Monday, August 4, 2008

speak my words for me...

Ever notice how sometimes you just can't put your thoughts into words, but a song can pinpoint where you are? I'm listening to a mix I created using Project Playlist, and it's on David Crowder Band's "All I Can Say." Here are the lyrics:

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Romans 8:26 says that the Spirit intercedes for us with groans when we do not know/have the words to pray. Following the news that we lost our son at 36 weeks pregnant, I had no words. At first, when the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat, she left the room saying, "Don't worry, now. I'm going to page the doctor and have him do an ultrasound." Don't worry, ha. Two days ago at my doctor's appt. there was a heartbeat beating in that same exact location. My first words when she left the room and I was alone, were "Lord, if you are asking me to do this, I can't. I need You!" I knew that I had lost my baby and no ultrasound would show otherwise. From that moment, God's presence was so real and almost tangible to me. He guided me through the following twelve hours as we prepped for labor and delivery and then delivered Nathan. He also held me up as I met and said goodbye to my son. The Holy Spirit was groaning on my behalf. I didn't even know how to pray during those hours - I couldn't pray for a healthy baby, he was already gone. I was speechless and almost felt as David Crowder Band sings, "the dark is creeping in to swallow me." But I did not get "swallowed up." That tangible presence I mentioned earlier... I really and truly felt God's hand holding me up and leading me through that time of darkness. He didn't let me rest in that spot of darkness. It was Him "holding me and cry'n too." That is my praise.
Some days the Spirit still must intercede for me. The days when my arms ache for my baby and I look at the photos of him and wonder how he might have grown and what he might have looked like as a toddler, teen, adult. On those days I don't have words. But God hears the cry of my heart and the groaning of the Holy Spirit that's inside me as a Christian. That is my praise.

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