Wednesday, June 18, 2008

June 18, 2008

I still smile when I reach for this journal and see the boat on the cover. I insisted on the need for a non-flower/non-girly journal. Somehow I knew I was having a boy :-) Not a day goes by that my thoughts don't eventually make it back to little Nathan. They just flit over this and that, focusing on life in the moment, but inevitably wondering what I'd be doing or how my day would be different were he still living. My due date would be this friday. I can't imagine still being pregnant. It feels like forever ago that we went through that horrifying day of saying hello and goodbye to our son. Mom's here now, keeping her original flight out here that she had booked earlier in my pregnancy to help watch Lynn during my delivery. The week that I've spent the last nine months waiting for is here - what a change in plans. God, I ask that you hold me in Your arms. I completely trust Your ways. I feel like I am always praying for contentment, but I ask for that now - help me to savor each day of life, each day you give me.
A few days ago I was looking on the internet for doctors that specialize in high risk pregnancies, for the next time. I got up to go in the other room for something and I felt You saying "My time, not yours." I went back to the computer and shut all the browser windows. Father, help me to wait on You, to let my heart heal, to be reliant on You. I am not ready to be pregnant again, yet I long for a baby. Help me to grieve Nathan and wait on You. You say that those who wait upon the Lord will be lifted like on eagle's wings. I want you to carry me, You to guide me, and You to ready my heart and body for when the time is right to try again.
I try to look on the "positives" of not having a baby right now but then feel bad when I do because I wanted and was ready and looking forward to Nathan's arrival. These hormones, emotions, and the way I over-think so many things is just so complicated :-)
God, guide and direct my paths. Help my eyes to see You in every moment. Amen.

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