Friday, January 14, 2011

just... breathe

You ever feel like you just wanna ball up your life and toss it out the window? Not literal life, as in breathe in breathe out, but the circumstances, maybe even your roles and who you are. Ok, let's stop talking hypothetically and I'll just confess... I do. I wonder what life would be like without a husband and kids. I wonder what life would be like if I worked full time outside the home. I wonder what life would be like if I lived in the same town where I grew up. I wonder what life would be like if I lived on the other side of the country, the world. I wonder what life would be like if Nathan were still alive and I was juggling three kids, not just two. I wonder what life would be like if it were just me. I'm sure it would be completely lonely and life would seem even more pointless without children to raise or a husband to help. But the completely totally selfish side of me just wonders... I hesitate even typing this. I know there are single gals out there, there are childless women out there, each who crave from their innermost being for their lives to be different. For a husband to hold them. For children for them to hold.
Honestly I don't want to "toss it" but it's so like the devil to just jump on frustration that I feel at times and plant those "I wonder" lies in my head. I am grateful for the relationships I have in my life, my husband, my children.
Digging down deeper, maybe some of this "ball it up and toss it out" comes out of fear. Fear of failure in raising my children. It'd be easier to "toss it out." Responsibility is hard. Everything of this world is so screwed up, including my actions when I act out by the flesh instead of the spirit. I'm afraid we're not going to "get it right." Course maybe with all this screwedupness, they'll crave the perfection of the Savior. That's my hope anyways.
Ladies, from one woman to another, hang in there. Breathe in... breathe out... don't ball it up and toss it out. I won't either.

1 comment:

David and Sarah said...

Thank you for sharing this. I know that those feelings aren't easy to deal with, nor are they easy to express by any means, but I needed to read this post today. I appreciate your openness and your honesty more than you will know. Breathe in, breathe out.