where I am right now

Gearing up to face an onslaught of emotions this afternoon as we attend baby Isaac's funeral... ever since making it to "viability age," I've been struggling with thoughts of Nathan, of this little one, and of our future. I tell you what, though, it's led me to seek the Lord a bunch! I know that worrying takes my focus off of God's sovereignty and the only combat to that is to seek His face. I've also been trying to memorize scripture to recall during the moments of worry-temptation. (My first is Isaiah 26:3-4.) The same day of the loss, we had another set of friends give birth to a healthy baby girl. It's amazing how many healthy births there are as compared to losses, but when you've been through a loss, the numbers of loss seem to magnify. Every hit is personal because you can identify.

I had an ultrasound and a doctor appointment this week. Little man looks good. He's still measuring a week ahead (consistent with where he was at our 20 wk. u/s) and the fluid levels look terrific. The latest doctor I've been seeing is wonderful. We just sat and talked (sorry to the ladies waiting in the waiting room!). She wanted to hear about how the gestational diabetes management was going, how I was doing emotionally, and any other concerns that I had. We talked about my concern over my (lack of) weight gain (I've only gained ten lbs in these thirty wks... this is not typical to my Lynn's pregnancy, but is about where I was in Nathan's) and game-planned what was next. I get another u/s in two weeks just to measure fluid levels, since that is a major point of worry for me (the only "guess" we have for Nathan's loss) and then another complete u/s two weeks later, when I'm at 34 weeks. I start my non-stress tests in two weeks, at 32 wks. I'll go in twice per week to be monitored for 30 mins. A lot of appointments to come, but that is fine by me! It means I'm getting closer and that it'll make sure we keep a close eye on this guy.

10 weeks and 2 days, counting down...