Pregnancy after a loss is tough. When's the right time to try again? Will your heart ever heal from your loss?
Hope in God is an incredible thing.
I was recently asked, "How have your beliefs about God and the world changed or deepened through your experience? Have you dealt with anger toward God?"
Although I didn't get angry with God, I did wonder how He could possibly make something good come out of something that was hurting me so badly. I did not lose my faith or stop trusting in Him. I did not even question "why," but I did "dare" God to make something good out of our tragedy. I see life itself differently now. It is truly a God-given gift. We are not promised a tomorrow and now that I have experienced that truth first hand, I value each day I have with my family. This does not mean that I suddenly became a super-mom or that I do not get upset with my children, husband, or myself. Nevertheless, it does mean that God has allowed me to see the bigger picture through our tragedy. I stop to breathe in the baby-smell of my son when he stops to snuggle me. As I brush my daughter's hair, I notice how smooth it feels or how it turns a lighter shade in the summer sun. I admire the love in my husband's eyes as he gathers our children in his arms for a big hug. And I tell God "thank you" much more frequently.
Zane's pregnancy was like walking close to the edge of a beautiful canyon. Heart-pounding at times. Easy at times. Exciting at times. Awe-inspiring at times. Certainly not impossible, but easier with a support to hold onto. Easier with the knowledge that it would be ok, even if "ok" wasn't a living, breathing infant in my arms. Easier taking the responsibility of growing a healthy little human off of my shoulders and putting it on God's.
It is a part of the grief journey, though. Pregnancy of a subsequent baby after a loss will bring up a ton of memories, even if it's years later. You might think, "I thought I was ready; why am I struggling with this again?" In my opinion, part of the journey in your next pregnancy will be to release any expectations of the new baby replacing the first. Or the expectation that you will suddenly be ok because you are "moving on" to your next. You will still have bittersweet times of remembering, of wishing, of desiring that first little one to still be alive. And that's ok. It is possible to be sad for the past and excited for the future at the same time. So remember your lost child, but remember that your new little one is a separate unique individual - one that you can begin to love for who he/she is becoming.
Your next pregnancy (every pregnancy really) is a walk of faith but also a declaration of how magnificent God is. Remember that the God that placed a child inside of you is the same God that is, was, and always will be. His sovereignty is not adjusted based upon our circumstances. That is something to put your faith in!
