Wordless Wednesday - zzzzzz

"Zonked" after attending a (Volvo) car meet all morning. :)

For more WW, check out 5M4M.

Sunday

What a weekend. What a great God we have. Remembering all the "lasts" and spending many reflective, sad moments last week... led us to Nathan's actual birthday, Sunday, when we were able to truly relax and love on each other as a family.
Sunday ended up really just being a "celebration" of his short life inside me and praise for God's greatness this past year for our family. My husband, unbelievably, surprisingly, sweetly, had a present waiting on the table for me in the morning. A present of the jewelry variety :)
As I sleepily walked out in my robe to find something to quench my immediate morning hunger, I found a small, wrapped present in my spot at the table. He bought me an anniversary band, despite it not being our anniversary (I love surprise presents ~ can we see my love language is 'gifts' ~ and the fact that it wasn't "cliche" was even sweeter and more delightful). The band was given as a celebration of what God has done in our 8 1/2 years of marriage - drawing us closer together through our tragedies, most significant being our son's loss last year. He said lots of other mushy things as well :)
Being Sunday, we went to church. And, being Graduation Recognition Sunday, we weren't able to spend it together in worship. However, we set up for the high school graduates lunch (& then attended it). It was a late afternoon, which was tiring, but by 3p we were home and in sweats :) We watched a movie together as a family, had a low-key late dinner, and just relaxed. It was rainy outside, so we weren't able to do anything outdoors together, but everything worked out well. We talked to family, looked over cards that friends had given us and spent some time dreaming about our future baby and how Nathan still fits into our family. Lynn told me that she's excited that she'll be a big sister for the "second time" and that I'll be a mommy of three. Nathan is still very much present in mind for her and that warms my heart so much.
I'll close this post with a picture from Nathan's tree that we planted last fall. The leaves have taken on a pinkish tint around the edges. Beautiful!

Tackle It Tuesday - kid's room!

To do: go through all of Lynn's "stuff" (while she's at school - this is not the time for her help. There are days that we go through and she helps pick out things that we can give away to children that don't have toys. This is not one of those days).













To do, part 2: make space to move her art desk from the art room (future baby room) into her room.












Ta-da! One trash bag and 2 boxes packed away for the next kiddo. Her desk is now in the far corner of the picture with a few more things rearranged (& put away) to accommodate the change.

Find more Tackles at 5M4M.

rambles and reflections

The date won't be as significant as the day. Losing Nathan on Memorial Day weekend will mean each year's reflection will begin Thursday before Memorial Day and end in sorrow on that Saturday. Today.

So many different thoughts and emotions are in my head today. This morning we had to deal with my daughter's "orange card" disobedience issues from school yesterday. I am just so drained with it all. Some days I think I'd rather just have my Lynn turn back into an infant and start over again with her. At what point are we not responsible for her actions? I mean, she makes her own decisions, but to a point it always reflects back on us as her parents. I just get so discouraged. She is soooo strong willed and head strong and argumentative (& has a bunch of positive traits as well; I have not lost sight of those :) that sometimes I just want to send her to her room and run out of the house screaming. Wouldn't that be a sight for the neighbors? :)

We have so many friends that have already poured out love on us, remembering our Nathan this week. I tear up with emotion on how much that means to me. He is not forgotten. A neighbor/church member brought down two beautiful perennials - a type of lily. They're beautiful and will find a home in our yard this weekend. A close friend, the one who had her baby the week before we lost Nathan took me out to lunch yesterday and gave me a Willow Tree figurine. An angel holding a little boy by the hands, as if he's learning to walk. Exactly what my Nathan would be doing now. Wow, I couldn't hold it in with that one. Too precious, so precious. We have also received cards and, of course, facebook comments of thoughts and prayers for us.

I went to Motherhood Maternity yesterday, with the goal of finding a bathing suit for our beach trip in a few weeks, and perused the store for other "good finds." Not sure if it was quite a "good find" but I bought a blue shirt that I'll wear to church tomorrow, to remember my son. I wanted one of those side cinch maternity shirts with Nathan but never bought one, so I bought one yesterday and will wear it tomorrow. It shows my belly as it hugs my bump. Having this little one inside eases my pain a bit. She/he will never replace who Nathan would have been, but the hope she represents for our future and moving on is a sweet gift. Another sweet gift... feeling her move last night. I actually felt baby for the first time last Friday when I was at a conference all day, but laying in bed last night I actually felt her/him move more. Little flutters, the gentlest of movements, but baby is there. Bringing tears to my eyes, as I remembered laying in bed a year ago last night having not felt baby Nathan move that day, the contrast was a sharp one.

Tomorrow is the actual date, the 24th. Hubby wants to make a nice dinner (or after-church meal) tomorrow and not celebrate the loss, but the life, of Nathan. I think we'll go ahead and do that, but I think the sentimental side of me wants to also get balloons and "send them to heaven." I will give Lynn the time today to draw a picture or write a message to Nathan, as will I, and then we'll tie them to our balloons tomorrow and release them. In a way I feel kind of helpless as to what to do. His memory is in my heart and I know that's where he'll have to stay until we're reunited again one day in heaven. Ah, I miss you little guy, we miss you.

keep or consign?

Opinions, please...
As I was overhauling my daughter's room yesterday (see pix in next Tuesday's "Tackle It" post), I packed up a few boxes of toys that she'd outgrown. Now here's the question... Do you think Dora and Diego will still be around in 3-4 yrs. when this next little one is old enough to watch and play with the Dora toys my Lynn has.... or, do I consign them this fall while D/D are still "hot" to get a few bucks for them? (To add... I am in no dire need of toys to have for the next one. Lynn has way too many anyways to pass down and I sure this next one will get new ones of his/her own).
Hmmm... so, what do I do? You think Dora will still be around?

life

On this one year anniversary of sorts of the last day my son was alive within me last year, I want to just praise God for the amazing ability He has given the female body to house and grow new life within it. I am daily incredulous of the way my body can hold another human being within me, with only minor adjustments to my physical body. What an incredible honor as a woman... to know that our body was designed to carry a child inside. I am aware that some women are not physically able to bear a child and for that my soul aches for you. Please know that this post is not meant to "rub it in" or hurt you further today. Please accept my sincere apologies for those that are unable to have children. The Lord has given you a future of hope as well, and I pray that His will would be made known to you, on what must be a heartbreaking, confusing subject.

Nathan's last day of life was the Thursday before Memorial Day (date-wise, it was actually the 22nd), but as I go through routine today and remember that we had a doctor's appointment that Thursday and I think how oblivious I was of what would transpire the next two days, I just want to bask in the Lord's goodness for the life that was within me that day. For His gift of my son.

Psalm 139:

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Wordless Wednesday - bump

Goodbye 1st trimester, hello 2nd!

My "bump" feels so much bigger than it looks. Too funny. :)


For more WW, check out 5M4M.

reThink

I started last weekend on Friday attending the reThink conference in Raleigh, NC. Wonderful, challenging thoughts regarding the church's secondary role to disciple our children and our primary responsibility as parents. Not only as a youth pastor's wife, but most importantly as a mom, I was challenged to "rethink" the way typical churches handle ministry. Do we arrive at church and drop off our child to get his/her only spiritual training, expecting the church to teach our child all he/she needs to know about following God in 3 short hrs/week? Or, do we view his/her spiritual training as our responsibilty in the same way it's our responsibility to teach her how to tie her shoes and cook dinner? It's intimadating and leaves me almost fearful in a way. But, it's the truth. Children are a huge responsibility - one that we undertake the moment we have them. Some days (ok, most days) that's incredibly humbling. In our family, no one can be blamed for Lynn's lack of spiritual direction except for her father and I. We choose to take her to church and have her in a Christian school so that the training is reinforced, but it is still our responsibilty to make sure her foundation is built on the Truth. From the church's perspective, this means that we need to equip parents to instill Godly truths in their children. We need to partner, encourage, and train them, not take their child away and babysit them for an hour. That's my thoughts, anyways. If you're inclined to read further, see S. Wright's book: reThink - is Student Ministry Working?
Feel free to share your thoughts here as well. Do you expect the church to teach your child all the spiritual "stuff" he/she should know? Or just reinforce what you're teaching? Do you feel prepared or intimidated by the idea?

request

Update: baby girl is fine. E had a 3d ultrasound and any abnormalities were ruled out. Thank you for prayer!

I have a hurting heart this morning.
If you would keep a dear friend in prayer for me today... at her 20 week "gender" ultrasound yesterday she just found out that she lost one of her two babies she was carrying. I'm not sure of many details like how long ago he/she died or whether it was a boy or girl, but I do understand the grief she must be feeling. To dream of twins, to start rearranging your life for the big change, then to lose one halfway there with no warning. On top of that devastating news, her remaining child (a girl) has a "marker" for down syndrome. Again, not sure of the details, but her hubby either said an enlarged ventricle in the heart or something enlarged in the brain that leads them to believe she might have downs. I imagine this must be hard as well. To find out your remaining child might possibly have this condition. While down syndrome children bring such a special addition to a family (I have a friend with a ds child), it is a strain on the family, especially when you're still pregnant, have no idea what this means and don't know how to plan or what to think. With my Lynn, we had a false positive for down syndrome during a blood test during my pregnancy. It was a stressful 24 hrs. before the ultrasound ruled it out. I didn't know what to think. I was very scared and confused.
This family has a three year old little boy already. I know they had put their house on the market and, if I know E, she had already bought some adorable "twin" things. This is, like all losses are, a hit.
If you would also pray that the Lord would give me the words to say (or not say) when we talk. I'm planning on calling her this afternoon to extend my sympathies and to give her an ear. (They live about 4 hrs away).
Thank you.

Tackle It Tuesday - baseboards

One check mark off the spring cleaning list...
Ok, I know that pregnancy makes you "dumber" but I honestly have no excuse not to have figured this out earlier than 12 wks ago...
VACUUMS HAVE ATTACHMENTS....
THAT WORK REALLY WELL FOR SMALL SPACES! (i.e. baseboards!)
I have on my spring cleaning list to take a wet sponge to my baseboards b/c well, the vacuum doesn't get close enough to get down in the crack where the carpet meets the baseboard. Plus the baseboard has accumulated a layer of dust on it.
Well, DUH. I just had an "ah-ha" moment and attached the long, thin attachment to my vacuum and it's perfect! Baseboards throughout the entire house are now dust free! (finally!)

(This is a half-done, half-not done photo - but now they're all dust free).

p.s. My vacuum has some amazing sucking power. If you haven't already, check out what I've previously vacuumed up (without any attachments) :)

warm baby legs

Another product I forgot to mention in last week's post ~ Baby Legs! I originally heard about these through MckMama's blog, but have found them for sale at Mom4Life. Aren't they cute? Wow, I'm going to like having a winter baby! :) Even if I don't try these out til he/she's a year old the following year, can't you just picture cute little chubby baby legs learning to walk in these things? Too cute! Here's a link to the product.

p.s. Check out the "Mother Load" giveaway here.

qualified

To every woman that's ever carried a baby in her womb for any length of time, I say to you "Happy Mother's Day." In case no one has ever told you, you count. Your child made you a mother. Don't ever let anyone make you think that just because your child is not still alive today that you are less of a qualified mother. My heart breaks for you and I cry with you.

I shed several tears today. I had no idea that Nathan's loss would hit me so hard today. In church, they asked who the newest mom in the service was, who had had a baby this past year. None of the other new moms were around but I didn't feel bold enough to stand. I didn't know if I "qualified." The pastor joked that all the new moms were at home with their infants trying to get extra sleep during this early service. After he said that then I really didn't feel like I should stand. So silent tears coursed down my cheeks and the present went to a mom with an 18 mo. old. The next question was who had the most children and he asked all those with at least two kids to stand to start it off. Ugh. I was again so torn and so hurt. I did not stand, but stayed in my seat. Add in these pregnancy hormones coursing through my body and I cried pretty much the entire service. A few friends noticed my struggling during service and came up to give hugs afterwards. They apologized that they didn't even think or realize my struggle but loved on me and assured me that Nathan's short life counted.
Now I just feel numb and empty. And tired.
My hubby made me a wonderful filet minon for lunch. He pulled out the china :) And the best part is, he cleaned up afterwards! I'm not sure what's up for the rest of the afternoon. The weather is beautiful. No church tonight, so the sky's the limit :) We'll see. Time for hubby and I to call our mommas and tell them how we appreciate their giving life to us.

clean up and wait

Feeling a little defeated today & more emotional this afternoon than I have been so far.
Let me back up... today I spent the morning cleaning out the art room (future baby room), more specifically my scrapbook desk/space. I have enjoyed scrapbooking, but I am not making the time to work on it. My completed (& work-in-progress) books just sit & collect dust. While I'll pull them out every now and then, I wonder if the time I've put in is really worth it. I do want to preserve my family's memories, so I don't want to go completely zero on the album idea, but something's gotta change. The next kid will be here this fall and scrap-wise, I'm still stuck back in Lynn's first year of life! My problem is that I want to scrap too many photos (i.e. I take too many pics!) My friend keeps up with her three kiddos by doing a 2-page spread for each month (per kid), but I can't pare it down that simple. I've debated just doing a slideshow of the "good pics" per year and starting to switch everything to dvd. But, that seems so cold, so I think what I'll do is still get the photos printed and put them in traditional albums. But, I'll use a pocket or two amongst the photos to journal a bit about the photo subjects and events. I don't know. For now that sounds good, but I haven't investigated if they even still sell traditional albums!? :) I'd like some inserts to be able to add the photo pages in with my existing scrapbook album. I have scrapped some current pics so it'd be nice to just add the old & more recent in around them, even though it might be a bit odd switching methods.
So, anyways... I guess going through that was a bit sad to decide on the "finality" of giving up the hobby. I also pulled out my pregnancy books and found a few baby toys (which I played around with :) then stuck on a shelf in the room. I'm just so ready for this baby. I feel like I've done my pregnancy time already and it time to have a little one out in my home. This pregnancy is going to be so super long. I had almost nine months with Nathan, nine months between his loss and this one's creation, and now another nine months until I hopefully can welcome new little one to our family. That's a really long gestational time period :)
After going through my desk, I went through and cleaned out Lynn's art desk and supplies. We'll eventually move her desk into her room. That will require some major rehauling of her room. I am so ready to do that, though. In fact tonight she said, "Mom why don't we move this chair out of my room and to the attic?" So, maybe the Lord is working on her heart - usually she is not so willing to part with things. I went on to talk to her tonight about eventually moving the desk into her room and how we'd have to move some things around, etc. No arguments (which means I know that God is working on her little heart). :) Maybe we should move it tomorrow before that willingness changes. haha.
Anyways, I know I just need to have patience. Each day God is working on the development of this little one. I am still battling the first trimester fatigue and that doesn't help. Time will move. Eventually I will get to meet this one, on earth or in heaven. So, I just need to wait and keep lifting him/her up to its Maker. Which I will.

Ramsey's Town Hall for Hope

Missed Dave Ramsey's Town Hall for Hope broadcast a few weeks ago? You can listen to the broadcast here. It's a good one. My husband and I are on baby step 2, trying to pay off our debt. Credit cards are now at zero and we're moving on to other loans. Slow and steady runs the race (Dave reminds listeners of this again in the broadcast). :)
I also know that Dana and her fellow youth pastor husband have been following Dave's steps and have their own excitement to share regarding their journey.
I encourage you to take a Financial Peace University class or read Ramsey's book (Total Money Makeover) if you're looking for ways to get your money under control.

baby wearing?

I have been surfing around, ready to try some new products when this kiddo arrives. I've been looking at my blog friend, Heather's site: www.mom4life.com. I am very interested in trying a wrap to carry the baby in vs. a traditional carrier like Bjorn, etc. I don't want a sling, so after reading different internet research, I think I've narrowed it down to a product such as the Moby Wrap. I've tried a friend's (different brand, same style) and carried her 3 mo. old in it and I like the feel of it. I wasn't sure how the whole wrap idea would work, but it doesn't seem like it'd be difficult once you do it a few times. I considered this product when I was pregnant with Nathan, but was afraid it'd be too hot with a summer baby. Now, with this one due in November, I don't have that problem, at least not at first. I realize that any carrier will be warm, as it means extra layers and ultimately, the extra weight of the child. Anyone have any experience with this type product? I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts.

By the way, Mom4Life's running a "Mother Load" contest all the month of May. View details here.

Wordless Wednesday - elephant

We went to the zoo with Lynn's school on Monday.
These elephants struck me as the most odd of the animals we saw that day.
I've never seen them this clay color. They looked as fake as the rocks in their created habitat. :)

For more WW, see 5M4M.

Mother's Day giveaway

Ok, ladies, you know I can't resist a great (Coach) purse, especially when it's being given away through a contest! Check it out at 5 Minutes for Mom!

heavenly bodies

Preparing for the one year anniversary of my Nathan's death/birth coupled with my pastor's latest sermon on our future heavenly bodies has lead me to wonder how I will find Nathan when we reunite in heaven one day. I have let my mind wander over the magnificence of heaven and how we might (if we will) recognize one another. It makes me sad, and helpless in a way, to think that I don't even know how to imagine him. I spend time with my friend's child, born a week ahead of him, and see how she's progressed. It just makes the ache deeper as I realize just how much time really has passed. Her daughter has become such a little individual, learning to stand and babble. But, I don't know my son any other way than the infant he was. The 5lb 2.5oz little body that was in my arms for such a short, short time. Of the many in heaven, will he be present at my arrival? Who will place him in my arms? Will I be so drawn to the glory of God that I don't notice size, shape or age of those around me, just eventually aware of the presence of Nathan with me? Will I know who he is? I know we'll have heavenly bodies, but I have no idea how they age, if they age as compared to our age at death. Just one of the many questions about the mystery of heaven. :) I'm ok with not having all the answers. I'm ok with waiting.... waiting with faith and waiting in hope. But, in this melancholiness of a rainy morning, I'm also ok with posing these questions to my God and asking Him for the peace and patience to wait for the answers.

rebuilding

We watched Bridge to Terabithia last night on tv. I'd never seen it before but had read the book back in elementary or middle school. I don't want to giveaway the plot if you're not familiar with it, but well, I'm going to with what I next talk about...
The movie ends with Jess rebuilding Terabithia after losing Leslie. Rebuilding after a tragedy. It's not better, just different. And ok, in a different way. That's what hope (in God) does for us. Moves us past the moment, allowing us to heal but not to forget. Allowing us to rebuild after a tragedy tears down.
Not sure that it's what Katherine Patterson wanted me to walk away with from her novel, but this morning I'm rejoicing in the gift of hope and rebuilding after tragedy.