lifting up my head

So the week continues. More heartache as more details come out. People we thought were our biggest supporters were involved in a behind-the-scenes "sounding board," led by the senior pastor, which "unanimously" agreed that we needed to be let go. Leaders which we invited into our home monthly, for prayer times, leader meetings, and personal dinners... I am feeling torn, believing they were put in a tough spot by the senior pastor but knowing they didn't stand up for the student ministry. Bits and pieces are coming out. Who's the bad guy? Or, as God whispers... does there have to be a bad guy? God's working on my heart and I'm trying to sort out feeling with fact... His facts.
The process of grieving this week is much like the process I went through not so long ago, after losing Nathan. Losing a job doesn't compare to losing a child, but a ministry job is more than just a job, it's encompasses our whole life - friends & beliefs, as well as the day to day of a "job." It's been surreal and hard to go through this process again. It still doesn't feel quite real. I have discovered something about myself, though. When the shock or event first hits, I can deal with it calmly and level-headed. It's a couple of days later that I break down. After a few days, I am ready to run away from it all. Unfortunately, I do this by pushing away from everyone, which tends not to be the best for everyone else in my family. :)
Signing off with lyrics from Lift Up Your Head by Meredith Andrews. The song has been rolling around in my head this morning. Clinging to all who God is for us - lover, redeemer, father, friend, shelter, healer...

lift up you head
lift up your eyes

let us soar as the one draw near
to the one who meets us here
let us all fall down
before the god who rescues us in

lift up your head and throw off every chain
lift up your eyes to the one who doesnt change
lift up your hands, their broken he will mend
lift up your head

let us all fix our gaze on the offer of our faith
from what else we turn away
for the joy, that conquers shame

lift up your head and throw off every chain
lift up your eyes to the one who doesnt change
lift up your hands, their broken he will mend
lift up your head

he is lover
he is redeemer
he is father
he is friend
he is our shelter
he is our healer
he is the lifter of our heads

he is lover
he is redeemer
he is father
he is friend
he is our shelter
he is our healer
he is the lifter of our heads

lift up your head
lift up your eyes.

lift up your head and throw off every chain
lift up your eyes to the one who doesnt change
lift up your hands, their broken he will mend
so lift up your head