled Nathan. I was not blogging during my earlier loss.
If you are a part of this devastating "club" of mothers' of loss, you are in my prayers today. Please feel free to share your stories, or your child's name and age/date of loss, within the comment section as a tribute to your little one in heaven.

where I am right now

Gearing up to face an onslaught of emotions this afternoon as we attend baby Isaac's funeral... ever since making it to "viability age," I've been struggling with thoughts of Nathan, of this little one, and of our future. I tell you what, though, it's led me to seek the Lord a bunch! I know that worrying takes my focus off of God's sovereignty and the only combat to that is to seek His face. I've also been trying to memorize scripture to recall during the moments of worry-temptation. (My first is Isaiah 26:3-4.) The same day of the loss, we had another set of friends give birth to a healthy baby girl. It's amazing how many healthy births there are as compared to losses, but when you've been through a loss, the numbers of loss seem to magnify. Every hit is personal because you can identify.

I had an ultrasound and a doctor appointment this week. Little man looks good. He's still measuring a week ahead (consistent with where he was at our 20 wk. u/s) and the fluid levels look terrific. The latest doctor I've been seeing is wonderful. We just sat and talked (sorry to the ladies waiting in the waiting room!). She wanted to hear about how the gestational diabetes management was going, how I was doing emotionally, and any other concerns that I had. We talked about my concern over my (lack of) weight gain (I've only gained ten lbs in these thirty wks... this is not typical to my Lynn's pregnancy, but is about where I was in Nathan's) and game-planned what was next. I get another u/s in two weeks just to measure fluid levels, since that is a major point of worry for me (the only "guess" we have for Nathan's loss) and then another complete u/s two weeks later, when I'm at 34 weeks. I start my non-stress tests in two weeks, at 32 wks. I'll go in twice per week to be monitored for 30 mins. A lot of appointments to come, but that is fine by me! It means I'm getting closer and that it'll make sure we keep a close eye on this guy.

10 weeks and 2 days, counting down...

25 wks.

As I sit here, I notice I'm having a braxton hicks contraction. Wasn't sure I was going to start those this early, but I guess, as they say about subsequent pregnancies - you start things earlier with each one. I'd have to look up to see when I started having them with Nathan. Funny thing is I had been having these with Lynn for several weeks but didn't know they were contractions until I was hooked up to a monitor one day (about three weeks before her due date) because I had been spotting (which turned out just being due to having an internal exam earlier that day at the dr.) Anyways, it opened my eyes to what a contraction was. Honestly, because I was induced with both my kiddos, I haven't yet felt what it's like to have contractions get progressively worse and have to go through the traditional "labor" processes of timing them, calling the doctor, deciding when to drive to the hospital, etc. With Nathan, I actually had some rough ones for a period of about 30 minutes one afternoon after work. But, with drinking some water and laying down, they eventually went away. So, for these bhc's I'm just being a good girl with my feet up and slurping down some water.
I feel so run down lately. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Dreams and discomfort keep me from getting what I feel is "restful, quality" sleep. I wake up aching in my hips and my mind still reeling from the ridiculous dreams. There's no pattern to the dreams - some of them have to do with current events in my life, but others are random. Some are disturbing, others are normal events. I feel like I've been pregnant forever. We found out we were preggo with Nathan in Oct. '07, so between his pregnancy, the nine months in between his loss and the beginning of this one, plus these 5/6 months of this one, it's amounting to FOREVER. :) My arms almost ache with a desire to hold my baby. I just keep giving this up to the Lord and pray for His arms around me. He's so faithful and so constant - I can almost feel His hand holding me up sometimes through those periods when my emotions and thoughts run away like that. We have had youth leader and youth events all weekend where we've had three babies in attendance... the three that were born around Nathan's time. So watching them walk, crawl, chatter, splash in the pool have also stirred up thoughts of Nathan more recently. Thoughts of Nathan lead to thoughts of this little man and well, that's where I go and crave holding this little one, alive in my arms. Fifteen weeks to go until his due date. One week at a time, riding on the goodness of my God!

thinking

Watched my friend's one year old daughter yesterday which took me back to thinking about my son. I can't believe that I'd have a one year old if Nathan had lived. I can't believe that he'd be pulling up or toddling around, babbling, feeding himself goldfish, and getting into his sister's stuff (everything Molly did here yesterday).
I'm not sure why, but there was a certain "release" that came with the passing of his first birth day. It was as if I held my breath that whole first year, knowing that it wasn't that long ago that I had given birth to my child stillborn... knowing that soon the one year anniversary of his day would come. How would I feel? How would I act? Well, with the passing of that week, it was almost a big sigh of relief or something. I don't quite understand it, but since the calendar flipped to June, the weight of his loss and absence hasn't been quite so heavy. I have no doubt that the coming of my next little one has contributed to the filled hole in my heart. What a blessing it is to be feeling the soft kicks of this child inside me, check-marking the weeks away as we approach the fall.
I think it's also harder to think of Nathan because I only knew him as this tiny newborn and now he'd be so much bigger. It's kinda puzzling to know how to think of him. So, by the grace of God, I sit here today and thank God that He has filled me with new life, knowing that my life was impacted by Nathan, as well as this new one inside me.

Sunday

What a weekend. What a great God we have. Remembering all the "lasts" and spending many reflective, sad moments last week... led us to Nathan's actual birthday, Sunday, when we were able to truly relax and love on each other as a family.
Sunday ended up really just being a "celebration" of his short life inside me and praise for God's greatness this past year for our family. My husband, unbelievably, surprisingly, sweetly, had a present waiting on the table for me in the morning. A present of the jewelry variety :)
As I sleepily walked out in my robe to find something to quench my immediate morning hunger, I found a small, wrapped present in my spot at the table. He bought me an anniversary band, despite it not being our anniversary (I love surprise presents ~ can we see my love language is 'gifts' ~ and the fact that it wasn't "cliche" was even sweeter and more delightful). The band was given as a celebration of what God has done in our 8 1/2 years of marriage - drawing us closer together through our tragedies, most significant being our son's loss last year. He said lots of other mushy things as well :)
Being Sunday, we went to church. And, being Graduation Recognition Sunday, we weren't able to spend it together in worship. However, we set up for the high school graduates lunch (& then attended it). It was a late afternoon, which was tiring, but by 3p we were home and in sweats :) We watched a movie together as a family, had a low-key late dinner, and just relaxed. It was rainy outside, so we weren't able to do anything outdoors together, but everything worked out well. We talked to family, looked over cards that friends had given us and spent some time dreaming about our future baby and how Nathan still fits into our family. Lynn told me that she's excited that she'll be a big sister for the "second time" and that I'll be a mommy of three. Nathan is still very much present in mind for her and that warms my heart so much.
I'll close this post with a picture from Nathan's tree that we planted last fall. The leaves have taken on a pinkish tint around the edges. Beautiful!