Thursday, August 21, 2008

research I shouldn't be reading

I clicked around the web yesterday regarding stillbirths and found an article that informed me, rather, filled me with fear, of the risk of having another stillborn or miscarried child since I've now had a stillbirth (& an early miscarriage, actually, before that). Somewhere out there (sorry I do not have a link and I can't find the article again!) is research saying less than 25% of babies conceived after a stillbirth actually are born alive. WHAT? Now I hate it when statistics are just thrown out there without the facts, so I probably shouldn't even be posting this, but it startled me and I admit, I had to start praying right then after I ready this. BUT, in contrast, according to doctors (specifically mine who told me this at my follow-up) the chances of a second stillbirth is very slim. Well, really? Who's right?
The more I read the more I thought about my next pregnancy (which I thought I was ready for). Stories from those who were pregnant after a loss told of fear during the next pregnancy: a desire to bond with the developing child, but a fear of doing so in case of another loss. After all, if a baby went almost full term, then was lost, what's to say that it can't happen again. Yikes!
I must say this leaves me feeling a bit apprehensive. Should I be trying to get pregnant again so soon? I know that I most likely will be fearful during the next pregnancy. The next baby will be so covered in prayer because I'm going to have to lift it up each time I start to worry so that I do not get bogged down in the "what ifs." Another thing I wonder is probably pretty silly, but I think about these things... I want to know all I can about the next child. I want to know if it is a boy or girl (we did not find out with Lynn or with Nathan). I want to see many, many ultrasound pics showing my little one moving around healthy. But, is it harder? Would I bond more/deeper knowing what sex it is and calling it by it's name prior to it's birth? I walked around (in private, as we didn't tell others our name selections) calling Nathan a combination of the girl and boy names we had picked, but would it have been harder if he was already my little Nathan from the start? If I had gone shopping for all things blue, celebrating the first son in our family? As it was, I had to return diapers and bath washes after we lost him (which is another story in itself what I had to go through at Walmart to return them all... for another day).
It's just hard... period. I guess that's the point. I'll want to know all about the next one, so I'll take the risk of losing him/her and find out. I'll call him/her by its name. I probably just won't go shopping until he/she is born.

1 comment:

Lisa writes... said...

I have a boy named Nathan which makes your loss all the more personal. I pray that the Lord will give you strength and peace as you trust His plan for future children.