rainbow babies

photo © 2008 sabianmaggy | more info (via: Wylio)
Emotions after bringing home a new baby from a pregnancy conceived after a prior loss (sometimes called a "rainbow baby") can be pretty messy. I mean all those normal hormonal things are going on, but then there's these other emotions that are a mix of relief, sorrow, excitement, and a million other things, all brought on because of a prior loss.

I found this description for what a rainbow baby is and thought I'd share, since she put it so beautifully poetic:

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope. Courtney

I have a friend that just had her rainbow baby. She is dealing with a mixture of feelings (in addition to a ridiculously painful case of mastitis) and spoke to me about some of them this week. What she said rang true of my experiences 18 months ago, although at the time I didn't give it any thought that it was due to my losing Nathan.

Now this may be the case with all second-born living children, but when you bring that little brother or sister home, you think you should just intrinsically know what to do because well, hey, so far so good with the first one, right? But, as days and nights go on and the crying doesn't cease and sleep doesn't come so easily with that little baby, you being to wonder what this alien is that you brought home. "Surely that's not what my first child did!" "I don't remember this," you think. Anyone identify? No? Ok, well for me and my friend Rachel, that is what we experienced. :) In my case, after being pregnant for 36 weeks with Nathan then 38.5 weeks (induced early) with Zane (9 mos between the two), I felt like I had been pregnant long enough to be more than ready to handle having a newborn at home. :)

What I think might be true to rainbow babies or babies that are born after a period of infertility, a mom will build up the coming child as "the one we waited so long for" or "the extra special baby." The problem begins when that little precious sinful child enters the world and does not live up to that expectation. Just because a baby is conceived after a loss, it doesn't mean that baby won't act like any other newborn. I didn't think about it in those terms until my friend shared that she realized she was doing that. I didn't think that I put that extra pressure on my Zane, but I do remember thinking, "Wait. It's not supposed to be like this. Why is he crying sooo much? Every night!?" So maybe I did... In my case, it took my best gal friend saying to me, "Don't you remember that Lynn did that?" She recalled several evenings when she and her hubby came over for dinner when we just had Lynn in her swing and she was crying. She remembers that after asking us what was wrong with her, we just threw up our hands in frustration and confusion. Long awaited for babies aren't perfect, just highly anticipated :)

Something I did remember feeling... unexpected sorrow. Thinking more about Nathan. Why should I be thinking of the son I lost? I had my new son, perfect, healthy, and breathing in my arms. My empty arms were now full! I knew in my head all along that my new baby wouldn't replace my lost baby, but when he finally arrived, it was like my heart finally caught up with my head. It said, "Wow, you're right. You have another son, but your first son is still gone. Oh. Gone. Yeah. That's right. He's still gone." Weird thing, those female emotions. Truth is, sometimes still I see these stages that Zane is in and wonder what Nathan would have looked like going through them. We'll be remembering his birth day in another week or so. Three. He'd be three. That just blows my mind. What would he be getting into?! Anyways, I digress. More on that on the 24th, I guess.

I write all this to reassure any new rainbow moms that you're not crazy. That baby you are holding, the one you have waited for? It's just as precious as the day the Lord placed him/her in your womb. Hang in there, mom, those first few months will pass and life will settle into routine.

Introducing...

my one-week old! :)

I had "Zane" last Thursday, the 12th... we scheduled the induction. At that point I was 38.5 wks along, but he was measuring well via the ultrasounds we had.
The day was a long one! We checked in the hospital at 8:15a, answered all five hundred questions, and eventually started pitocin at 9:45a. I sloooowly progressed from a 1.5 at the start to only 2 cms by 3p when they broke my water (& gave me my epidural)!
UGH - I was sooo disappointed to hear I wasn't further along. Enter the major discouragement zone. At that point, the tv was no longer entertaining and the texts & tweets from our friends asking for an update no longer sweet. I couldn't fall asleep, despite the epidural that was finally beginning to work it's magic, so I just waited. I felt so anxious, so ready, so excited. I wanted so badly to be holding my baby in my arms at that point.
From then, I moved to an "almost-5" (nurse being nice? "almost-5 cms" sounding better than "4cms"!) at 5:30p. I said to the nurse, after she reminded me that the last five could move as slow as 1 cm per hour (!), "What happened to third babies coming faster?!" Well, God must have given him a nudge to move along because two hours later I was a 10! He still wasn't dropped very far, so I sat up in bed (to let gravity help) until I started pushing at 8:15p. At 9pm, he was out! SHEW! His little head was slightly cocked which made it a bit harder to bring him through the birth canal. He was 8 lbs 7.8 ozs and 22 inches long! :) So much for being an "early," small baby, lol. At 11 days early, he weighed almost as much as his sister who was 8lbs 12ozs at 10 days late. :) Maybe my gestational diabetes had something to do with it, or his daddy, who was a big baby as well.

I can't even begin to describe the feelings when I saw him and when I heard that little cry. Emotionally overwhelming. A miracle before my eyes. My daughter is also a miracle, as I believe all life is, however something about replacing the sorrowful memories of my still-born Nathan with a wiggling, crying newborn made the miracle a bit more miraculous, if that makes sense. It had been hard to enter the labor/delivery room and know the last time there was under sad circumstances. The hardest thing for me was to see the baby warmer. I could picture my sweet Nathan still there, no amount of warmth able to bring him back to life.
They laid Zane on my chest and I sobbed. A few minutes later I was on the phone with my daughter, telling her that mommy was ok and that her baby brother had finally been born. What a tender moment.
We are doing well, settling into life with a newborn. He's nursing wonderfully. He had his first check up and weighed in at one ounce more than when he left the hospital, so the pediatrician is pleased w/ his eating. He's sleeping well, waking every 3hrs. for nursing.
Big sister is in love - wants to do everything with him - which is kind of overwhelming, but I know things will settle down.
I appreciate all of your prayers, your continued reading of my blog, and your support. God is so good. He carries us through the times of our weakness and is so gracious to give us times of joy.

last days

Yikes. Two days away, well, seeing that it's almost 10pm, less than two days! I am being induced on Thursday morning! I will get to hold this little man in my arms in just two short days. We set the date last week and since then it's been a mix of emotions. Monday I dealt a lot with fear... now that the end was in sight, would he live to make it into my arms or would I lose him? Monday I literally cried... and cried out to God. He carried me through the day. I was tempted to run from my house, to run away from seeing anything baby. It was like this unconscious attempt to protect myself. Today was more nerves about labor/delivery... getting everything done and ready and being nervous about how the day would pan out on Thursday. Despite an upset tummy, I went out and returned a few "extras/duplicates" from my shower this past weekend as well as my bi-weekly grocery shopping. I have been swelling a ton lately and the morning out today didn't help me this evening. In addition to major swelling pressure in my legs, I have been having some painful contractions. They went on for about a half an hour before dinner, subsiding when I drank a glass of water and proceeded to fall asleep during a movie that I was "watching" with my family. They're back now again. They're not lasting long, but are more shooting pain from my front around to my back. They pain is hitting every couple of minutes, but hits then subsides. I think I'll sign off and do the water and lay down thing again. I could fall asleep for the night, so maybe I'll just call it bedtime. I'm not familiar with hanging around for contractions as I've only been induced with my labors.... leaves me feeling a bit more nervous as I have one more day to get through until our "labor day." Thank you for your prayers, and I'll be in touch...

latest and greatest...

Big stuff for little man tomorrow. I am getting a final (!) ultrasound, for a "peace of mind" fluid check as well as checking out little man's status. Then a doctor's appointment, including an internal check, where *hopefully* we'll find that I have made some sort of progression. The plan is so far (pending no changes based upon what we see/don't see tomorrow) to induce next Thursday! Seriously! I am sooo excited (understatement)! These past couple of weeks have been the hardest in some ways. I think in the beginning of the pregnancy, it was hard because the risk of losing him was the greatest. So once we got past the first trimester, it was a small sigh of relief. Moving to the second trimester, it got harder when I knew that he was technically "viable" at 25 weeks... what if I lost him, when he might've been able to survive outside of me? Now in the third trimester, especially in this ninth month, I want to feel him all the time... I want to be able to detect anything that seems odd... at times I almost lose my breath when I let fear fill me with the unthinkable idea of losing this one in this last month like last time. When I made it to 36 weeks/last week it physically sickened me thinking about making it this far last time to suddenly lose my child. The pregnancy has felt so long during the past nine months and these last couple of weeks pregnancy symptoms have kicked up, making me long for his arrival physically and emotionally. I've been sleeping on the couch for so many weeks now I've lost count. My back aches all the time. The top of my belly is sore. Heartburn has returned. Smells affect me once again. I've just started swelling some (although I must say, this is the first pregnancy that my wedding/engagement band still fits at this point) :) I just feel physically worn out. But, this is nothing new to the world of pregnant women nor to myself. I have been through all these and more and so I truck on :) But... it makes me all the more excited to think about him being in my arms in just one short week and a day!

labor... delivery... soon? oh my!

Ok, I just reread my post on fear, I promise. However, I was just talking to my hubby and realized that I am really just around the corner from giving birth to this kiddo and that scares me out of my mind! Like, the birthing process... I know I've been through it twice and when I think about that, I calm down a bit, but seriously, labor... delivery... recovery...ugh. I still remember my words to the doctor after pushing for two hours to deliver my 8lb 12oz Lynn, "Why in the world would someone do this a second time?!" :) Too funny. I also remember the doctor checking in on my the next day asking if I was so enamored with my newborn that I was ready to retract my previous question. I told him I hadn't forgotten the pain quite yet! And here I sit six years later... I have birthed another in between, but he was a little five pounder and quite a bit easier to deliver (as in pushed for ten minutes and boom, there he was)! I am anxious about how it will all go down and my stomach turns over when I think about that day approaching. I know that my anticipation also includes apprehension regarding getting this one out safely so it amps the nerves up a notch. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday in which I'd like to talk to her about narrowing down an induction date. I'd like to see this little guy on an ultrasound sometime soon as well. It's been two weeks and I'd like some visual assurance that levels are where they should be and what he's up to (or hopefully where he's down to). My NST on Monday showed contractions, which I've felt for some time now, but they haven't yet shown on the monitoring. Good stuff. So, induction date... we'll see. Hopefully the 12th of Nov. My doctor's on call that day and I'd be at the end of my 38th week. Sounds good to me! From my 20 week u/s baby's been measuring consistently a week ahead (I've had 3 u/s since the 20 week one) so if he can be ready early, I'm ready early!
Anyways... that's what made my sudden "scare," realizing that the 12th is only two weeks (& one day) away! Yikes!! :)

If...

"If ______, then ______."

We inevitably have answers that fit in those blanks. Something happens and we have a reaction. It can be a positive situation or a negative one. Likewise, it can be a positive reaction or a negative one. In my current week of Beth Moore's Esther study, she challenges us to fill those blanks like this: "If this, then God." It really doesn't matter what the "this" is... will our reaction include God? Will our reaction by Godly? Will our reaction acknowledge His presence in our lives despite how hard the "this" of the moment is?
She had us fill in blanks with things that we fear most and how we should respond using scriptural promises. My first blank was: "If I lose this baby as well, then God will continue to guide us through with His peace and love. He promises to never leave us nor forsake us."
Fear. It's shown up in random little ways throughout this pregnancy. I wouldn't say I'm struggling with it, but when it hits, it is all-consuming. You can't crack the door open for fear to come in because it will push the door open wide and fill the room! In Moore's study she said that the command "Do not be afraid" is the most frequent command in the Bible. I found that extremely interesting. God knows that fear is where we are most likely to let Satan have a foothold... fear, worry, preoccupation with the worst that might happen... I believe those are all the same. When it consumes our waking moments, then we are not filling in our "If, then's" with God as the result.
Think about it... what "If ___, then ___" have you faced this week? What have your reactions been?

time ticks forward

Quiet, reflective, contemplative...
I've been all of these and more these days as I have been physically feeling the need to slow down. Nearing the end of a God-guided pregnancy and boy does it feel tremendous. Tremendous, as in, God is tremendous... this baby feels tremendously huge... and some days the pregnancy has felt tremendously long. :) I think back to April and that long, drawn out saga of finding out we were pregnant. Time moving forward... commemorating the one year mark of Nathan's loss in May... then going through a busy summer full of travel and youth trips. Now here we are at the brink of November, the month I am due. In a few days, I'll hit the 36 week mark, the week we lost Nathan. I can't even imagine going this far again and losing this one. To think I went this long in pregnancy and lost Nathan, in the whisper of a moment, with no knowledge of the exact moment his life left me. What's "scary" is that I have done so much more preparing this time around for this little one. Finding out that baby is a boy has been a huge difference in this pregnancy alone. We didn't find out with either of the others, so I don't think that the temptation was there to complete the nursery early on. But, aside from setting up the bassinet (which is at my sister's house), the room is ready for little man. I was given several boxes of boy clothes, which are now washed and folded in his drawer, ready for him. Stroller, car seat, clothes, diapers (well, I don't have those yet either), his family - all ready for him to make his live appearance. What a difference that one little word makes. Live. As in alive. Breathing, moving, crying, eating, opening his eyes. I didn't even get to see Nathan's eyes. I'm sure they were the customary infant blue, but what a difference it will be to get to look into this one's eyes. Oh, my heart tremors in anticipation... in hope... in trust.
So, as these last couple of weeks tick by, I'll remind myself to treasure the movements of life within me and praise God for holding my hand through this journey, trusting him through to the end.

Tackle It Tuesday - curtain

To do: Find a curtain for the baby's room.
Progress: Failed! After checking around at a few stores, I couldn't find anything that I liked.
New task: Make my own curtain!

The inspiration piece (the baby bedding/quilt):

I found a GREAT Columbus Day sale at Joanne's and was able to find the colors I needed on the clearance table. Clearance fabrics were an additional 50% off. Woohoo! Since I love ribbon, I knew I wanted to incorporate ribbon somewhere, but not too much since it is a boy's room. :)
(The most expensive part of this curtain was the blue thread! Crazy.)

The supplies:

After getting my kiddo to bed on Saturday night, I pulled out the machine and got to work!

The final product:

I'm really excited and happy with how it turned out. By the end of the month, our goal is to have the room cleaned out (boxes put in the attic) and we can move on to the finishing touches (i.e. crib set up, quilt hung on the wall, etc). Then, mid-November, with the Lord's grace, we'll be bringing home baby boy!

NST

Dear son within me,
Mr. "I bump around so hard I literally make my mom's whole body move." At night, you make my stomach more entertaining than the tv. We can see arms and legs rolls across my skin. It's so amazing. I wonder if I'll feel the same way that I did after pushing Lynn out: "That baby actually came out of me?!" :) Nah, I'm gonna be like, "Give that baby to me already!"
We had our first non-stress test this week. You moved around quite well and your heart rate raised accordingly each time. Good boy! It was really interesting to see. Your heart rate fluctuated between the 130's and 140's. They gave me some diet soda to drink but you didn't need the caffeine to get you moving. I had to push a little button each time you moved to make a mark on the print out, then they could see if the fluctuations matched up with your movements. I was pushing that button a bunch! After only 15 minutes of monitoring, they had enough "proof" that you were doing well. (Praise God!) She even left us hooked up for an extra couple of minutes to have an extra tear off sheet to let me take home for your baby book. :) We will go back in on Friday to do this again. Hooray! I like all this extra stuff that allows me to get to know you a little better. It really is amazing, though, how they don't do nearly anything for a "typical" pregnancy. While I was pregnant with both Lynn and Nathan, I didn't get any of this spoiling treatment. It saddens me to know that we had to lose your brother just to be put in this "special" category. If there is another one after you, little man (and your sister insists that there must be a sister next), I will expect all this special treatment again, even though they might not find reason to give it to me.
As you move around even now (you must know it's just about dinner time & are getting excited), I praise God for how He has given you to us and how He is growing you each day!
I love you, little man.
Your Momma

4-D, wow!

Say "hi" to my little boy! We had an ultrasound this morning and were in for a delightful surprise when the u/s tech switched over to 4-D! What an amazing glimpse we got of our little man!

(The curly stuff below his chin is actually the umbilical cord - b/c his knees were drawn up, it pulled the cord up into his chin area. In that same area, you can see two elbows pointing out at you and two little fingers up on the side of his head.)

He's (still) measuring a week ahead of schedule and they estimate his weight to be 4lbs 9ozs. He's gained 1 lb. since the last u/s two weeks ago! (At that rate, we'll be holding a 9-pounder by due date!) We're so blessed to see that everything is right on and he's doing great. Fluid looks wonderful and I'll go in on Monday to start the non-stress testing twice per week.

g diapers

I was approached about having a baby shower. People have been so incredible to us. I think they are just as excited as we are for us to have this little babe. :) So, I registered last week at Babies R Us. I decided I'd like to try the g-diapers. B R Us sells them along with the disposable inserts. Although you can't find coupons for them like you can with regular disposables, regularly they are about a dollar or two less for a pack of inserts vs. regular diapers, and actually break down in landfills (as opposed to regular diapers). I have a friend that is using them (although she is using them with cloth inserts/another option that I might consider down the road) and loves them. I was able to "touch and feel" one in B R Us and like them.
Any opinions from any g-users out there?

where I am right now

Gearing up to face an onslaught of emotions this afternoon as we attend baby Isaac's funeral... ever since making it to "viability age," I've been struggling with thoughts of Nathan, of this little one, and of our future. I tell you what, though, it's led me to seek the Lord a bunch! I know that worrying takes my focus off of God's sovereignty and the only combat to that is to seek His face. I've also been trying to memorize scripture to recall during the moments of worry-temptation. (My first is Isaiah 26:3-4.) The same day of the loss, we had another set of friends give birth to a healthy baby girl. It's amazing how many healthy births there are as compared to losses, but when you've been through a loss, the numbers of loss seem to magnify. Every hit is personal because you can identify.

I had an ultrasound and a doctor appointment this week. Little man looks good. He's still measuring a week ahead (consistent with where he was at our 20 wk. u/s) and the fluid levels look terrific. The latest doctor I've been seeing is wonderful. We just sat and talked (sorry to the ladies waiting in the waiting room!). She wanted to hear about how the gestational diabetes management was going, how I was doing emotionally, and any other concerns that I had. We talked about my concern over my (lack of) weight gain (I've only gained ten lbs in these thirty wks... this is not typical to my Lynn's pregnancy, but is about where I was in Nathan's) and game-planned what was next. I get another u/s in two weeks just to measure fluid levels, since that is a major point of worry for me (the only "guess" we have for Nathan's loss) and then another complete u/s two weeks later, when I'm at 34 weeks. I start my non-stress tests in two weeks, at 32 wks. I'll go in twice per week to be monitored for 30 mins. A lot of appointments to come, but that is fine by me! It means I'm getting closer and that it'll make sure we keep a close eye on this guy.

10 weeks and 2 days, counting down...

surprise!

Ahh!! I am sooo excited. My best friend just mailed me my baby bedding set, totally by surprise! Mr. UPS man arrived at my door and I had no idea what was in the box... it's so fun, so "boy" (no more pink/purple!), and I can't wait to see my little man tucked inside it all :)

no more sugar!

Ok, now that I've had four days for it to sink in... I'll share the "bad" news. I have gestational diabetes. I've gone from "not fair!" to "waah" to "ok, let's deal" to "waah" again to "it's gonna be ok." LOL - if you didn't follow all that, bottom line is, while I still feel sort of clueless about it all, it's gonna be ok. :) God's hand is in everything, including this step of the pregnancy. I need to learn to eat better anyways :)
My numbers weren't overwhelmingly high, but high enough to warrant being sent to a diabetes class and monitoring my glucose levels daily. I go to the class on Thursday, so hopefully that will clear up a lot of my cluelessness. I've looked online a bunch and spoken with some friends that have battled gestational diabetes and some that have type 2 diabetes in their families. Since today was grocery shopping day (double-couponed it at Harris Teeter to save over $50, wooho!), I was able to look around for whole wheat, low-carb, no-sugar, etc. products. There really is more out there than I expected. And, unfortunately, what I did expect, some of it was more expensive. Anyways, I don't feel "expert" enough to discuss specifics of what gest. diabetes means yet, but here are some links to sites that I have been perusing. Please ADD SITES in the comments if you know of any good resources and I'll edit them in. Maybe someone (plus myself!) can benefit from the info.

Mayo Clinic's Overview of Gestational Diabetes
Gestational Diabetes Sample Menu
Fast Food Carb Counts
Diabetic Recipes

I do have to say, after looking at the list of "risk factors," it seems like my getting it is almost a no-brainer. I fit in 3 of the 6 categories. I hesitate to put them out here for fear of needlessly worrying some of you, especially if you have delivered a stillborn yourself, but I found it interesting:

These factors increase your risk of developing diabetes during pregnancy:

• Being overweight prior to becoming pregnant (if you are 20% or more over your ideal body weight)
• Family history of diabetes (if your parents or siblings have diabetes)
• Being over age 25 (check mark this one)
  
• Previously giving birth to a baby over 9 pounds (my daughter was 8lb 12oz/close)
  
• Previously giving birth to a stillborn baby (unfortunately, yes)
  
• Having gestational diabetes with a previous pregnancy
  

(as listed by the Cleveland Clinic)

I think in my "not fair!" period of emotion, the statistic from the American Diabetes Assoc. that "Gestational diabetes affects about 4% of all pregnant women - about 135,000 cases of gestational diabetes in the United States each year" seemed to stand out. Kind of like when I heard these stats: Only "1 in 160 births are stillbirths" (March of Dimes). And now I am also one of the "only" 4% of all pregnant women get gestational diabetes. Numbers mean nothing to me anymore. :) Sad, but true.
I'll have to post more after my diabetes class on Thursday. It'll be then that I get to learn about pricking my finger for glucose readings and all that good stuff. Til then... (remember, if you have any words of wisdom or resources to share, please comment below!)

sugar, sugar, are you my friend?

Well, three needle pricks down, one more to go. The time is moving relatively fast, considering the medical building that I am waiting in has free wifi! Nothing like having nothing to do but catch up on my Reader and email :) God is so good, yall. I slept horribly all night, but I felt fine this morning not eating. After getting Lynn to school and finally to the lab, the sugar drink went down (not easily, per se, but down). I drank 10 oz (I think) of fluid containing 100g of sugar! Shew. It was kinda thick this time. Apparently the first test only has 50g of sugar, but they up it for the three hour test. The ladies in the lab are so kind and aside from the multiple stickings (which is never fun regardless), my body is holding up. Little man is liking the sugar and has been constantly bumping and thumping around. On an empty stomach, it's not too comfy, but I'm glad to know he's reacting accordingly to his "food" this morning. Results should be back tomorrow, so we'll see what the next step will be then!

"hi mama"

Had such an unexpected blessing yesterday!! I got to see baby boy in an ultrasound. Woohoo! The seven weeks since my gender u/s has been forever ago. Talk about comforting. It was balm to soothe the soul. The most amazingly wonderful thing... he was uncharacteristically calm during the check... so during the course of the u/s when the "wand" thing was over his head, he turned to look right at it. He stared at me and blinked several times, while I watched him open his mouth and swallow fluid. Oh my goodness, it was as if he was like, "Hey mama. How's it going?" He just stared and stared, opening and closing those adorable eyes. I almost cried like crazy right there it was so sweet. He has the chubbiest little cheeks (that would be from me/my dad) that I could see right there on the screen as he tipped his head back. Of course... I also had her check to just "make sure" he was indeed a boy and there it was - confirmation. :)
What a huge blessing. Man, I love this kid. I sure can't wait to meet him on the outside.

but sugar is my friend!

Got a lovely phone call today... my levels from the initial glucose test are "elevated." Now I have to go back for the three hour test. Ugh. I haven't had to go through this yet. My other pregnancies showed normal levels and there was no possibility of gestational diabetes. Now I know I'm older with this one and have technically crossed into my "30's" but seriously. Surely my age is not a factor. I haven't done much research about gestational diabetes, so I don't know anything about markers or risks for it or anything. Honestly, I don't want to "borrow trouble" and worry about it until we cross that bridge. My test isn't until next Thursday. So, til then I will just take it day by day and continue to eat carbs and sugar! :) What's ridiculous is how I feel baby move and wonder if it's different than the last two, as if I should feel something different were I to have gestational diabetes.
Other pregnancy news... I get another ultrasound (finally!) at my next appointment. I'll be just-about thirty weeks and then will begin the nonstress tests twice weekly beginning at thirty two weeks. I am sooo ready to see this little guy again. I want confirmation with my eyes that my fluid levels are right on, that he is doing well, growing, all organs functioning, etc. At this point, baby is about 2 lbs and swallowing/processing fluid through his system (or so the books say). I praise God for bringing us to this point and continuing to guide me through the ups and downs, but I find myself asking Him for patience these days. Should I have the diabetes, I know these last months will be so unbelievably hard and long.

I find myself where Jadon Lavik sings:
"Comforter, provider, protector, friend. Here I am again, asking for your mighty hand to lead me once again." (song: "Just Like You")

25 wks.

As I sit here, I notice I'm having a braxton hicks contraction. Wasn't sure I was going to start those this early, but I guess, as they say about subsequent pregnancies - you start things earlier with each one. I'd have to look up to see when I started having them with Nathan. Funny thing is I had been having these with Lynn for several weeks but didn't know they were contractions until I was hooked up to a monitor one day (about three weeks before her due date) because I had been spotting (which turned out just being due to having an internal exam earlier that day at the dr.) Anyways, it opened my eyes to what a contraction was. Honestly, because I was induced with both my kiddos, I haven't yet felt what it's like to have contractions get progressively worse and have to go through the traditional "labor" processes of timing them, calling the doctor, deciding when to drive to the hospital, etc. With Nathan, I actually had some rough ones for a period of about 30 minutes one afternoon after work. But, with drinking some water and laying down, they eventually went away. So, for these bhc's I'm just being a good girl with my feet up and slurping down some water.
I feel so run down lately. I haven't been sleeping well at all. Dreams and discomfort keep me from getting what I feel is "restful, quality" sleep. I wake up aching in my hips and my mind still reeling from the ridiculous dreams. There's no pattern to the dreams - some of them have to do with current events in my life, but others are random. Some are disturbing, others are normal events. I feel like I've been pregnant forever. We found out we were preggo with Nathan in Oct. '07, so between his pregnancy, the nine months in between his loss and the beginning of this one, plus these 5/6 months of this one, it's amounting to FOREVER. :) My arms almost ache with a desire to hold my baby. I just keep giving this up to the Lord and pray for His arms around me. He's so faithful and so constant - I can almost feel His hand holding me up sometimes through those periods when my emotions and thoughts run away like that. We have had youth leader and youth events all weekend where we've had three babies in attendance... the three that were born around Nathan's time. So watching them walk, crawl, chatter, splash in the pool have also stirred up thoughts of Nathan more recently. Thoughts of Nathan lead to thoughts of this little man and well, that's where I go and crave holding this little one, alive in my arms. Fifteen weeks to go until his due date. One week at a time, riding on the goodness of my God!

boy

Ok... I promised a post regarding my thoughts on finding out "boy." I must admit, I've run the whole line of emotions and thoughts.
Before you think I'm nuts for what I'm about to share... a little background... my whole family is girls. I grew up with one sister, five girl cousins, & not a boy in sight (besides my dad, one uncle & two grandfathers) :) I think that because I was so focused that this pregnancy was exactly like my daughter and nothing like my son's, I also set myself up thinking "girl" from the start. When the ultrasound tech (amazing lady - did SUCH a great job, talking about EVERYTHING she saw and measured) pointed out our little one's "boy part" I was in silent shock.
First emotions...
Intimidation: What do I do with a boy? I'm not a boy, I don't know anything about them. How do you raise boys? Boys are so full of energy, will I ever be able to keep up? A boy brings in new parts and issues I've never had to deal with! :)
Sadness: Honestly, I also felt at first that because this one is a boy it would somehow take away from the specialness of Nathan. Like, I'd forget him just because I was now having another boy. Like people would think (I would think?) this boy would somehow "replace" Nathan or who he would have been.
Irritation: I have been saving all of my daughter's stuff (clothes, toys, everything) and now I'm going to have to add a whole new set of boy stuff to it? My house is not large (as in about 1200 square feet) and our attic is already packed to the gills with girl stuff. Why can't I just have a girl and already be prepared?!

Ok, now that I've embarrassingly spilled all of that to you, I am happy to report that I am now sitting here counting the weeks until I can hold my little man. I am excited to be having a boy. Do I have answers to all of my emotions above? Nah. But, God has allowed, through His Word and through talking with friends with boys, to calm my fears and make me eagerly anticipate what my relationship will be like with my son. I look forward to seeing what the mother/son relationship will be like. I look forward to meeting him and watching him grow into a man.

Right now, I am super content feeling him inside me (he is so active, at just 20 wks)! I am starting to dream in the color blue. :)

plans

I just flew out to MO last week to spend the week with my best girl friend. All our girls (4 total) hung out for the week while her hubby was gone on a mission trip (incidentally mine was gone from home as well, also on a mission trip). Rather than sit around with our girls alone, in our separate states, I booked a flight a few months ago to her place to pass the time and have a whole bunch more fun! :)

Now it's always interesting to people-watch at airports, but the conversation that stayed with me actually happened on the plane (between the two seatmates in front of Lynn and I). She was discussing her and her husband's plan for children with the stranger sitting next to her. Apparently, she has two children already, that are both boys, 15 mos. apart. She had a brother a little over a year older than her growing up and they are inseparable and she wanted the same for her children, etc. She was now pregnant with baby #3, who they perfectly planned to arrive this fall, when her second son will be in kindergarten. They hope to then add a fourth that will also be between 12 and 18 mos. behind his/her third sibling.
.....
I stayed with my best friend who has three beautiful daughters. Her and her hubby's history includes one early miscarriage, followed by two girls, born 17 mos. apart and now a third who is just 8 weeks old this week (who is 3.5 yrs behind her sister). Her and her husband were awaiting an adoption placement with an adoptive mother when they discovered she was pregnant with their latest. They have a heart for adoption and truly want to adopt a child(ren) in need. After withdrawing their paperwork for the time being, I have no doubt they will again return to the process.
.....
A friend of mine, who is unable to have children and has already adopted a daughter (who is now 4), was recently placed with an adoptive mother who is to give birth to her son early August. She just got news this week that the mother has decided to keep and raise her son afterall. She feels devastated, as if she had just lost a baby she herself was carrying.
.....
I guess there's no real thread between all of these situations, except that the Lord pressed upon me a verse this week. Thinking back to my "history" and forward to my "future"... no one person's story is the same. Some have "perfect planning," some have "surprise planning," others have "dependant on anothers' planning," and yet all have this common thread,

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

My plans went out the window, as I know some of you reading this blog can identify with. But, ladies, we can all rest in the future He promises us, whether or not it shows up in the form of our plan or not.