Tuesday, March 10, 2009

blank?!

Struggling with many different emotions this morning... I went in to the doctor yesterday for a pregnancy test and the urine test came up negative, so they gave me two options - one to wait it out another week or two for another ptest or go for the blood test. Well, the blood test was the "no brainer" option as I really just would like to know what's up. Just got the call this morning that the blood test was negative as well.
I feel... relieved... sad... worried... confused. Honestly, I'd just like to know what's up with my body. The nurse said that I could still be pregnant and just too early to get readings on a test (even a blood test?) or that my body could just had a "blank" release (for lack of a better word). I understand what she's saying, but on the other hand, I'm having a hard time believing the second option. I am a really regular gal in my cycle. She said my symptoms of tiredness and irritability could just be because normally I am in my period right now and even in the "blank" scenario our bodies will have these normal monthly side effects. I'm not really struggling with nauseousness, but then I don't usually get sick with my babies. Anyways... the next step is to wait another week or two then if I haven't started, go back in for another ptest and if it's negative, then take a pill to force a period. So, anyways, I guess I have no choice in the next step - I mean, I can't deny what my body is testing. I guess I'm not pregnant - maybe I'm just wishful thinking - I just want resolution to the problem and to get back to "normal." I'm just really tired and emotionally "volatile" right now :) I've also been staying away from the gym because I'm not sure what's going on. I guess I just need to get back in to that routine, just maybe not lifting til I get this resolved though. No excuse for staying away from the treadmill though ;)
Today's my first morning home alone since going to the conference a week ago. Last week when we got home, my father in law came in to town and he and hubby worked on one of our cars. So, I'm trying to soak up this silence and turn my thoughts up to the Lord. I have put in a cd - Tim Timmons. He led worship at the conference. I think he and his band lead music for the youth program at Saddleback Church in CA. If you're in CA, check out the link and take the opportunity to worship with Tim leading the music.
"You are good. You're love endures." "Humble me for You." "For You, my life to You I bring." "No one else can do the things You do. All the strength's in You." "Lord help me believe bigger than me." "Help me sing Your powerful melody that covers my pride with humility." "I will trust You alone." Let these roll around in my head and maybe my focus will get where it needs to be. I desire to trust solely in Him - it's just these human, bodily desires for more than what I have right now and wanting answers now. He is God alone. I need to get off the throne seat. It's His and His alone.

2 comments:

Lindsay said...

Hey! I've been busy and not keeping up with comments or e-mails very well, but I have been reading your blog and I wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. I know how difficult it is to want to be pregnant yet have to wait patiently on God's plan, and the mysterious cycle must be especially frustrating in this time. I hope you are able to focus on God and keep your anxieties at bay...

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry you're going through this :(
I am glad that you have a blog though, look forward to reading it!