care for your camera

Another contest! Check out Vintage Pearl's latest giveaway. She's giving away a custom lens cozy and camera strap from Priddy Creations. Go here to enter. 

missing

I haven't really known how to write and capture how things felt or went this Christmas without little Nathan. I felt a little empty - that was probably the best way to describe it. Knowing that part of my family was missing. Decorating this year, I remembered a picture that we had taken last year of Lynn kissing my pregnant, but not showing yet, belly. I remembered thinking that day that our new little one would be there the next year... that I'd have to get a new stocking to add to our mantle... wondering if it'd be a girl or a boy.
This year, things were a little different than expected.

Reflections on Christmas, with someone missing....
There were no baby toys under the tree this year.
There were no giggles of excitement as Nathan put ribbon and bows in his mouth.
There were no sticking bows to Nathan's head, laughing as he sat clueless to their presence.
There was no spoon feeding baby food into Nathan's mouth, trying to hurry because there were more presents to open.
There was no reading the Christmas story with a squirming 7th month old in our laps.


I put our little "hope" figurine under the tree to remind us of his spot in our family. Someone was missing this year from our presence, but in our hearts, he is there always.

Tackle It Tuesday - bed pillows

To do: Recover 2 throw pillows and 1 chair seat in new fabric, for the master bedroom. I wanted to give some "punch" to the standard, out of a bag, bedding on our bed. Since I needed to get fabric to recover an old chair seat that we got from my parents anyway, I took the plunge and went orange for all three!


Update: (work is still in progress) One pillow down!


Update #2: Two pillows done! (I have to wait on the seat to get some new cushion. The old one is pretty dilapidated.)


Also - check out who else has been inspired for creating! She's using a stapler to make a pillow with some cotton balls and remaining fabric.



p.s. Here's the tutorial I used for sewing these removable pillow covers. I've made these several times (for these same pillows, actually!)

hope

I'm so excited to have found this figurine in Hallmark. As we reflect on 2008, this is a great picture of what God's done for us. A little boy "holding onto hope"... as we continue to do, after losing our little boy. I look forward to 2009 with anticipation of what comes next, by holding onto the hope only found in Christ alone!
Happy New Year to you and your family!

relaxing... thinking about netbooks

Ahh... the calm beyond the tidal wave of preparation. I feel a whole lot less stressed on this side of Christmas. By midnight on Christmas Eve, cookies were made and presents were wrapped. I got a pretty good night's rest and I awoke to baby Jesus back in the Nativity scene, ready for a peaceful morning of celebrating with my family. Christmas morning was great. We had a very rambunctious five year old that didn't want to stop opening presents, even if they weren't labeled with her name! But, the old adage of 'playing with the box vs. the present' came true, as Lynn pulled out an old ball from her room and started batting it around, saying "I'm a cat! Play with me." after all the presents were opened and two shiny new "I want those!" Barbies lay abandoned under the tree. You just never know, hm? We traveled to my in-laws later that afternoon for a couple of days and now are back home. Ah... hubby's at the gym, dear daughter still sleeps (we are really going to have "fun" getting back into the school sleep/wake routine next week... groan...) and I am here getting caught up on all of you blog-friends and reading about netbook reviews.
After playing with my father-in-law's netbook this week, I've got my sights set on one. Anyone have one? He has an Acer Aspire One. I'm looking for one with a Linux OS (I'm a Mac girl, so no Windoze for me ;) and one that's reasonable in price (at or under $350?!) So, I've been looking at Acer, Asus, and Sylvania. If you have any reccommendations or feedback, I'd really like to hear it.
Other than that, I look forward to seeing my family later this week. And then getting back into "regular life" routine the following week. Happy Monday-after-Christmas!

year in review

Jan-April: Catching up. I had abandoned the blog.
(early) May: Anticipation
(late) May: The shocking loss
June: God's amazing peace
July: Back to blogging... 100th post
August: First week of kindergarten!
September: Remembering... traveling... tonsillectomy
October: Planting Nathan's tree... praying for our teens
November: Only children... Mercy vs. Grace
December: Stage fright... Mary's baby child

Hm - what a glimpse! I appreciate each & every one of you readers. Thank you for joining my journey here at Standing Firm in Quicksand!

from me to you

Wordless Wed - Holy child

Merry Christmas!!
(picture courtesy of my sister-in-law, thanks CH!)

faithful or a lack of?

"How can this be?" Mary asked the angel. (Luke 1:34) Do you think Mary's question demonstrated a lack of faith? This was the question posed to us in my Sunday school class on Sunday.
My answer was "No." I don't think she lacked faith. In fact, I think it showed her humanness. Sometimes, in my opinion, Mary is almost elevated to God-like status. Mary was "highly favored" (Luke 1:28) but not perfect. She was the chosen one to carry the sinless Savior, but she herself was not sinless. I think it is extremely interesting that her first question was "how?" Not "why" or "when" or "you're crazy!"
Actually, I found that being my first question as well. Only my "how" was "How can I do this? I can't. I need You!"
I do think that if we get too caught up in the or the "how's" or the "why's" it can tear down our faith. I think there's a point that we need to move beyond seeking for answers and rely on faith. It's not easy. Mary, herself, demonstrated our human desire for answers. But, she moved beyond the question and and replied to the angel, "May it be as you have said" (Luke 1:38) Let us take the example and simply live by faith.

Tackle It Tuesday - paint color

Trying to decide on a paint color for the bathroom! We want to go green - literally :) The up-close shot didn't turn out so well, but we ended up going with the one on the far left. I believe it's called "Palm Coast."

not just a baby

If you've tuned in to a christian music radio station this season, you've heard Mercy Me's newest Christmas song. It's a good one and had me thinking this afternoon. First, here are the lyrics:

Joseph's Lullaby by Mercy Me
Go to sleep my Son
This manger for your bed
You have a long road before You
Rest Your little head

Can You feel the weight of Your glory?
Do You understand the price?
Does the Father guard Your heart for now
So You can sleep tonight?

Go to sleep my Son
Go and chase Your dreams
This world can wait for one more moment
Go and sleep in peace

I believe the glory of Heaven
Is lying in my arms tonight
Lord, I ask that He for just this moment
Simply be my child

Go to sleep my Son
Baby, close Your eyes
Soon enough You'll save the day
But for now, dear Child of mine
Oh my Jesus, Sleep tight

I believe that Jesus is fully God and fully human and I marvel in wonder at what that combination must have truly been like. At what point did He stop relying on His earthly mother and father? At what point did He have the knowledge that His purpose on earth was to die? How incapable and inadequate at times Mary and Joseph must have felt! They were taking care of the Savior, the Messiah, the One! They were changing His diapers, bathing Him, teaching Him to walk. I wonder if there was a tendency to treat Him as fragile? In the beginning, as new moms and dads, we have a tendency to be careful not to "break" our little infant, but I wonder if Mary felt the need to be extra careful his entire infancy/childhood? Or, did she have extra confidence because she knew that He was God's Son, sent for a purpose? Having confidence (faith!), knowing that this little one was sent by God Himself through a miracle conception, and that nothing would happen out of the Father's will for Him. But WAIT, that should be us - do we give our children up to our Heavenly Father, knowing that He gave them to us, that nothing will happen to them that is out of His sight? Hmmm...

back to the drawing board

I've been attending a Wed. morning "moms" Bible study time through church recently. We finished up Shepherding a Child's Heart and have been looking for a new study. We like the video component to the study but not having much homework. ;) We were thinking to switching to a God-focused study next... as in, something regarding our relationship with Him (vs. our children, marriage, etc). Any suggestions? I am ready to go deeper (as in Beth Moore, etc), but I'm not sure the others are. Anyone ever done any of Priscilla Shirer's studies? Thanks!

hope the couch isn't lumpy

I am getting so old. When the word sleepover conjures up images of backaches, tired mornings, and chugging caffeine to stay awake, I know I'm getting "up in years." :) Yes, tonight I am having a sleepover for my small group of girls. My co-leader is actually hosting, so I call the couch, I guess. I am so excited. (Can't you just hear my sarcasm?) Forgive me for using y'all, but I just had to whine to somebody about it. My co-leader is actually excited about it (but then she's five years younger than me) so I get no sympathy from her. :) So, wish me well... movies, snacks, candy, games, pizza, nail polish and staying up all night.... zzzzzzz...

sunbathing in Dec.

What a beautiful, mild day today is! I think we're going to hit 60 today! And why in the world do I have so many things to take care of inside?! If you are experiencing some unseasonably warm weather today, I urge you to get some fresh air and put off your chores. Go soak up some vitamin D! :-) I'm heading that way myself...

my little bell-ringing, singing daughter

The Christmas show went great!! I am so proud of my daughter - she was up there, on stage, in front of many, many parents & grandparents :) She sang, she signed, she played the concert bells. She growing up so much. Uh. I was rubbing her back in bed last night to help her calm down from such an exciting, late night, and as her eyes were closing, I just felt such a huge heart-bursting overwhelming feeling of love for her. You know, being a parent is such a HUGE responsibility and sometimes I just feel so incapable of handing that responsibility, but that's why we have a God who is full of infinite wisdom who guides us through the process. It really is amazing. From a man and a woman comes forth a whole other human being. This human being starts small and it's almost like you have to think for them because they're so little and helpless. But then they start to grow and mature, and their own personalities come forth. They have their own character traits and strengths and weaknesses and fears and excitements and wishes and dreams. It's just so eye-opening as they grow up. I feel like this year, since she's gone to kindergarden that she's just grown so much. I mean she's always had a strong(willed) personality, but we're seeing so much more of her now. As she's maturing and learning wrong/right, it's just so heart-warming to see who she's becoming. Oh, what a tremendous responsibility, but such a tremendous joy and priviledge, this thing called motherhood.

Wordless Wed - sunrise

Caught the sun rising despite a cloud-filled sky. Gorgeous!

Tackle It Tuesday - Christmas letter

To Do: Write my Christmas letter!
Problem: Letter done, but no printer ink! Buy ink, then complete task...
Update: Done! And printed! Now, on to addressing envelopes and writing extra little notes to personalize each one.

(p.s. I ended up using different paper, as my letter got a little long. However, this year, after losing Nathan, I really wanted to be able to share more about God's goodness to be a testimony to all He's brought us through. So, it's not much about us this year, but a lot of what God has done in our lives and how amazing He is! I couldn't chop anything out to make it shorter!)

stage fright

My poor girl. She is so not into being in front of people. Tonight we have her "Arts Night" at school, where those in music sing, those in dance dance, those in art display their artwork. A Christmas show by all the students in "arts" electives this semester. It's a neat idea and I am looking forward to it. Lynn's in music, so her part of the show will be to participate in a few singing numbers, one sign language song, and one song where they all have hand bells and "ring" a song. She has no solos, so these will all be done with the rest of her classmates. However she is very nervous about it all.
She's gone before the church a variety of times with the children's choir and while she doesn't cry, she just stands there and never sings, so we've stopped making her perform in front of church since she's shared her discomfort with us. However, she knows she is expected to participate in her school show. This morning she got teary-eyed about it, saying that she didn't want to go up in front of all those people. So we talked about it a little. I hugged her telling her I loved her and am proud of her for learning all the songs and that I'd like to see her participate. I gave her the idea of looking straight at her teacher the whole time and pretending they were still in class. Then we prayed about it - that God would take away her fear and that He would hear the words she sang tonight, just for Him.
This parenting thing is tough. Trying to balance making them try the hard things, but to respect their individuality/personality. So if you think about it, say a little prayer for my Lynn tonight after dinner. Thanks. :)

not see, but seen

My pastor preached on faith this past Sunday. Something he said at the end really stuck with me and I asked him for the full quote and source so that I could share it with y'all:

“The Christian faith enables us to face life or meet death, not because we can see, but with the certainty that we are seen; not that we know all the answers, but that we are known.” – Donner Atwood in the Reformed Review

We are known. Let that sink in. He sees you. He knows you. The author and perfecter of life knows you. Our view of life is so limited. My scope of what is to come is limited to only my imagination. If it were up to me, I'd have an almost-seven month old bouncing on my knee. But, honestly, who am I? Who am I to know anything about what's best for me? You know, I sit and wonder sometimes... if I had carried my second child full term and delivered a healthy baby, I most likely would not have conceived Nathan. That same reasoning leads me to wonder about the next one. As we start to try again in the next few months, who will that next child be? That next child that would not have been tried for had my Nathan been alive. The sky's the limit on my dreaming along those lines. And it really is limitless to what God has in store for my/my childrens' futures. Sometimes we get so caught up in the why's and the what if's, but those are just answers. Then what? If I found out a concrete answer to why Nathan died in my womb, tomorrow would still come, then the next day and the next. Time doesn't stop. An answer would just be that. An answer. What has to fill in the gaps instead is faith. Faith, "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I can't see tomorrow, but because I have faith I can go to sleep tonight and wake up with the complete trust that tomorrow will be another day, not necessarily filled with answers but with my faith in the One that sees me, that knows me. And I'm gonna hold onto that.

Wordless Wed - ice

This was actually taken last winter. It makes me cold just thinking about the start of this winter season! Brr...

praying for you

I just checked my blog patrol stats and am so, so moved by how many of you are coming over from the babyloss directory. My hearts feels heavy and is burdened for you ladies (and men). I am pausing to pray this very moment for you... I just prayed for YOU, yes, YOU... for your physical recovery, for your emotional pain, for your marriage, for the days ahead which seem right now to be bleak and void of joy. The truth is that the one that created you and created your precious little one is with you. Psalm 139 says that He searches us, He knows us. He knows your pain right now. All of your days and your sweet baby's days were known before we were even created. There is no easy answer to your question of "why?" But there is a solid answer to the question of "how?" How can you get through this? Lean on Him, my friend. Cast your cares, your anger, your grief, your pain, your hurt, your exhaustion, upon God.
He has brought me through my times of hurt, my times of anger, & my times of pure exhaustion. In the beginning, each day seemed to bring a different thought or emotion. But, the amazing thing about having a God that also came in the form of man (Jesus) is that He has experienced all of those same emotions that plague us. He is no stranger to how you are feeling. However, He has the power to help us through them because we cannot do it on our own.
These days I feel different emotions - scared (that I'll forget Nathan), trepidation (over trying again soon for another pregnancy), empty (as I play with my friend's little girl that was born a week before my Nathan), jealousy (as I hear of another friend's pregnancy), and sorrow (as I enter the Christmas season when I should've had a 7 month old to introduce to all of our family traditions but don't). God knows these emotions as well. He hasn't left my side seven months later. He's the same rock as he was in May as He is for me now. I praise Him for that and pray to Him for you.

nothing time

Simplemom posted about having "nothing time." Some days that word phrase is a complete oxymoron for me. My time is so filled that the only "nothing" about it is feeling that I got "nothing" done at home b/c I was working, running errands, etc. :)
I felt so overwhelmed last week with all that was going on that when I looked at my list on Saturday, I had more to add to it than the amount of things I was able to cross off! I just wanted to be selfish and use Saturday for "nothing time," as simplemom calls it, and not to have to finish anything else on my to-do list. But, I worked two days out of the house as well as my 10-hr/week at-home job that I had a big list left. Er. Where's the balance! (I know, that's the age-old woman/mom question, isn't it!)

So, what do you do in your "nothing time"?
Here are a few of simplemom's ideas (with my additions in parenthesis):

• call an old friend, and just catch up - and don’t do anything else while you’re on the phone (LOL - I just talked to my best friend this afternoon and folded laundry, changed the sheets on my bed, and trimmed my nails while chatting!)

• read an enjoyable book you’ve been meaning to read (I really like to read, so for me I'd like to drop everything a read, all the time!)

• take a bubble bath after the kids are in bed

• watch a movie with your spouse, and don’t work on anything else

• grab coffee with a girlfriend

• read some blogs (I'm sooo behind on my Google reader - so many good blogs out there and so little time!)

My goal for this week is to manage my work/chore time that I can have some "nothing time" by Saturday. :)

where are your roots?

I think it's so amazing how trees can grow on a hillside. Driving to our church's associational Christmas lunch this afternoon and having a bit of "mind-wandering" going on made me look out the window (someone else was driving) and think about trees. It's all about the roots, isn't it? I came home and was on biblegateway.com searching "root" for the parable of the sower and the seed, but found this text in Jeremiah that stood out to me even more so.

5 This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

6 He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:5-8)

Trusting in someone else doesn't always work. Inevitably, since no wo/man is perfect, you will be let down. I know sometimes as wives it's easy to look to our husbands and expect them to fulfil all of our needs, emotionally, etc. That sure is a lot of pressure for them. Sometimes it's also easy to expect the church to fill all of our spiritual needs. Going once or twice a week to "fill up the tank" on spiritual stuff for the week is not enough. Vs. 8 gives the picture of a tree being satisfied of it's need for water. Being close to the water allows it to steadily receive water. The outcome of that steady "drinking" is green leaves and fruit. The same goes with us, being close to our ultimate source of water, the living water. When we seek the Lord daily by reading His Word and praying, we are satisfied and nourished. Our lives will then bear fruit. When "heat" or "drought" come we will be ready because we are spiritually filled.

Wordless Wed - Tday table

Thanksgiving at my (newlywed) sister-in-law's new home. She did a beautiful job of decorating & hosting her first Thanksgiving!!

"mommified" jewelry

... for winning! Check out the contest at SimpleMom.net. She is giving away four (yes, 4!) pieces of jewelry made by various mommies themselves. I am a big fan of Vintage Pearl, who is one of the four being given away. However, enter the contest here - all pieces are beautiful and would be a wonderful treat for you or to give away for Christmas!

Tackle It Tuesday - Jesse Tree

After reading so much about various bloggers' Jesse Trees, I researched a little more about them. Hubby was behind the idea as well, so with some free internet resources, I set out to start this new tradition! We've done four nights so far and will continue until Christmas. Our desire this year is to build up to the anticipation of celebrating Jesus' birth, not the presents under the tree.

praying for a fellow blogger

Celebrating for my bloggy friend, Heather, today. She just shared her exciting news and she's shared candid thoughts about her emotions regarding everything. I appreciate her honesty over the months as we've shared much of the same experience and emotions.
Heather, praying for you and wishing your family all the best as you walk the next nine months in faith and hope in the One that has your future in His sight.

foggy memories

I'm so afraid I'm going to forget him. He already seems like a dream. I have the radio on now tuned in to my local Christian station and hear a song that takes me back to the day I drove home without my baby son. The next song is on and it's a song that I sung to him as I rocked him the one and only day I had to hold my little child. I look through a photo album of pictures from May 24th 2008 and can't even remember it all happening, although I know it did. God's grace has brought me further and further from that day with His love and guidance, but the longer I go, the more I forget. It's almost scary in a way. I'm so thankful that I am excited about the future and am looking that way and not held in the past by the grip of grief, yet I don't want to forget the part of me that is no longer here.