I recently spent time going back through the photos that were taken of Nathan on his birth/death day. They were not taken by a professional (something I so grievously regret that I didn't push for) and therefore are dark, unclear, and a bit awkward. The heart-intent of the young nurse that night was pure, I'm sure, however they are sadly all I am left with almost three years later. So, since I've been playing with Lightroom for awhile now, I thought I'd import them in and see what I could do to lighten them up. I didn't expect the emotion to come flooding back, but it did. Now having such a vibrant 1 year old boy in my home, I am reminded of what I don't have, who Nathan could have been. Seeing how different Lynn and Zane are, I wonder what Nathan's personality would be like. I picture the two of the boys on the floor playing cars together, "zooming" them all around. Would Nathan have made car noises and begun pointing out cars as early as Zane has? Would he be as snugly as Zane or as independent as his big sister has always been? Would he have the same shade of brown eyes as Lynn or darker like Zane? Or, might he have had (gasp) blue like me? :) My heart cries out to know. To know who he would have been.
It touches my heart when Nathan comes up in conversation or comes to mind during random times. Lynn had a homework assignment that dealt with the number of syllables in words. We then went through the names of our family to see who had the most syllables of all of us. She brought up Nathan as one of our family member's names. (My heart warmed). A few weeks ago, while playing with Zane, Lynn randomly said, "I wish that I had both baby brothers to play with." She wished that she had Nathan and Zane. (My heart warmed). As we walk around the house, Zane loves to point out the people he recognizes in photo frames. My heart skipped a beat when I came to a photo of Nathan's little baby feet and realized that Zane didn't so readily understand those were Nathan's toes. Will he ever recognize him? How could he? (My heart grieved). A friend of mine has gone through two miscarriages within just a few short months. (My heart grieves for her and reminds me of how it felt to lose my child).
I guess it's just a natural part of life after loss. In a way, just as with other trials in life, it's good to remember... good to be driven to the point of feeling that emotion raw again. Personally, it reminds me how far God has brought me. It reminds me of the blessings I have in my life. The time with others that I've been given that I have no excuse not to use the best way I can. And in the case of Nathan, it reminds me that I do have more children than I can see and touch right now, but that I will one day reunite with in the presence of our amazing Savior.