Friday, October 15, 2010


Today is one of three days that my Nathan is in the front of my thoughts... Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. (The other two are Mother's Day and of course, the anniversary of his birth/loss).
It's been almost 2 1/2 years since going through that day of loss, confusion, and pain. My husband was taken to the hospital on Wednesday (more on that later) and as we were driving home that evening, the experience of driving home after losing Nathan washed over me. It was if I was doing it all over again. Weird. I guess it was because we were driving that same route back home, in the car together alone, with that feeling of disconnect from the world because you've just spent time at the hospital (where time seems to stand still, but in reality the world goes on). I remembered the feelings of utter rock-bottom sorrow, disappointment, shock, and hurt. I had left the hospital, riding down in the mandatory wheelchair, with a box of "memorabilia" on my lap, being pushed next to a mommy with a brand new baby boy on her lap. I remember praying for that unsuspecting mommy because I knew if I thought about the baby that was supposed to be on my lap, I'd weep uncontrollably.
I remember my husband pulling up to the door, lovingly guiding me into the car, shutting the door, and pulling off. It was as if I were in a fog during the ride home. Something I remember clearly... the pure voice of Natalie Grant, singing Our Hope Endures. God's timing for that song was incredible. He spoke to me through those lyrics. I thanked God that I knew His hope - that despite my despair, His love would carry me through. Somehow. Sometime.
And He did. I think back to that day, still with sadness over a life lost, but with love in my heart, a thankfulness for the 36 weeks I had with Nathan, an empathy for those experiencing infant loss, and a strength from a tragedy walked through with Guidance.
If you are here going through a similar walk, I welcome you to leave a comment here honoring your precious little one.

1 comment:

Rebekah said...

How beautiful that in the midst of crushing grief you were able to pray for that mom rather than allowing bitterness to rule. Our God is so kind to give us that kind of faith even as He allows us to grieve, isn't He? I have 4 precious children in Heaven who I only got to know in my heart for less than 12 weeks each. This post is a lovely reminder for me to pray for other moms who have experienced that same grief.