Thursday, October 16, 2008


Ever just want to run? I was driving home from work this morning behind a motorcycle and thought, you know, if that were me, I think I'd just keep on driving. The wind, the sun, the pseudo feeling of freedom. I'd be able to run... run from the tears that spill out at random times more & more these days, run from the numbness that threatens to take me over, run from sarcasm that ruins relationships, from sad news of another friend's possible miscarriage, from the hard work & responsibility of raising a child God's way, from the list of fifteen phone calls to make when I don't want to talk to anyone right now, from a bank account that pretty much stays at zero, from painful periods that remind me of my empty womb, from the role of youth pastor's wife...
My version of motorcycle freedom was cranking up the radio, where God spoke to me through song...
Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
(from Barlow Girl's "I Believe in Love")

Thanks, Father God, for writing my days, even when I just feel numbness, pain, & silence. It's on those days that I know you're holding me up and giving me strength so that I don't run.
Psalm 119:28

1 comment:

HDMac said...

((((((((( Sweetie))))))) Does it help you to know, honey that you are not alone. ......... I don't know all that is going on in your life today, but I want you to know that you are in my prayers..... I can envision the guy on the "cyclemotor" as I am the passenger on ours.. and believe me it can be therapy.. the wind in the face..etc.... It is good to write out your feelings and as you talk to God, I encourage you to be genuine in your thoughts and feelings.. we can't hide them from Him anyway... He knows our inner most thoughts..... Remember how David was persecuted and agonized and struggled? God loves you so much..... I am sending you hugs, and encouragement and Christian love.... but most of all prayers... God cares.... and so do I!

You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.Isaiah 26: 3-4 (ESV)