Wednesday, July 23, 2008

no clue

Who knew that when I started this blog about a year ago, that the name would be so poignant for such a time as this? Just about nine weeks ago, the quicksand threatened to pull me under. At 36 weeks pregnant, I lost my little boy. My unborn son. Suddenly lifeless inside me. The shock, the confusion, the sadness, the anger. I think I experienced all the stages of grief within one short moment of hearing the words, "I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat." from the OB doctor. I wanted to sign back on to this blog and write this post to tell you how amazing God is. God has given my husband and I such a tremendous sense of peace. He's allowed me to have joy (not happiness, but joy) despite the pain. James 1's message of "joy despite trials" is possible because we have such an amazing God, truly. I have no clue how people without faith in Christ can do it. Relying on yourself to understand the "whys" and get past the "what ifs" get you nowhere. Only God can one day answer those questions and until then, I am resting in His mercy. He's got my son in heaven and I am amazed, when I stop to think, of what he must be experiencing. He knows nothing of the pain and suffering and evil here on earth, but only of the glory of God. Man, what an honor! To be praising our Savior, in person! It'd be so selfish of me to pull him out of heaven (if I could) to bring him to earth to experience the "world" vs. heaven. 
I, obviously, would never ever have wanted to lose my baby and I have mourned his loss and had some rough days, but God has allowed me to overcome the grief and focus on the future. I think of my son daily, in some aspect or another, but wouldn't want it any other way. Thinking of him reminds me that he was real and those nine months of pregnancy really did happen. Otherwise it would just feel like a dream. Already details of the pregnancy and his delivery have faded and that makes me sad. I don't ever want to forget that I have a son, as well as a daughter. One day I will get to see him again. Until then, I will rest in my Father's peace knowing that my son is resting in His arms. 

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