Wednesday, October 1, 2008

being real, journal entries

I feel such a feeling of un-worthiness, of being so humbled b/c of your love. God, I am nothing in the wake of Your glory. Lord, my heart feels so hungry for you. I desire to be so much closer to you. I desire to see you, to know you more. Everything on earth seems so trivial, so beyond-the-point. Without you, what is anything? I don't even feel I have the words to fully express this feeling. I have not been here in too long of a time. I am overwhelmed to tears.
I feel the flood of emotion. How come you haven't give up on us when we've been so careless with Your love and forgiveness? How do I balance this closeness with you with what goes on day to day in my life? How do I grasp this feeling and keep it close? God, about my son, will you please hold him close tonight? I miss him, who he would have grown up to be. The wife he would've married. Lord, the family you might have given him. The works You would have done in his life. Lord, help me - use me - use my family - use Nathan's death - for new life, life in You.

Today I am bogged down in the fight w/ my husband from last night (even though we've reconciled this morning). I'm hurting for a stranger in ChickFilA whom I just overheard her stories of premature twins (2 sets), losing 1 of them (each time) a few days after birth. She was eating with her (one) 2yr old son, while the one remaining twin from the second twin-birth was still in the hospital, set to come home next week. God, I'm crying out for you. Make sense of this world. So much suffering. So much sin.

I'm debating whether I should go back and add in journal entries from when I lost Nathan. This blog was started a year + ago, when I didn't post much at all. Now, I'm on here quite often, but feel like the bridge from where I was to where I am now is missing. Those that tune in from the babyloss directory will be looking for entries to explain my loss. (At least that's what I did when I looked for others on the directory). I'd like to use this blog to help others... if that means to show them I'm human, with emotions, fears, disappointments, and joys and how I rely on my Savior for help through all that... or I might as well just close up now and stop. Thoughts? Lurkers but no commenters... don't know what a girl is supposed to think! ;-)

1 comment:

HDMac said...

Ok.. you have me in tears... Your entries are so real and how so many of us feel... unworthy of an Awesome and Faithful God when we are so flippant and unfaithful at times in our walk...

Oh, honey, I feel your ache.... my heart still aches 30 1/2 years after losing my dear son. I remember being in the shower one morning after he had gone to be with God... crying out.. why my son, Lord??????????????... a quiet voice spoke to me and said, "My Son died for you.......... "

I wonder still... I see a man about my son's age and think that could be Matthew... He could have been married and had how many children? ... And I remember God's voice in my heart.... knowing that He knows best... and that someone somewhere is being helped by my loss and His love and care.... yes, after all this time, I still shed tears for my son... but not hopeless tears.. not angry but sincere, loving, trusting tears, knowing that God has a purpose and that He and He alone knows the beginning and the end.

Bless you, sweetie... Here is a big cyber hug JUST for you.... I know God loves and cares and works thru you. You are so brave to share your heart....God will bless that genuineness!