Tuesday, July 29, 2008

case of the "blahs"

Proverbs 14:10 says,
"The heart knows its own bitterness, And a stranger does not share its joy. "

I'm not sure what's been going on these past two days, but I have just really felt "blah." Yesterday I felt a maddening need to clean the house and put everything away (but that's typical on my day back from being away). Poor Lynn was the brunt of most of my emotion, as I was losing my patience faster than normal. Having been at the grandparents for almost two weeks, she was used to the constant attention and fun, which was not happening at home yesterday. Today we went to the movies with a friend, so this morning was a little more exciting for her.

I searched "contentment" at bible gateway and found the above verse. Matthew Henry explains the verse below:

"Every man feels most from his own burden, especially that which is a burden upon the spirits, for that is commonly concealed and the sufferer keeps it to himself. We must not censure the griefs of others, for we know not what they feel; their stroke perhaps is heavier than their groaning."

I can agree with that. Hubby wanted to know what was wrong last night and I had no explanation other than trying to describe the emotions I was feeling: dissatisfied, discontent, and maybe a little sad. I couldn't pinpoint the "why" though, which of course dh wanted :-) But, even if he understood, he wouldn't be able to feel my emotion to the depth that I do.
After losing Nathan, everyone has been saying "Do what you feel." "Listen to your feelings." "How do you feel?" I appreciate the sweetness behind that but sometimes I don't even know how to "diagnose" my own feelings. How strange is that? And then sometimes I feel like the more I try and listen to my feelings, the more I am pulled off God's track. I don't think God wants me wallowing in my feelings, but instead focusing on Him and His future for me. Where's the balance? Grieving vs. wallowing? Focusing on feeling vs. focusing on reality? I am more of a follow-by-reason than a follow-by-emotion kind of gal. I guess that's why this case of the blahs has me feeling, well, confused. This summer has been so go-go, after losing Nathan, that all my energy has been focused on the day to day and I haven't really stopped. Until now.

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