another list

Silent. I've been silent this past week on paper, but not in heart and action. So much has been going on. Here's a quick rundown...

Soaking... up the sun outside. It's been beautiful and Lynn's been out each afternoon running through the sprinkler or splashing in her kid pool. I've kicked back with a book. I think it's going to be cloudy today - no water play this afternoon unless it rains ;)

Feeling... bigger. Packed up my winter clothes and pulled down maternity boxes. I'm wearing maternity pants right now. Ahh... room to expand.

Emailing... a mom who has lost twin sons. She is local and once I'd heard her story, God has not taken her off of my heart.

Re-asking you... a thought posed by Perry Noble from a recent message I heard via itunes: "We confuse conversation with relationship." Do you know Jesus personally or have you just talked at Him once and think that's enough?

Shaking... my head over my kiddo's slow mornings. Today I gave her three outfits to choose from and she "didn't like the colors" of the pants I laid out. Oh watch out teenage days!

Wishing... (materialistically) that my living room was just a little bit bigger.

Looking forward... to my next dr's appt. (in 2 wks) to hear little one's heartbeat again. Oh how the time crawls :)

Wondering... how I'm going to pare down Lynn's things (toys) in her room, as we'll have to move her desk in from the art room once we start making it the baby's room.

Ready... to start moving things to make the art room the baby's room. I'm really determined to go ahead and let myself dream with this baby. It might hurt more in the end, but really by dreaming of it, I'm acknowledging its existence and celebrating its life each day I can.

Thankful... that my hubby takes my daughter to school in the mornings. It is such a gift to me!

Not ready... to get to work, but I must. Have a great rest of the week - it's almost friday!

Wordless Wednesday - tree bark

Love this perspective!
This is a snapshot up the trunk of a huge tree in the front yard of the house I grew up in. This tree used to scare me, as it was directly outside my bedroom window. Every time there was a bad thunderstorm, I'd pray that the tree would stand firm & tall! :)
The house is now for sale, so I captured a few unique photos of spots around the yard. The bark on the trunk fans out and is so full of texture.
(sorry, so much for "wordless" wednesday) :)

More WW here.

Wordless Wednesday - bubbles

Took a vacation to the mountains last month and had a bubble-maker on hand. My daughter had a blast popping bubbles, but there were a few she missed that made it up to the tree tops.

the great rubber band effect

Sitting here working today. (To explain - I work from home, going through delinquent mortgage files, sorting, tabbing, etc). It's a pretty mind numbing job, so usually I listen to sermons while I'm working. Earning money and being challenged by some great preachers - I am totally blessed to have this job! Anyways, today I had enough of the preaching and just turned on some tunes after awhile. Well, that means my mind wanders. And I just have to confess, since I'm trying to be transparent on this blog, that I battle crazy things in my head. Regarding the pregnancy these days. Part of the time I realize I'm essentially ignoring the idea of the child within me b/c if I don't think about it, maybe it'll just lie under the "tragedy radar" and things will go smooth and I'll have myself a perfectly, live healthy baby in Nov. Then I realize how ridiculous that is and I spend time lifting little one up in prayer. I am constantly dreaming of the nursery, getting ready for his/her arrival and then I caution myself to not move too fast. It's like this rubber band effect. Or a yo-yo. And if you've been there or are there, you know what I mean. Funny. (Ok, not really). Hopefully by throwing that out there I can comfort someone else who is in the same situation. You are not nuts. :) Or if you are, then I am as well.

facebook, always good for a...

...pick-me-up. I finally spilled the beans of the pregnancy on facebook yesterday and within minutes had all sorts of past & present friends shouting out their congratulations. How fun (so it's safe to mention the preg on twitter now as well). :)
I've figured out how to limit some of my "friends" from seeing all of my photos and feel a little better about my privacy settings on there. As you have probably noticed on here, I'm not big into posting pics of my family. While I do enjoy seeing other bloggers, their kiddos and the funny things they do on some of the blogs I read, I just don't feel comfortable enough doing that with my own family. So, I also have some hesitation about showing all the obscure people that I sort-of knew in high school updated photos from all parts of my life now. Pics of me, that's fine. But, the goofy ones of my kiddo that I want to share with recent friends, not so much. I do think it's interesting to see what people are doing now and it sure beats an awkward high school reunion, so I haven't abandoned the idea of befriending these folks, just limiting their views of my profile.
Any..ways... I digressed, but it was such a good lift-me-up yesterday to receive everyone's well wishes :) And I want to say thank you as well for your prayers and concern. My blogging friends - you might not have a clue how I look, but I appreciate your friendship and support! :)

1st checkup

Warning: whining to follow.
And, if you're like me reading baby loss blogs when the blogger is now pregnant again and the reader is not, you will think "She has no reason to whine. Doesn't she know how blessed she is?!" Let me answer with a cautious, loving note: Yes, I sure do know how blessed I am. You can not imagine the awe and wonder I still feel when I contemplate what God has now given us again. (New) life is never to be taken lightly or flippantly.

All that to say...
I just got back from my doc's appt. I'm a little disappointed... no more ultrasounds til the typical 20 wk scan (beg. of July!) Basically it sounds like all the special treatment will start when I get to 32 wks. I'll go in twice a week for fetal stress test/monitoring and get ultrasounds to check baby. Providing everything looks good, they'll let me go all the way til 39 wks. So... I know if everything is well, that is the best for baby, otherwise why would God have made our gestational period 40 wks, but I'm still disappointed as that's even longer to wait :) I was under the impression from the specialist I saw and other nurses, that I'd be induced closer to 36/37 wks. So looks like little Miss or Mr should have a bday around mid-Nov. He was like, we'll deliver you around 39 wks, get you home and recovered in time for Thanksgiving. Great... ;)

On a less whiney note, getting back into a better perspective here, everything felt fine (had the lovely first internal exam) and I heard baby's heartbeat again, hooray! So, I'm totally totally feeling blessed, but just a little quiet I guess. No royal treatment was given/felt, but then maybe I'm just selfishly desiring too much. When it comes down to it, I just want the best for my little kiddo and I need to get over the earthly reassurances that will show me that. Life is a walk in faith. The next seven months are no exception. It's prayer and the Father's hand that will continue growing this little one until it's time, no amount of ultrasounds will change that. :)

another tote? of course!

The clock counts down, but it's not too late. I wanted to squeeze in this post to earn another credit towards the contest going on at Musings of a Housewife for this great tote! So get over there and enter for yourself!

in control

"His Street, to Our Street, to Wall Street - HE REIGNS!"

-Perry Noble, NewSpring Church, "bailout series"

spanning the miles

Marcia over at HDMac's Crafty Blog posted about friendship earlier this week which got me to thinking about my best gal friend out in MO. (I abbreviated that b/c I don't know that I know how to spell Missouri - shew, there we go - thanks spell check). ;) Anyways, we had a blast together during our hubby's seminary years. We both had our first children while living across the apt. complex from each other. We went to Wally World together, baby shopping together, and would call and have spur of the moment family potluck dinners together. Man, I loved those days and didn't stop to treasure them as much as I should have then, as I do the memories of them today. It's been over a year since we last saw each other in person, as we live some 850 miles apart. She and her family trekked it east to visit last time, so it's about time I get out there and see another part of the country :) We've been planning a June get together, as she's due with #3 in a few weeks. I can get me some baby-love as well as some best friend-love all at once. I've been looking up flights. Southwest seems to be the easy way to go. Most of the times I've flown, it's been Southwest. I really really appreciate their early boarding for families with children. I've had nothing but great experiences with them. Looks like I'll have to switch flights in Chicago though. I've never layed over there. Not too long of a layover though. Just about an hour both times, so that'll work for me and Lynn. Both our hubbies will be gone part of the week we're looking to go, so we'll just have a big ole girl fest. Her and her 3 girlies and me and my one (or maybe two, girls?) Watch out chocolate! :) Friendship that spans miles is a true gift from the Lord. Missouri, here I come!

the lamb

"He was oppressed and He was afflicted,

Yet He opened not His mouth;
He was led as a lamb to the slaughter,
And as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
So He opened not His mouth." (Isaiah 53:7)

I was reading from Praying the Names of Jesus this morning at breakfast and I am on the chapter that names Jesus "The Lamb of God." Growing up in the Catholic church, I recall hearing that phrase often. Every week, I believe, during communion. I even remember when the priest showed my confirmation group around the altar area where there was a picture of a lamb in some of the ornamental carvings. Nowadays, where I am in a So. Baptist church, it's not said weekly, but I am continually reminded of the sacrifice Christ was as the ultimate, final lamb given for our sins.
In the Old Testament times, the Jewish people sacrificed a lamb twice a day - once in the morning and once at night, to atone for their sins (Numbers 28:1-8). The lamb was killed and partially burnt. The author of the book, Ann Spangler, goes on to further clarify that, "To the Jews the lamb represented innocence and gentleness. Because the sacrifice was meant to represent the purity of intention of the person or people who offered it, lambs had to be without physical blemishes" (p80).
John the Baptist pointed out this title for Jesus (see John 1:24-35). Jesus would be the ultimate sacrifice. The one time atonement for all of our sins, when we confess His lordship over our lives.

"The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29)

One of the questions that accompany this title in Spangler's book asks, "Imagine that you are walking into the temple holding a young lamb in your arms. He is like a favorite pet, but now he is going to be sacrificed for your sins. How do you feel? Now imagine doing the same thing over and over because no one sacrifice can possibly take away your sins. What thoughts go through your mind?"
How would you answer these questions?
I can't imagine sacrificing over and over again. I think after awhile it would feel futile. Like I could never do anything right if I had to keep sacrificing lambs. God would feel less personal and more out of reach.
Praise God, He did the unimaginable - He humbly came to earth to make the connection for us to Him. He is no longer impersonal. He not only created us and knows us, but made us to desire/need an intimate relationship with Him to be whole.

Wordless Wednesday - worn out

Ever feel like this leaf? Just how many more holes, how many more pulls, tears, and breaks can you take? Take heart, my friend:

"The Lord is near the brokenhearted;
He saves those crushed in spirit."
Psalms 34:18

reflections

Getting ready for church yesterday, I prayed my way through my shower and would up stuck on a somber thought. The only moments I will ever be truly sure my baby is alive is when I am listening to the heartbeat via the doppler or ultrasound during a doctor's appointment. I had an ultrasound last week, but with us starting to spread the news around church, there's no way to be sure the baby's even still alive. What if we're telling people too early? What if we shouldn't have shared with Lynn? I don't want to devastate her again. I mean, there was no warning to the stopping of Nathan's heart and although I had just heard it loud and strong the day before, sometime that following day, it had stopped. Without me even knowing. That hits a mom where it hurts. Surely we should know when our child's life ceases to exist. We should know if our little one is struggling to "breathe" especially when that child is within you. But, it doesn't work that way. Not to be a downer. But, the idea had just kinda stayed with me through the day yesterday.

I did have a wonderful, joyous Easter Sunday yesterday, though. There was a high level of excitement around church. I went to early service, Sunday School, & then served nursery for the late service. Long morning, but so fun to see everyone dressed up and celebrating. Then, later, my hubby suggested we head out to a park late in the afternoon, where we finally got Lynn on her bike (she has had no interest and actually fights learning to ride). The weather was beautiful and the time out of the house together was a treasure. Lynn's off school again today for the long Easter weekend and I've taken less files this week, so I'm hoping to do something together. I'm not sure what, but it'll probably be just us girls. First we need to get up and moving though. :)

Hope you have a great Monday!

grace

I've written a couple of posts already quoting lines from The Shack by William Young. I don't want to in any way replace scripture with this man's fictional manuscript, but the quotes I've pulled out really do make me ponder and I feel compelled to write about them. Thinking about this upcoming Easter weekend, the following caught my eye: "Grace doesn't depend of suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors." (p. 185, The Shack).
I think about this in two ways - my time of suffering and His time of suffering. Grace was all over each of those situations. First, my suffering... receiving grace wasn't dependent upon my losing my son. A tragedy didn't have to enter my life in order for me to receive the grace to walk through it. It was already there. From the very beginning, His grace was present. John 1:14 says, "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth." Let's face it, the only reason we exist in the first place is due to grace. The Bearer of grace that carried that heavy, wooden cross only to be nailed to it and left to hang and die (when He knew that was to happen from His first day on earth). That would be the "His suffering" I referred to earlier. Because of grace, the Father sent the Son to "become flesh and dwell among us." Through grace, God displayed His love of us - which is so much when we didn't (& still could never earn it) deserve it. I wrote a previous post about grace and mercy here.
To continue about the original quote... I do think, though, in the time of suffering, grace is felt, recognized, or at least desired so much more. I (selfishly/finally) began to praise God so much more for His grace and mercy and peace when it was what walks/walked me through my suffering. During that time, I was made more aware just how precious those gifts were in my life. I don't presume to put words in God's mouth, but perhaps that's a little of the reason for my time of suffering. And now, in a period of amazement and wonder at the new life that is beginning again within me, I am calling out and thanking Him for the grace and peace that has never left me.
I urge you to take some time this Easter weekend to reflect on the grace that covers your life. Thank Him for His suffering which was done for you.

"For God so loved the world that He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

guest posting

I'm guest posting over at Married to a Youth Pastor today. Check out what I have to say here.

Wordless Wednesday - surprise

I had hubby take this pic, then I imported it and stuck it in a photo slideshow of various photos from the past month. I then played the slideshow for my folks to surprise them with the news of our pregnancy. :) Fun.
I'll have to start turning sideways for the traditional pose, but didn't want to admit I have a little "pouch" already. Third babies don't stay hidden for long, I suppose.

signs of life

Just 7 weeks along but we saw today that little one is beating it's teeny heart strong and steady. Relief. Excitement. Assurance. Nausea (haha). No, but really, our appointment today went just fine. Met with a ultrasound tech who had no idea of our history (seriously, sometimes I wish it were mandatory for the nurses/staff to be up on patients' histories like the doctors), so she didn't realize what this little heartbeat did for my heart and just blabbed on afterwards about humdrum pregnancy stuff while I was silently praising God from the depths of my heart. I was kinda sad/disappointed that I was only 7 weeks along. I've been internally "fighting" a battle of hope/desire since not having a cycle (10+ wks ago) and for me to "only" be 7 weeks is almost like a letdown. AHHH. What a dummy. Forgive me for even saying that. I am totally, totally, totally beyond amazed to see life within me again. The fact that the baby was so tiny but had that strong regular blip of a heartbeat completely wows me to the core. I can not and will not complain about it's age of development :) Shew. Thank you for your forgiveness.
We decided to go ahead and tell our daughter the news (since we also plan on sharing soon with friends and church members in hopes of their prayer support during this time). I expected some sort of question regarding this one possibly dying, but no response like that, just quiet, reflective excitement. My hubby teased her about learning to change dirty diapers to which she replied, "descusting!"
It'll be a slow road ahead, but with the promise of God's grace, it'll be November before I realize it.

can I "review" a day only half over?

Today...

Spent... the morning at my daughter's school, helping (from the sidelines) during swimming class. Humid room - my hair did not fair well

Procrastinating... doing my work. I need to start - right after this, no excuses!

Also need to... mop this kitchen floor. We planted a lilac plant (three of them) yesterday and I now have red, clay mud all over the kitchen floor (my fault).

Can't believe... that it's now in the 30's outside, when it's April and we just had a beautiful weekend! Br! Er!

My husband will be excited that I... changed out our faucet Brita filter. Happy day, babe!

Physically feeling... hungry! Not sure whether I should snack (for the fourth time this morning) or just eat an early lunch since it's 11a. More procrastination ;)

Ready... for my ultrasound this afternoon. The nurses appointment went fine yesterday. The Lord set us up with such a compassionate, sweet nurse (who "oddly enough" was filling in at the satellite office I go to, from the main office - thank you, God, for the set-up). She was able to bump the ultrasound from next week to today. No more waiting.

Still amazed... at the beautiful rainbow I saw yesterday. The Lord allowed me to glimpse His glory through an amazing, full double rainbow after losing Nathan. It kinda felt full circle seeing one again yesterday, right after our appointment. Whatever happens, His promise of mercy is there.
(Here's a pic of "Nathan's rainbow." I didn't have a camera to catch yesterday's).

I hope this Tuesday is a good one for you.
Now, time for me to get to work and eat! :)

the rest of the story

Forgive me for taking so long to post this... but, I do want to share w/ you... after all, if you're reading my blog, you're walking through my journey with me. I want to be open and honest, so here's the "rest of the story."
When we last left off, I had gone to the doctor and received a "negative" reading on my pregnancy test. I was told to wait two weeks. After that two weeks, I still hadn't started, so I tried to get back in touch with my OB. However, I had trouble making an appointment, as my doctor's office computer system was down. I honestly had no idea where God was going with everything. So, after almost a third week going by, I finally got in to the doctor. They had me take another test... and this time it was positive. By that point, I had pretty much talked myself out of believing I could be pregnant, so I was quite shocked. I had nothing really to say to the nurse when she told me. I had to go get blood drawn to determine approximately how far along I might be since the test two weeks prior had been negative, but was now positive. The next day she calls telling me I was six weeks along. She was surprised to hear how far I was. She handed off the phone to the receptionist who scheduled my first few appointments. Now my news began to sink in.
I'd say the first day or two after finding out, I went through some funny emotions and thoughts. I want to try and put into words what some of those have been to share with you... I first felt that if I forgot or didn't think about Nathan anymore, then I wouldn't have to face the real truth that I might lose this one too. It was a weird feeling. Obviously, that's denying reality and I'm not one to do that, besides what was I going to do, not think of my son for the next eight months?
I then began to get excited, but immediately cautioned myself and wouldn't let myself think about next fall. I distracted myself and tried to think of something else.
I just didn't know whether I should feel free to dream or whether I'd get hurt again.
Ultimately after bobbing back in forth in unrest, I remembered...
I must rejoice in hope...
The Lord gives us a spirit of hope not of fear...
Basically, fast forward a week and a half and here I sit. My nurse appt. is tomorrow morning. They'll review my history and tell me what's to come. I'm sure this will sound very familiar with the sad truth of what I just experienced last May thrown in as my new "history." The ultrasound is scheduled for next week but I'm hoping after I talk with the nurse, she'll allow me to move it up to this week. I'm eight weeks now and that seems to be the "magic" age that one must wait for the first scan. I really am content, but I can't help but (negatively) fear that this little one might already be gone, but I won't know until I see a heartbeat. It kinda of freaks me out to think that way. I want to rejoice in excitement, but remain cautious. A loss may still be in my future. Afterall, I can only walk one day at a time in trust. The thing is, in trust doesn't mean that I turn my back on God should it not go my way. But, I don't want to go this whole pregnancy worried, timid to commit to anything baby in our future.
At my folks this past week, they've been cleaning house for putting it on the market. Basically, they're sorting through 20 yrs worth of "stuff." We found baby clothes, knitted by my (now deceased) grandma... I'm so eager to be able to use it on my fall baby. My daughter is a summer baby. I was not able to use those newborn knit sweaters with her.
Anyways, I'm all over the place in this post (& emotions/thoughts), but I wanted to "talk" with you gals.
I'm pregnant. I'm allowing myself to dream. I don't want to be tied down by fear.

"May the God of hope fill (me/us) you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,
so that (I/we) you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13

I have a request... if you follow me on twitter, please don't mention the pregnancy on my twitter. There are "real life" friends who follow twitter (that don't read this) that don't know yet. I covet your prayers, but we're not planning on telling any friends until after we've had our first ultrasound. Thank you!

Marshall's tragedy

Hubby and I watched the movie We Are Marshall last week. This summer, for World Changers, our teens are going to Huntington, WV - the site of the tragedy from which the movie was made. (Spoiler alert) A tragedy of that size must have impacted the little town tremendously. Not only were most of the football players lost, but also townspeople like doctors, college personnel, etc. The crash definitely impacted the community as a whole, not just the college. Makes me think of tragedies in general. The shooting at Columbine. The shooting at Virginia Tech. Something that was hard during my own personal tragedy was realizing that life continued on. While my world stopped inside the hospital that morning last May, the clock kept ticking. Just like in Huntington in Nov. of 1970, time kept clicking on. As the movie showed, different people move on in different ways, but the impact of a tragedy still plays a part in each person's future. Same as mine. Our loss impacted our future. No way around it. I am different now. Oh, there are probably ways that I am negatively different, as well as positively different. Regardless, each part of our journey through tragedy has a greater purpose. Stay with me... if I'm not winding on too far off the path of tragedy... check out Heather's quote from Charles Spurgeon. I think it applies. "All that befalls us on our road to heaven is meant to fit us for our journey’s end. Our way through the wilderness is meant to try us, and to prove us, that our evils may be discovered, repented of, and overcome and that thus we may be without fault before the throne at the last. We are being educated for the skies and for the assembly of the perfect." Wow - what great motivation. Our tragedies, whether impacting us personally or as a community, try us and prove us. We will never be "without fault" but when we back down and learn to lean on God, we become a bit more like Him, and tragedies become a bit easier to face.