rambles and reflections

The date won't be as significant as the day. Losing Nathan on Memorial Day weekend will mean each year's reflection will begin Thursday before Memorial Day and end in sorrow on that Saturday. Today.

So many different thoughts and emotions are in my head today. This morning we had to deal with my daughter's "orange card" disobedience issues from school yesterday. I am just so drained with it all. Some days I think I'd rather just have my Lynn turn back into an infant and start over again with her. At what point are we not responsible for her actions? I mean, she makes her own decisions, but to a point it always reflects back on us as her parents. I just get so discouraged. She is soooo strong willed and head strong and argumentative (& has a bunch of positive traits as well; I have not lost sight of those :) that sometimes I just want to send her to her room and run out of the house screaming. Wouldn't that be a sight for the neighbors? :)

We have so many friends that have already poured out love on us, remembering our Nathan this week. I tear up with emotion on how much that means to me. He is not forgotten. A neighbor/church member brought down two beautiful perennials - a type of lily. They're beautiful and will find a home in our yard this weekend. A close friend, the one who had her baby the week before we lost Nathan took me out to lunch yesterday and gave me a Willow Tree figurine. An angel holding a little boy by the hands, as if he's learning to walk. Exactly what my Nathan would be doing now. Wow, I couldn't hold it in with that one. Too precious, so precious. We have also received cards and, of course, facebook comments of thoughts and prayers for us.

I went to Motherhood Maternity yesterday, with the goal of finding a bathing suit for our beach trip in a few weeks, and perused the store for other "good finds." Not sure if it was quite a "good find" but I bought a blue shirt that I'll wear to church tomorrow, to remember my son. I wanted one of those side cinch maternity shirts with Nathan but never bought one, so I bought one yesterday and will wear it tomorrow. It shows my belly as it hugs my bump. Having this little one inside eases my pain a bit. She/he will never replace who Nathan would have been, but the hope she represents for our future and moving on is a sweet gift. Another sweet gift... feeling her move last night. I actually felt baby for the first time last Friday when I was at a conference all day, but laying in bed last night I actually felt her/him move more. Little flutters, the gentlest of movements, but baby is there. Bringing tears to my eyes, as I remembered laying in bed a year ago last night having not felt baby Nathan move that day, the contrast was a sharp one.

Tomorrow is the actual date, the 24th. Hubby wants to make a nice dinner (or after-church meal) tomorrow and not celebrate the loss, but the life, of Nathan. I think we'll go ahead and do that, but I think the sentimental side of me wants to also get balloons and "send them to heaven." I will give Lynn the time today to draw a picture or write a message to Nathan, as will I, and then we'll tie them to our balloons tomorrow and release them. In a way I feel kind of helpless as to what to do. His memory is in my heart and I know that's where he'll have to stay until we're reunited again one day in heaven. Ah, I miss you little guy, we miss you.