Sunday, May 25, 2008

journal, the day my world crashed

Journal dated May 25, 2008, around 2am.
I delivered Nathan the 24th at 10p and this journal was written as I was waiting to see him again (nurses took him to clean and dress him - something I just honestly couldn't handle), trying to process it all. This is a little "newsy" but quite literally I was just still in shock, hoping to record some of the details that I thought I might forget after time. I'm hoping that just by sharing I'll help someone out there who is going through the same thing... experiencing the shock of the moment, the unfairness of the event, the unthinkable of what comes next. My prayers are for all of you that are going through this! If I can pray for you specifically, please don't hesitate to contact me.

To my little Nathan, who is in heaven,
There are no words to even describe what I'm feeling - shock, sadness, despair, sorrow, whirlwind, how, when, grief. Those are the ones that come out first.
Today is your birth and death date. You were perfectly formed - lots of dark hair, five fingers on each hand, five toes on each foot. 5 lbs, 2.5 oz. So little you were pushed out in only about 10 minutes, ending at 10:05p.
It all began this morning, when I woke up after still not feeling you move the previous night. I called the doctor's office and the nurse on call said to drink caffeine then lay down for one hour. During that hour, I only felt one possible movement so she sent me to the hospital. We got here around 11a. That's about when our life took a horrible nose-dive. The nurse could not find your heartbeat. She called Dr. L who eventually came in with an ultrasound machine. After scanning you, he turned to me and said, "I'm sorry." Those words immediately brought me back to when I learned of the miscarriage of baby #2, your sister or brother. I don't remember what I said (probably "what?") however the heaviness and sorrow that descended upon me was immediate.
Very low fluid levels was pretty much the first diagnosis. The "unfairness" feeling hit me, as I'd JUST gone to the doctor on Thursday afternoon and measured right on target! How could I lose fluid when my water didn't break and I wasn't leaking? Apparently fluid wasn't produced Friday and Saturday? The level might have already been low - I'd lost weight my past two appointments. Of course I look back and question...
I decided I was "ready" to just start labor then. I felt so upset, again "unfairness" that I still had to go through labor and delivery. That seemed unthinkable.
Well the unthinkable started with a pill deposited by my cervix at 1:30p, contractions began, and dilation slowly began. I got an epidural (one that made my left leg more numb than my uterus! I was so upset w/ the anesthesiologist). By 6:30p, I was at three cm's and by 9:30p I was feeling the downward push of pressure. We cleared the room of guests (our sweet, sweet church family) and got ready for delivery.
You came out with the cord loosely wrapped around your neck and barely any fluid (causes?) You came out dark-complexioned (which the doctor warned about) and with lots of dark hair. It was really hard to see you non-living, non-breathing. I kinda felt disconnected...

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