Monday, March 16, 2009

now what

Well another week has passed with no change in response from my body. I do not think that I am "with child." Surely another week late would have brought on stronger symptoms? So add to confusion and sorrow, anger. I'm a bit annoyed at the set-back. Hm. That didn't sound too submissive to the Lord did it? I'm battling with the frustration of another month's cycle being delayed. Silly, I know. But, honestly, I guess it's easier to be frustrated than saddened yet again. It's easier to deal with frustration by pushing that feeling down then trying to push back the feeling of sorrow. Yes, I said push back. I am one of those unhealthy people that would rather ignore a feeling than deal with it. Going through the loss of Nathan, however, was one emotion I could not simply ignore. That was too big of a hit. The Lord brought me through that grief process by dealing with the emotions as they came. My husband (who does not run from problems quite like I do) definitely was instrumental in helping me release those feelings and thoughts. I had another "grief moment" this weekend... yesterday was a youth fundraiser spaghetti dinner after church... there was one point after the meal in which I was holding a friend's 5 mo. old little girl. In that moment, the other two ladies that had babies around the time of my loss or after both came over to the table as well. I couldn't help but be overcome by sadness, realizing that my Nathan should've been a part of that baby group. I should've been holding my baby boy. The only boy from church born in '08, all the rest being little girls. We should've been joking how my little man would have his pick of women in the future. All these girls surrounding him. We should've all been fighting for the high chairs, needing to feed our babies their baby food for lunch. Holding little Emily in my arms certainly helped, as I think I would've walked away had she not "made me" stay at the table. I at least had the feeling of a child in my arms. Not my child, but she filled the void at that moment for me.
So weird. As women, our bodies are so central. Whether it's a physical condition that affects our mental and spiritual well-being, or our mental battles that affect our physical, I know that I (when I'm not purposefully ignoring it) try to be tuned in to all of the above, too much. I think I am battling both. I look for physical symptoms of pregnancy and after finding some, get my hopes up. But, sometimes just the over-thinking of pregnancy, future, past, etc. affects my physical. It makes me neausous or just plain worn out.
However, when I have my priorities the way they should be, the Lord comes first and He makes everything settle into where it should be. He takes my mind off of my body (that sounds funny :) and puts my thoughts on Him. It's in those moments, that my physical, spiritual, and mental are all where they belong.
The week will continue. The calendar is full, so I have no doubt of time marching on. I'll eventually call the doctor again and maybe we can move my (physical) body along. As to everything else, I've got to leave that up to Him. He helped me through my grief spot this weekend and He'll continue to lead me onward now as well.

1 comment:

Kerry Hasenbalg said...

I am so sorry for your pain and heartache! This is the first time I have visited your blog (I actually just figured out how to visit blogs of people who comment on my- I am a super slow learner in these areas). WOW - You have and are walking through some very difficult things. I will visit your blog again. For now, just know that I am very glad I came here today. Lord bless you! Kerry Hasenbalg