Sunday, April 5, 2009

the rest of the story

Forgive me for taking so long to post this... but, I do want to share w/ you... after all, if you're reading my blog, you're walking through my journey with me. I want to be open and honest, so here's the "rest of the story."
When we last left off, I had gone to the doctor and received a "negative" reading on my pregnancy test. I was told to wait two weeks. After that two weeks, I still hadn't started, so I tried to get back in touch with my OB. However, I had trouble making an appointment, as my doctor's office computer system was down. I honestly had no idea where God was going with everything. So, after almost a third week going by, I finally got in to the doctor. They had me take another test... and this time it was positive. By that point, I had pretty much talked myself out of believing I could be pregnant, so I was quite shocked. I had nothing really to say to the nurse when she told me. I had to go get blood drawn to determine approximately how far along I might be since the test two weeks prior had been negative, but was now positive. The next day she calls telling me I was six weeks along. She was surprised to hear how far I was. She handed off the phone to the receptionist who scheduled my first few appointments. Now my news began to sink in.
I'd say the first day or two after finding out, I went through some funny emotions and thoughts. I want to try and put into words what some of those have been to share with you... I first felt that if I forgot or didn't think about Nathan anymore, then I wouldn't have to face the real truth that I might lose this one too. It was a weird feeling. Obviously, that's denying reality and I'm not one to do that, besides what was I going to do, not think of my son for the next eight months?
I then began to get excited, but immediately cautioned myself and wouldn't let myself think about next fall. I distracted myself and tried to think of something else.
I just didn't know whether I should feel free to dream or whether I'd get hurt again.
Ultimately after bobbing back in forth in unrest, I remembered...
I must rejoice in hope...
The Lord gives us a spirit of hope not of fear...
Basically, fast forward a week and a half and here I sit. My nurse appt. is tomorrow morning. They'll review my history and tell me what's to come. I'm sure this will sound very familiar with the sad truth of what I just experienced last May thrown in as my new "history." The ultrasound is scheduled for next week but I'm hoping after I talk with the nurse, she'll allow me to move it up to this week. I'm eight weeks now and that seems to be the "magic" age that one must wait for the first scan. I really am content, but I can't help but (negatively) fear that this little one might already be gone, but I won't know until I see a heartbeat. It kinda of freaks me out to think that way. I want to rejoice in excitement, but remain cautious. A loss may still be in my future. Afterall, I can only walk one day at a time in trust. The thing is, in trust doesn't mean that I turn my back on God should it not go my way. But, I don't want to go this whole pregnancy worried, timid to commit to anything baby in our future.
At my folks this past week, they've been cleaning house for putting it on the market. Basically, they're sorting through 20 yrs worth of "stuff." We found baby clothes, knitted by my (now deceased) grandma... I'm so eager to be able to use it on my fall baby. My daughter is a summer baby. I was not able to use those newborn knit sweaters with her.
Anyways, I'm all over the place in this post (& emotions/thoughts), but I wanted to "talk" with you gals.
I'm pregnant. I'm allowing myself to dream. I don't want to be tied down by fear.

"May the God of hope fill (me/us) you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,
so that (I/we) you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13

I have a request... if you follow me on twitter, please don't mention the pregnancy on my twitter. There are "real life" friends who follow twitter (that don't read this) that don't know yet. I covet your prayers, but we're not planning on telling any friends until after we've had our first ultrasound. Thank you!


Charity and Tony said...

Just said a prayer for you! So happy for you, but I know you must be experiencing so many mixed emotions.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! I can empathize with all your feelings, not that I've been through what you have, but I get it and I'm glad you are allowing yourself to walk through those emotions, it's important. I will be praying for you.