a little late

Talk about technologically out of it (or sorta...)...

Last night, as everyone was becoming aware of Bin Laden's death, I was in Harris Teeter for another round of super double couponing (that, and the necessities of milk and eggs which we were out of). When I arrived home (10-something pm), hubs and I sat down for a bowl of ice cream (ok, so maybe I picked up a few extra things too...) and we hulu'd last week's Amazing Race episode. I have twitter turned off to my cell after 10p ('cause my goal is bed at 10p each night, not that it actually happens!) so we had no idea until waking up this morning to everyone's tweets.

I watched Obama's speech, then went into blog-land. I immediately turned to the military wife bloggers that I read. [One outcome of our "dead end" road to Army Chaplaincy has been that I have added several new wonderful military spouse blogs to my reader. I have enjoyed getting to know these gals quoted below, as well as several others that are stationed all over the globe!]
I wanted to hear from spouses whose husbands courageously serve and had universally a hand in this take-down. How were military families reacting?

Army wife Megan at "To Love a Soldier" gives us a glimpse. She writes,

I will remember this day for a long time. I will remember telling my husband who didn't know yet. I will forever remember watching his face while he listened to the President speak through the speakers of Skype. I will remember him saying, "This is a good day for justice." I will remember my tears, the goosebumps, how much my body shook. I will remember. And I will hold onto this day.

But as my husband said tonight, "This is not over." This does not mean my husband will come home sooner. This does not mean his next deployment won't happen. This does not mean we are safe. This war is not over. Understand that.

Coast Guard wife Courtney at The Mommy Matters, reflects,

This won’t be the end of the war with Al-Qaida. Not at all. I won’t stop praying for the men and women overseas. But for tonight, I will rejoice in the victory for the United States and the men & women in uniform who have fought tirelessly to bring justice to the lost souls of the Al-Qaida attacks. I will rejoice relentlessly for the fact that not a single American life was lost today when Bin Laden was killed.

Army Chaplain wife Monica at Daily Dwelling, points readers to Psalm 102:25-27 & reminds us,

It is comforting to know that our God is the same.

He will always remain.

Yesterday

today

and tomorrow.

We serve a God who is always there, never changing, and never ending.

Thank you for the reminders, ladies. Thank you for a glimpse of your reaction to the news.

I just want to, again, say thank you to the men, women, and families that serve our country tirelessly. They repeatedly put their lives in danger to find and destroy terrorists and the ideals they hold. They defend our country and defend her honor as well as her citizens' safety.

As to my opinion? I celebrate the justice of his death. The death of a man that intends to kill and destroy (& has) without restraint, in order to establish a pure Islamic nation, can't help but evoke a sense of relief. He was the evil instigator behind so many American lives lost. That being said, I don't believe that God intends for us to revel or brag about our conquest. We must constantly be on guard. Satan prowls like a roaring lion, seeking to devour.

I guess the bottom line comes down to that I'm not rejoicing over one death, but rather the number of lives now spared. I grieve that Bin Laden most likely did not have a saving relationship with Christ. (Although I do not have the power to read a man's heart, his actions and words surely suggest that he did not know Christ as His Savior). He is now suffering eternally in a lake of fire. As a Christian, that just hurts my heart for him. A free gift was his for the taking, but was (most likely) rejected. While it doesn't come down to differences of religious practices, it does come down to a single relationship.

How about you? How is your family reacting to the news? Did you catch the news live or late like I did? ;)

change

Funny how the phrase "change of plans" can mean things don't change at all.
Our journey towards Army Chaplaincy has come to an end. We received word this week that my hubby was disqualified due to medical reasons, specifically pertaining to the near-fainting episodes he had twice last fall. Those two "near syncope" (medical jargon) episodes were completely uncharacteristic of him. He is the one in our home that is always healthy and always has been. Even after all the ER run tests (echocardiogram, EKG, blah blah) came back normal, and even after being cleared by a cardiologist, he was disqualified.

What is so crazy to think about, in the grand scheme of God's sovereignty, is that those two episodes might have occurred for this very reason alone: God didn't want him in the military. He has somewhere else to use him/us and most likely, He's still got some things to teach us out of this. Hopefully our stubborn selves will be open to what that is. Sooner rather than later. :)
So while we are "ok" with the shut (no, slammed) door, it means we are back to square one. We are back to envisioning our future as this big, huge question mark once again. We have been praying and thinking Army for awhile now and had come to grips with the pros & cons that occupation would have meant. Now, however those thoughts are replaced with a gaping black hole. Or, if you're a "glass half full" kind of person (which generally I am), it's a large piece of paper, waiting on the Author's pencil to write the words down. (That sounds a little more positive, doesn't it?)

So while this decision changed our plans for the future, in everyday life it really means nothing has changed at all. We sit and wait... I thought the Army was all about "hurry up and wait," but turns out our Sovereign God requires the very same of us. For now.

the "fix"

"Sin comes in many varieties, but one of the primary strands is what I call a legitimate illegitimate sin. We attempt to meet a legitimate need, but we do it in an illegitimate way. We aren't patient enough to wait for God to meet the legitimate need in the legitimate way He has prescribed, so we look for a quick over-the-counter fix." (p.120 of Soulprint by Mark Batterson)

Ugh - why do we do this?! We are such a "fast food"-minded society. You can "have it your way" whenever you want. No need to slave over a hot stove, just pull up to the nearest drive-through, and wa-la, food at your fingertips. Just like our roaring stomachs can make it hard to wait for dinner, when discontentment and selfishness roar their ugly sinful heads off it is even harder to wait on the Lord.

My family has almost passed the fourteenth month mark of my husband's being let go from the church. We have been in the process of praying about and applying for Army chaplaincy for almost ten months now. We have slowly begun applying to a few church positions for about three months now. Some days more than others, I am tempted to look for that "quick over-the-counter fix." What can we do to make our monetary situation better? What can we do to make ends meet? The reality is that God has so amazingly provided for our family these 14 months. In really stopping and thinking about things, I don't know why I waste my time even looking for a quick fix! The lack of patience is a sin. Honestly, I'd much rather have His "legitimate" fix in my life than mine any day. Help my trust and patience in waiting on You, Father!

brave for Christmas

I heard this song on the radio last week and had to go find it, to make sure I had gotten the gist of it correct.
It's "I'll be Brave this Christmas" by Big Daddy Weave.

To all my military family friends, get your tissues, this one is in your honor -

Thank you for your sacrifices. It means more than I can express in mere words.

Linking this to Courtney's No Mom Talk Monday, a blog by a military spouse who is about to reconnect with her hubby after 8 mos! Click on her badge and stop by her blog to tell her thank you for their family's service for our great country...

interview

As I type... a colonel is impacting our future... my husband is meeting with a chaplain colonel at a nearby Army post. Endorsement has been acquired, paperwork is together, now this interview has to take place before a packet can be compiled and sent to the review/selection board. As this process has taken (by our own choosing) about nine months to come to this point, God has worked on my heart in many ways. I feel that I am living content with where we are... as far as our situation right now. Sure, it might not be where I'd want to stay forever (monetarily or geographically), but I guess I've learned even more about rolling with things. My role (first and foremost, to be a forgiven, loved, redeemed, child of God) is to be wife and mommy no matter where we live or what my husband does for a living. Some days I struggle with that - my sinful, selfish side wants to break free and be "more" or "different," but when I stop and let the Lord work on my heart, I realize just how much "more" I already have access to. My boundaries are limitless in God's eyes. A teen called last night asking for help in reading a passage in 2 Timothy. It comes to mind now with this idea of limitlessness. By repenting and throwing off any sin that hinders our relationship with God, He is free to use us for so much.

21 Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work.

No matter what my future holds, I do know that God will use me if only I am usable. My contentment must rest in Him and my role defined by His loving hand.

Veterans Day

The "Betsy Ross Colonial Flag," as found at historic Old Salem, NC


The current American Flag, as found flying at my house daily

Veterans Day... So many things that brings to mind... both grandfathers' time in the Army, fighting in WWII... my father-in-law's time in the Navy... friends from college who married into the military... new friends I have "met" through twitter that are currently spouses of military servicemen... our possible future in the military...

Veterans Day... So many things to be thankful for... freedom... capitalism... democracy...

Veterans Day... Thank you, past and present military families... risking your life... your daily sacrifices... living as a single spouse for periods of time... all for the sake of the USA.

a future to "figure out"

So much of our lives these days are, "What are we going to do?" (vocational ministry in chaplaincy or a church or stay in the secular job world). I was listening to a sermon by Francis Chan yesterday and within his message he said something to the effect of that so many times we go to speak or do something and say, "God show up today - speak/work through what I am doing." Yet it's really His show, His "party" as Chan called it. We forget that we are not the star attraction. It is His "party" that we have been invited to. We don't go to something and then invite Him there.
It just made me think of this whole "our future"-decision. Do I just expect us to make a decision of where we need to go and then invite Him there to bless it? Are we so weighed down and caught up in the going when we should be caught up in serving here and now and then be obedient when the opportunity arises to go? And if that's the case, do we even keep walking down a road towards a decision so that doors can open? How do we not make ourselves the star attraction when it's our life we're trying to "figure out?"

details

Consumed today with thinking about details. Wanting to know when, where... will it happen? At what point do I think in "go" mode? I know it's too early. But just like this small square foot of pebbles and rocks in the photo, the details seem so big right now. The small things seem large. However, if I would've shot this further back, the bigger picture would have shown these small pebbles as so much smaller. They would've all contributed to the larger picture of the path I was walking on. I need to remember that God's picture is so much bigger. He has a path, He has a plan for us.

next? next!

Back from our trip to NAMB and have a kiddo with the stomach flu. My poor mom apparently also has that stomach flu back at her house today as well. (Sorry, mom!)
The interview went well! We were told that if we made it that far & were invited to NAMB, then it was just a matter of a few more questions during the official interview time and hopefully no red flags from that. And... no red flags, so my hubby is "provisionally" endorsed! There's a meeting later this month, where the trustees (I think) look over his file and officially give an endorsement that the Army requires. NAMB was such a generous host, feeding us, encouraging us, and answering all the questions we could come up with.
Next up for us - getting with the Army chaplain recruiter and doing all that he requires. Army's chaplain spots are being reduced so the next challenge is to be accepted by the Army over all the other candidates applying. If I heard correctly, there are 120 faith groups that are represented by chaplains in the military. That is a bunch! I don't even think I could name 50, let alone 120! So, with the Army only having about four dozen spots open for 2011, it will completely be a "God-thing" if he is selected. Not that my husband isn't an amazing candidate for it - his military college degree along with his vocational ministry experience make him an excellent choice! However, for me, it's intimidating hearing the stats. We have slowly walked this direction, praying that doors will close if we aren't headed in a God-honoring direction, so we'll just keep doing that.
There were 14 others there with us this week. It was such a sweet time. Technically, I guess, we are in competition with two of those, as there were three of us families interested in Army (the others were either church planters, hospital chaplains, or Navy chaplains). We all bonded quickly, sharing our journey thus far, talking about our children, and discussing our hopes for the future. I guess that's kind of a foreshadowing of what Army life will be like. From what I hear, friendships are established quickly and life is shared.
I feel a bit more settled. We have a focused goal to work towards. Of course, it is mostly up to my husband to get through the steps which will include a bunch of paperwork and physical fitness training. However, I do have a job in all of this, as his wife - to pray, encourage, and cook low fat meals. :) I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store.
Now, time to go check on my daughter...

following

Have you heard the song from Chris Tomlin titled, I Will Follow? Every time I hear the song I get chills and my heart feels full. I realize that the song writer is talking about following God - All your ways are good; All your ways are sure; I will trust in You alone. I want that to be my heart's cry. I want to submit right now to His ultimate authority over my life. However, when the song comes to the chorus - Where you go, I'll go; Where you stay, I'll stay; When you move, I'll move; I will follow you - I first think of the Ruth, from the Bible. She committed to staying with her mother in law, Naomi, even after her husband's death. She was willing to move to Naomi's homeland even though it was foreign from hers. Then my thoughts turn to our possible life transition - from civilian to military. This decision requires bravery and commitment from my husband, but also from me (& the kids). However, I respect his love and leadership for our family. I am not opposed to the idea of becoming a military family. I see how God has given him (well both of us really) preferences, gifts, and abilities that are well-suited for that lifestyle (or at least my perception of it). I trust my husband and know that he will lead us, not necessarily into the path of least resistance, but to the path which God has allowed us to walk down. So, with my heart full of love, I say to my God and my husband, "I will follow you."

hi.

So. Here I sit. So many months have passed. So much swirling around inside my head. How in the world do I even try and put into words my thoughts? It's so funny how God wires some people to speak words and others just to churn them around inside. My daughter and husband fit the first category and I the second. We'll have to see who Zane is most like in time. (Sorry, Courtney, that was the only time I'll talk about my kiddos specifically, lol).

Anyways. Time has crept on, we figured out how to maneuver through the unstable world of unemployment, and God provided for each and every need we had at that time. I don't really want this post (& future posts) to be merely a synopsis of what I've done for the past four absent months, but rather a glimpse of where we are now. What we've learned. What we're still trying to figure out. Maybe even where we'll wind up.

This blog receives hits from grieving mothers and I hope that you moms have found a reminder here of the hope that can be found in Christ. It's that same hope that guides our days now. Although losing a job was a far cry from losing a child, it still gave us a "wilderness" of sorts to wander in. I mentioned that my husband was pursuing an endorsement for military chaplaincy. We are now at the end of that process. In a week, we are heading to Georgia for a three-day "interview" with the SBC North American Mission Board. I have no idea what to expect and feel excitement, fear, and wonder all at the same time. Maybe this is the ministry for which God has chiseled and prepared us for over the past seven years of tough vocational church ministry. Not sure. As I sit here and let my mind wander over the past few months... we're weathered bill-paying without a paycheck, we've had a role-reversal of jobs for three months, we've fought, we've come closer together, we've tried to model trusting God to our children, we've prayed, we've ignored God, we've gone to (Biblical) counseling, we've sought guidance from trusted family and friends, we've stared at the walls of the house for days on end, we've gone outside and screamed aloud (that was fun), but ultimately through it all, we've grown, we've added experiences and memories to our past. I think back to losing Nathan and feel so removed from that experience. Two years was a long time ago and it'll just get further away with more time. The moment is just that, a moment. Amazing how fast a moment goes by. So while I sit in this "moment" of time now, before I know it, the next one will be here.

Over the past few weeks, I've been searching for military wives' blogs. I've come across several, but keep coming back to Live Beautiful. We share a love of photography and I've enjoyed reading about her life experiences as well. I decided to use her "No Mom Talk Monday" (on a Tuesday, lol) as an inspiration of sorts to get back into blogging.

sovereignty

Meditating on a few thoughts this morning. My husband and I are reading the book Trusting God, Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. The idea of "God's will" has been one we've personally wrestled with. I think it's a pretty universal question, as Christians seem to be preoccupied with what God wants for us. However, in my opinion, and what God's been showing me, is that the better thought is of His sovereignty. When we take the focus off of "me" (God's will for me) and put it on Him (who He is), our attention is better placed.

Anyway, a quote from the first chapter of Bridges' book: "God in His love always wills what is best for us. In His wisdom He always knows what is best, and in His sovereignty He has the power to bring it about" (p17, emphasis mine).

These ideas are swirling in my head as I wrestle with emotions from over the weekend. Another Mother's Day without Nathan. The 2 year mark of Nathan's death approaching. Irrational thoughts of losing Zane. My intense need to check on Zane during his naptimes for breathing. Job loss. Questions of the future. My husband pursuing reception of an endorsement from the So. Baptist Association in order to apply to Army Chaplaincy. The possible move from civilian life to Army life. So much, too much!

Help me remember, Lord, that because of your love, your wisdom, and your sovereignty, my life is best placed in your hands. I trust you with the future of my son, specifically, as well as the future of our family. Help me take the focus off of me and put it on you, and your magnificence.

Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O LORD, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.
1 Chronicles 29:11

silence

SO much going on in my life right now. Have you ever felt so close to God, but unable to hear him regarding something that you need an answer for? My husband and I have been seeing a NANC counselor for about six weeks now and it has been such a good thing. We are being refined and the fire hasn't been pretty, but by walking in obedience, ultimately desiring to conform to His image, we are drawing closer to God and each other. Severance has run out, but God has provided for our needs through a few random jobs for my husband and by allowing my hobby of photography to bring in some money as well, as I've begun to take pictures of families. So that leaves the question of what next? We've had two small secular job offers come in, one p/t for me, one f/t for him. No way that we could take both, with the way the hours are. His is less than ideal, but it's a job. Mine is ideal, but wouldn't make it easy for him to gain employment to supplement mine to make it enough for our family. Make sense? But that's not even the most complicated part... the complicated part comes in when we explored a way-out-there option. One that we've been skirting around together for the past nine years or so and him for a few years before that. The Army (or National Guard), specifically the chaplaincy program. My husband went to a military college, but did not commission. He went to seminary directly after college. So, military life isn't too far "out there" for him. In fact, if he went into the army, he'd start out at a pretty good spot in the hierarchy. However for me, it's a whole new world (and my name's not Jasmine, lol). It's totally scary on one hand, but on another I feel an uncanny peace about the ministry opportunities that it would bring about. We're praying in what facet of ministry can God best use us... we're praying if Army chaplaincy is the next path for us to take. Youth ministry is still close to my husband's heart, but in counseling we were challenged to "open the box" and pray if God might have another place for us. There's more to the back story and that remains private to us, however we were both stretched with that idea - what if it's something other than youth ministry? And in the meantime, how do we pay for our bills?! When is "a bird in the hand worth two in the bush?" When do you just "take something" to have something? I'm worried that by passing over the f/t opportunity, our health benefits will run out next month and there won't be any other offers. Even if we felt the complete pull to f/t military ministry, the process to begin takes 3-6 mos. In some ways I feel so close to God when I see what we've been through and what we've been sorting through, but He feels so silent...