Monday, September 8, 2008

heartbreaking equation leads to complete faith & trust

This past week for me looked something like this:
3 friends announcing new pregnancies + 1 friend's recent miscarriage + 1 friend's new baby's birth + 1 friend's induction set for Wed = a hard reality.
I've got this weird, twisted yearning... for Nathan but also for a new baby. I don't know which one is bothered more by all these recent baby events. I just know that part of me is so excited for the new babies, part of me thinks about the fact that if Nathan had lived, I'd have my own almost-4 month old, and another part of me is totally jealous b/c I want to be pregnant again myself. Crazy, I know. I don't even understand it myself.
I was reading Lots of Scotts this morning and JMom said,
"It requires a big faith to trust God to do as He pleases, not just as we please. It is scary to think of what may be required of my life for His Glory. Yet, the alternative...trusting myself in all of my fallability rather than Him in all His Majesty... is just not an option."
Wow. That hit me. Honestly, I really have been trusting God through this. My head knows that I have to. I mean, there's been no other choice for me. From the first moment I found out Nathan was no longer alive inside me, I gave it up to God and pleaded for His guidance, peace, and care through what was to come. I am confident in His best for me, whatever that may be. It's just that some days, that confidence doesn't travel down to my heart. How couldn't His best include Nathan here with me, or if not that, then another pregnancy, another baby to bring into our family? I know. Plenty of time. Why rush, right? Ultimately, I want Him to write my story, so if that means babyless chapters, then I'll be ok.
Father, there's no way that I want to trust in my fallable self. You control the outcomes. Help me to glorify your Majesty by trusting in You. And help me to uninhibitedly celebrate with all the new lives you've created. You are truly amazing! Amen.


JMom said...

I loved reading how God used Psalm 115 to speak to you too...this is a big pill to swallow. Praying for you from a heart that does not know your loss first hand, but definitely knows what empty aching arms feel like.

HDMac said...

May I just say that I feel your pain.... Honey, on March 20, 1976, I gave birth to my full term still born son, Matthew Michael. The first face he saw was Jesus.....I have 5 living children and now 15 grandchildren.... there is still a hole in my heart but I know that God has His purpose....

Giving you hugs thru the tears and praying for God to continue to work His love in your heart.