Sunday, January 11, 2009

cake?!

I had a friend follow up with me and ask about how my appointment went. She's a friend within a ladies Bible study class I'm in on Wednesdays. I had shared with them about my appointment that was coming up. So, I filled her in and then she asked me the most peculiar question. Or at least it came off that way to me. You can tell me what you think... she asked me what I was going to do on May 24th, the one year anniversary of his birth/death. She went on to ask if I was going to make a birthday cake and have a family gathering/party sort of time. Not to celebrate his death, but just to remember him, she said. Now I can see where the root of her question was coming from and she's so sweet, I know she meant to disrespect or harm. But, I would have never thought about going that far. And, maybe that's just me. Looking ahead, it'll be Memorial Day weekend again, so I think we'd still go ahead and host the annual picnic at our house for the rest of the church staff families on that Saturday. But, the 24th itself will be a Sunday so we'll have church in the morning and evening. The day will most likely pass relatively quickly because it's busy and they always do, but ... um ... no, I don't think I'll be making a birthday cake. I think I'll be walking down the nursery hall on the way out, blinking back tears. Nevertheless, I think I'll also be asking to hold Molly, my friend's daughter born 12 days before Nathan, knowing that it'll be painful but necessary. I see myself wearing a little blue ribbon or a blue outfit to symbolize my son. I'll be looking out at Nathan's Smoke Tree, which will be in full bloom that month, wondering what he'd look like crawling or maybe even toddling around the back yard. I pray I'll be praising God for new life within me at that point, knowing with a sweet sorrow that it's new little life wouldn't have happened if not for his/her big brother's death. But, cake? Nah, no cake.

1 comment:

Lindsay said...

I think I agree with you – I can’t really imagine baking a cake and having a birthday party on Noah’s birthday. I still have eight months to go, but I’ve thought about what we will do on that day, and I’d like to be quiet, simple and reflective. We live near the ocean, so I walked on the beach nearly every day of my pregnancy and imagined Noah being able to hear the waves from my womb. On the anniversary, I’d like to watch the sun rise over the ocean with my husband while we take some time to reflect on the blessing Noah was, is and always will be in our lives. I guess the bottom line is that mothers who have lost babies like we have should figure out what is best for them and not try to do something because it fits with our culture or the expectations of others.