Wednesday, May 28, 2008

May 28, 2008

Hormones. Emotions. Grief. Wanting life to go on. Wanting to never forget. Feeling as if the last nine months were for nothing. Feeling the last nine months were a gift of feeling life for a short moment in time. Confusion...
My milk's come in and I'm so uncomfortable. Oh how it doesn't seem fair. My body is ready to nurse my newborn. Where is he? Just help the milk to dry up, Lord. Keep my son safe with You. I miss what would have been. Mom's helping me pack away what little I had out in the nursery. Mainly the shower presents. Somehow I'll have to take back all these diapers. I just can't leave it all out. My heart will heal easier with this stuff put away. Maybe for the next one, one day.
I have more babies in heaven than in my home. That hit me today and hurt.
Be with my husband and daughter, Lord, they miss Nathan too. Lynn's so black and white about things. She took the news, processed it, and doesn't have too many questions. Heaven's more of a real place to her now, though, and we were able to share the gospel again under a very real context. She asked about the next baby... such sweet innocence... she wanted to know if our next baby in my belly would be dead. Oh man, that was such a heart-hurting moment. Be with her, as I know thoughts are tumbling in her head. She's like me and doesn't like to talk about feelings & stuff. Her teachers said she came to them for more hugs since being back after this weekend. Thanks for loving, Christian pre-k teachers for her, God. Thanks for our church family who has sent more cards than I can count, come to see us even though they don't know what to say (at the hospital and at home), & brought so much food that I don't have to think about meals for weeks. Thanks for our real family, who drove all the way here as soon as we said, "help." I know they are hurting and confused as well. Be glorified in this, God, somehow... use me through this confusion and hurt.

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