Thursday, January 22, 2009

another step

I almost hesitate to type out this post, but because I am trying to continue to be transparent with y'all, I will continue. But, no judgments, please. I am not quite sure why I'm in this position, but I am.
I've felt compelled to pull down my pictures of Nathan.
I had one in a "family" collage frame. I moved the frame, which is probably what prompted the thought. I wanted to refresh the entire photo collection. The other was on my bedroom mirror. I can't explain it. I think I've turned the page. Does that sound heartless? God has allowed me to record Nathan in my heart and he will forever be a part of me, a part of my (family's) history, but he's not a part of my future. Man, I am so unable to explain in words. Part of me feels so completely horrible to be ready to do this. The other, okay with it all. I know that others in my position may never come to this point. Others may want their (deceased) infant to remain a part of a visual display. And that is so totally, completely okay. Just as I ask you not to judge me, I could never, ever judge another's feelings in this area. I think that if Nathan had been born alive, I might feel differently. If I had pictures of him while he was alive, I might want to remember him differently. I'm not sure. All I know is that while he's not out of my heart, I just don't feel the desire to have his photographs displayed right now. (The one exception is a photo of his baby feet, which is in my hall bath right now, as a part of a collection of black and white beach photos. That one's staying right now).
I'm anxiously looking ahead to my future. I want to focus on life right now. Each day of it.

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