the gift of song

Helping me continue down the slow walk of grief & healing has been the gift of song. I've put together a playlist, that I've passed along on cd to several friends who have recently started the walk I'm on as well. Some of these songs I found from Heather at Mom4Life when I began reading her blog, just after both of our losses. She introduced me to Watermark's "Glory Baby," which brought me to tears more times than I can count in the beginning. Now I sing it with a hopeful smile thinking of my Nathan waiting up in heaven for me. God had Natalie Grant's "Our Hope Endures" on as the first song I heard on the empty ride home from the hospital. Wow, thanks God, that song is amazing. Some of these have been added over the five months, some are on here because they've meant a lot to me even before losing Nathan, and some were most precious to me right after our loss. Please, leave a comment if there is a song that has meant a lot to you during a "quicksand" spot in your life, whether it was a loss or just a rough time.

So, anyways, here's my list, in no particular order:
Mighty to Save by Laura Story, from Great God Who Saves
Lift Up Your Head by Meredith Andrews, from The Invitation
Held by Natalie Grant, from Wow Hits 2007 (Disc 1)
Washed By The Water by Needtobreathe, from The Heat
Have You Ever? by Shawn McDonald, from Simply Nothing
Here I Am by Shawn McDonald, from Simply Nothing
With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman, from Speechless
God Speaking by Ronnie Freeman, from God Speaking
Let Your Mercy Rain by Chris Tomlin, from See The Morning
Glory Baby by Watermark, from All Things New
You're Not Alone [Acoustic Version] by Meredith Andrews, from The Invitation
We Fall Down by Nichole Nordeman, from Sing over Me: Worship Songs & Lullabies
I Know You're There by Casting Crowns, from The Altar And The Door
In Christ Alone by Natalie Grant, from Relentless
Love Can by DecembeRadio, from Satisfied
Don't Worry Now by Britt Nicole, from Say It
Life Ain't Always Beautiful by Gary Allan, from Tough All Over
Bring The Rain by MercyMe, from Coming Up to Breathe
Free by Shawn McDonald, from Ripen
Desert Song by Hillsong Live, from This Is Our God
Precious Child by Karen Taylor-Good, from On Angel's Wings
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns, from Lifesong
Remembering You by Steven Curtis Chapman, from Music Inspired By The Chronicles Of Narnia
How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin, from Arriving
Homesick by MercyMe, from Undone
The Only Thing by Ronnie Freeman, from God Speaking
Our Hope Endures by Natalie Grant, from Relentless
I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever by Sonicflood, from WOW Worship Yellow (Disc 1)
Own Me by Ginny Owens, from Without Condition
Be Still by Story Side B, from We Are Not Alone
Fellow Traveler by Ginny Owens, from Long Way Home
Visitor from Heaven by Twila Paris, from Beyond a Dream
Hope Now by Addison Road, from Addison Road
I'm Letting Go by Francesca Battistelli, from My Paper Heart (Bonus Track Version)
While I'm Waiting by John Waller, from The Blessing
You Are Everything by Matthew West, from Something to Say
There Will Be a Day by Jeremy Camp, from There Will Be a Day - Single
My Hope is in You by Aaron Shust, from This is What We Believe
Faithful by Brooke Fraser, from Albertine

to share more of my story

I've noticed recently that there have been many hits coming from the infant loss blog directory, that I feel compelled to share a little more than where I started this blog up again in July. I have gone in and typed out some of my journal entries into this blog, putting them in the actual date spots in which they were written. If you are looking for more of Nathan's story, feel free to click here to see all my posts labeled "Nathan." Scroll all the way down and then read, making your way back up.
My prayer is that they may be of comfort to those of you also finding your way out from under a shocking loss. I don't have all the answers for my loss (or for anything!) but I do know the One that does and take comfort that one day He will show me bits and pieces of why my sweet Nathan is not here beside me today. If you do not know Jesus Christ personally as your Lord and Savior, you too can have the peace that passes all understanding by asking Him to come into your life and fill you with the most amazing sense of mercy and peace. I would love to speak to you. So don't hesitate to email - just click on my complete profile under "about me" and click email under the "contact."
I put feelings and thoughts out there and just ask for your respect as you read and/or comment. I know you will. Thank you ahead of time.

May God help you through whatever you are struggling with today. Don't sink - ask Him to help you "stand firm in the quicksand."

Wordless Wednesday -a little wordy though

This was from a trip to Lewes, Delaware. Hubby and I walked into this blacksmith's barn, "Preservation Forge." The first pic is the outside of his shop, then the second two I shared in "sepia" shading because it looks so much more authentic. Floor to ceiling were covered in hand-made iron tools, hinges, gadgets, etc. Very neat.

Tackle It Tuesday

My to-call list (which you can see extensively grew), but is all check-marked off!!

a little worn and torn

Couldn't wait until Wed. to show you a photo I snapped today. This worn, torn, weathered leaf just spoke to me and I recalled the words of Paul, the apostle.

Philippians 4: 11-13
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

My encouragement to you today... whether you are flying high or feeling a little worn & torn, press onward - as a Christian, with His Holy Spirit within us, we can do all things through Him who give us strength. If you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, start here and/or I would love to speak with you.

playing the Celebrate Fall game!

Following up on a commenters' Celebrate Fall's Extravaganza with this post.... (Hi, Tiffanie, nice to meet you!) Today she is looking for our fall craft projects. Crafty, crafty... let's see... aside from scrapbooking, lately I haven't been up to too much. So, since scrapbooking's "boring" to blog about, I thought I'd pull out a sewing project from earlier this year. I recovered my couch pillows! I've done this several times and originally got the instructions from HGTV. They are removable covers, perfect for pulling off and washing as needed. This is not a fall craft, per se, unless you're my friend Charity, who redecorates (curtains, pillows, decorations, etc) for the different seasons! So, check it out and may I say, it was definitely easy (for a beginning seamstress like me) and definitely fun to have a new look!

crown-wearing

"The crown that showed no dignity He wore."
-Jeremy Camp, This Man

Mrs. H,
When's the last time you donned that crown? When's the last time you stepped out on faith and followed that nudge inside to approach someone who was noticeably hurting? When's the last time you put someone else's priority/desires over your own? When's the last time you were laughed at because of a "Jesus comment?" When's the last time you prayed over your food in front of others, outside of the home? When's the last time you asked a non-believing co-worker if there was anything you could pray for them about? When's the last time you knocked on a neighbor's door that you haven't met yet? Don't be afraid to lose that dignity and walk in His shoes.


Just challenging myself today and hoping you, too, will take a little time to contemplate when you last picked up His crown.

Wordless Wednesday- it's fall!

Happy Fall!

Tackle It Tuesday - CLR version

Here's a couple of "before" and "afters" of my CLR Tackle It Tuesday!































Now, the "review:"
I thought that the CLR met, but didn't necessarily exceed my expectations. Most of what I cleaned could have been done with my regular cleaners... I have a (sort of) new fiberglass tub which doesn't have any rings or hard water stains, just the typical grime after sitting unused this weekend and not being cleaned for about a week before that. But, I did want to see how the CLR would do on my shower stand - it's plastic and had gross build up on that. It did wonderful! Normally I just spray straight bleach on that thing and it does the trick to spot clean it, but today I sprayed all up and down with the CLR and it came right off. I felt like I needed to be careful around bathroom countertops as we have laminate (the label says to be careful on plastic laminate - not sure if mine is plastic?). Anyways, I ended up using the same sponge to wipe down my counters, but didn't directly spray the CLR on them. Seemed to do fine. I love how the CLR shined up my kitchen sink and bathroom sinks, though. I definitely think it is the product to use on sinks and faucets! So, there you have it. I think I'll keep the CLR for my kitchen sink and probably my shower. However, I'll still just grab my regular cleaners (with a little less potent smell!) for my countertops and toilets.
Thank you, CLR, for a free bottle of your product!!

heart full of burden for our teens

Wow. What a weekend. From Friday til Sunday I was at a Youth Fall Retreat, where our group and another church got together for a weekend of "Re-Fueling, Re-Freshing, and Re-Focusing." It was amazing. God tugged and tugged on my heart for our kids probably more than any other time during our 18 mos. here at our church. He put such a burden on me for our students that I spent hours in prayer (literally) over the course of this weekend for them. I had several girls (we took 20 students overall, of whom 10 were girls) confide in me, confess to me, cry to me - all which I helped guide to the "throne of God" in prayer. Confession to me helps in accountability but only One can offer the kind of forgiveness and mercy that they need! Our teens are dealing with a world filled with sin, just like we are, only they are faced with it during impressionable years. They have so many decisions to make each day where they have to consciously decide, "Am I going to walk the hard walk with Christ or do what feels good right now?" At least as adults we have "work regulations" and such that limit the peer pressures we face. These teens are in the thick of darkness daily. All our children and teens need so much prayer. I was brought to tears and to my knees for our students and my own daughter this weekend. I felt so drained on Sunday when it was all over, but I hope to not lose that burden so that I daily remember the need for prayer over these students and my own child.

weary

Ever just want to run? I was driving home from work this morning behind a motorcycle and thought, you know, if that were me, I think I'd just keep on driving. The wind, the sun, the pseudo feeling of freedom. I'd be able to run... run from the tears that spill out at random times more & more these days, run from the numbness that threatens to take me over, run from sarcasm that ruins relationships, from sad news of another friend's possible miscarriage, from the hard work & responsibility of raising a child God's way, from the list of fifteen phone calls to make when I don't want to talk to anyone right now, from a bank account that pretty much stays at zero, from painful periods that remind me of my empty womb, from the role of youth pastor's wife...
My version of motorcycle freedom was cranking up the radio, where God spoke to me through song...
Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
(from Barlow Girl's "I Believe in Love")
Thanks, Father God, for writing my days, even when I just feel numbness, pain, & silence. It's on those days that I know you're holding me up and giving me strength so that I don't run.
Psalm 119:28

Nat. Day of Remembering Preg. & Infant Loss

We remembered little Nathan today... (as if I don't every day!) I made a ribbon pin for me and one for my hubby. Lynn is helping me "show you" the pin. A little N for Nathan. Also, on my wrist are my "children bracelets." I had Nathan's on (emerald for his May birthday) and Lynn asked me where hers was for the picture, so I put hers (ruby for her July birthday) on as well. One day, I'd like to have a ring or necklace or something with all birthstones or names of my children in one piece. I'm hoping to add to our family some day, so for now, I have been very pleased with my bracelets. (Thank you, my sweet husband!)

Wordless Wednesday

This is actually the moon! A moonrise (as opposed to a sunrise), from Monday night.

Tackle It Tuesday

Well, the cupboards (and freezer) are no longer bare! My tackle-it was supposed to take place yesterday, but because of my oversight in the banks being closed I had to postpone it to today - so I hit one of my two grocery store stops today! I'll tackle the second grocery store tonight or tomorrow.
(By the way, all the groceries pictured above were purchased for just $89 at Aldi!)

quiche (now really, who came up with that spelling!)

I thought I'd share the recipe that led to the post about my daughter's crazy no-touch food obsession. Well, here is the recipe (complete with a pic) of what I cooked that night!

Quiche Lorraine
1 9" pie crust
12 slices bacon, fried, drained, & crumbled
9 oz. grated cheddar or swiss cheese
4 eggs
1 Tbs. flour
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
1 tsp. salt
sprinkle of pepper
2 c. light cream (I just used 1% milk)
1 1/2 Tbs. melted butter

Layer bacon in the bottom of the pie crust. Sprinkle the cheese over top.
Beat eggs, flour, nutmeg, salt, & pepper together.
Add milk and butter to egg mixture.
Pour egg mixture over top of bacon & cheese layers.
Bake at 375 for 50 mins. or until quiche has "set."

Y'all - this was so easy!! Try it. Mm mm!

catch up day

Well, home from a long weekend away and it's been a day filled with laundry and supposed to be bank deposit day & grocery shopping day. Lynn wasn't out of school, so it didn't dawn on me until I pulled up to the deserted bank that it is a holiday! Ah ha - Columbus Day. Good ole Columbus. Banks and the USPS celebrate this holiday, but hopefully our kids are in school learning about it while we moms are stopped from running certain errands?! :-)

A little history on the holiday (courtesy of Wikipedia):
The first Columbus Day celebration was held in 1792, when New York City celebrated the 300th anniversary of his landing in the New World. In 1892, President Benjamin Harrison called upon the people of the United States to celebrate Columbus Day on the 400th anniversary of the event.
Since 1971, the holiday has been commemorated in the U.S. on the second Monday in October, the same day as Thanksgiving in neighboring Canada. It is generally observed today by banks, the bond market, the U.S. Postal Service and other federal agencies, most state government offices, and many school districts; however, most businesses and stock exchanges remain open.

donning my pom poms

Rah Virginia Mil! We're off to go hang out with the in-laws and catch a Keydets football game Saturday at hubby's alma matar. Everyone enjoy the rest of your week!

food must not touch

You know those plates with the divided sections? I seriously believe that they created those for my daughter! She flips out over casseroles and I don't mean in a good way. "But it's all mixed up!" She whines. I'm making quiche for dinner tonight and gave her a piece of bacon to tie her over til it's done cooking. "Yum. I like the bacon. Does this mean we're having pancakes tonight too?" "Nooo," I say. "It's quiche, with bacon, eggs, & cheese, yum!" "I don't like all those things together!" was the response I received. However for any meal, she'd be ready to eat those ingredients separate - she loves cheesy eggs with bacon on the side. Oh well. I see picking bacon out of quiche in her future tonight b/c I'm sure not doing it. I'm looking forward to it all together in a wonderful flaky crust!

Tackle It Tuesday

We had unhooked all the buckles to use this as a booster in one of our cars, but then were given a backless booster that fits much better in the car. Since she's (just) 40 lbs. we're clear to go backless! So, the question is... how did we unhook all this? And, hm, oh yeah, maybe I should wash the cover before we reattach and pack it away!
Unhooked... Washed... Reassembled...!

left, right. left, right, left.

Ah, crisp cool temperatures... I hear the high school marching band playing a Monday night football (?) halftime show (we live about half a mile from the h.s.)... brings back some fun high school memories. I too was in the marching band, actually a part of colonial flags unit (think large state flags of the thirteen original colonies, marching around in formations - that's us in the pic at a summer performance, not in normal uniforms, obviously). I really didn't care much for the actual games, so I remember marching in, goofing off and giggling with friends during the game (we had to sit all together as a band), and then doing the halftime show, then getting to the exciting "third quarter off." You know, so we could hit the snack shack and load up on candy or hot chocolate depending on how cold it was! - and that was after downing our "secret buddy bags" during the first half, that we had given each other before the game, lol. Ah, the good 'ole days!

give an inch, they try and take a mile!

Does anyone else have a "bargainer" in their family? Mine is of the 3 1/2 foot tall variety and can be found as close to me as a shadow when she wants something. When she is given something - tonight was "one story before bed" - she then says, "Can I have (what's given + 1)?" My response of late has been, "Nope. And now you can't even have one! We don't bargain." I've reduced desert like that before and even minutes for an activity. Usually my method is halving whatever she could have had before. For example with cookies - when bargaining for a third, two cookies get reduced to one. You'd think some of the really good stuff being cut in half would have an impact! Errrr....

Nathan's tree

What a morning. I don't know why, but I didn't anticipate it being this emotional. We planted our Nathan tree today. Gorgeous, gorgeous day outside as we pulled the wheelbarrow and shovel out of the shed, actually eager to see what our little tree would look like officially in the ground. I wrote out a note for all of us to sign & bury under the tree. On it I wrote,

"Nathan ____ H____

May 24, 2008

(gestationally 36 weeks)

Growing so strong inside your mommy until God called you back home in the whisper of a moment.

We missed getting to know you on earth and look forward to being united in heaven, because of the love of God and the sacrifice of His perfect Son.

This tree is planted today (10-4-08) in memory of you. We love you, son and brother."

Lynn drew four hearts (one for each family member) as well as putting "love" and another heart on the page. We all signed our names, then put it in the bottom of the hole we dug and each tossed a handful of soil on top of the note. Oh my, that was the hardest. We don't have a grave site for Nathan's ashes (& I really debated whether I wanted to bury them with the tree but decided I just couldn't. What would I do if/when we moved? I'd be heartbroken all over again), so tossing the dirt was so symbolic of what you do at a funeral on a casket. I felt like I was saying goodbye all over again. We finished up, eating lunch, then had to get ready for a wedding. Time to closet off my feelings and go "celebrate" with the couple. But, despite my withdrawn attitude, the wedding was absolutely gorgeous and seeing two "broken" families unite was again seeing God's amazing grace filling a pain-filled situation to create something new. He is truly amazing. I will leave you with a few pictures from our morning.

worship down to the core

Joel Engle, on the inside of his Made for Worship cd cover, writes: "We were made for worship, it's just that simple. True Christianity is the life of worship." Tedd Tripp in his book Shepherding A Child's Heart, writes: "Everyone is essentially religious. Children are worshipers. Either they worship Jehovah or idols." I think when people think about the term "worship" they think about what songs they sing in a Sunday morning church service. But it's so much more than that. Worship is about giving devotion to something/one - giving of our time and thoughts to something/one - it encompasses who we are, to the core. Our whole attitude, outlook is either one of worship to God or worship to something else... material things, power, pride, etc. In the book of Nehemiah (ch. 9), the children of Israel included confession in their worship. Job worshiped in a time of mourning (ch. 1). I'm striving to walk the road, worshiping the Lord with my whole being. May He guide me and I never falter in giving Him true worship, devotion for each blessing and sorrow.

Psalm 96

1 Sing to the LORD a new song;
sing to the LORD, all the earth.

2 Sing to the LORD, praise his name;
proclaim his salvation day after day.

3 Declare his glory among the nations,
his marvelous deeds among all peoples.

4 For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
he is to be feared above all gods.

5 For all the gods of the nations are idols,
but the LORD made the heavens.

6 Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and glory are in his sanctuary.

7 Ascribe to the LORD, O families of nations,
ascribe to the LORD glory and strength.

8 Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name;
bring an offering and come into his courts.

9 Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness;
tremble before him, all the earth.

10 Say among the nations, "The LORD reigns."
The world is firmly established, it cannot be moved;
he will judge the peoples with equity.

11 Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad;
let the sea resound, and all that is in it;

12 let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them.
Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy;

13 they will sing before the LORD, for he comes,
he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world in righteousness
and the peoples in his truth.

swinging in heels

My daughter brought a new playmate out to swing with her yesterday. Barbie! Check it out - hanging on in heels! ;)

being real, journal entries

9-28-08
Father,
I feel such a feeling of un-worthiness, of being so humbled b/c of your love. God, I am nothing in the wake of Your glory. Lord, my heart feels so hungry for you. I desire to be so much closer to you. I desire to see you, to know you more. Everything on earth seems so trivial, so beyond-the-point. Without you, what is anything? I don't even feel I have the words to fully express this feeling. I have not been here in too long of a time. I am overwhelmed to tears.
I feel the flood of emotion. How come you haven't give up on us when we've been so careless with Your love and forgiveness? How do I balance this closeness with you with what goes on day to day in my life? How do I grasp this feeling and keep it close? God, about my son, will you please hold him close tonight? I miss him, who he would have grown up to be. The wife he would've married. Lord, the family you might have given him. The works You would have done in his life. Lord, help me - use me - use my family - use Nathan's death - for new life, life in You.

10-1-08
Today I am bogged down in the fight w/ my husband from last night (even though we've reconciled this morning). I'm hurting for a stranger in ChickFilA whom I just overheard her stories of premature twins (2 sets), losing 1 of them (each time) a few days after birth. She was eating with her (one) 2yr old son, while the one remaining twin from the second twin-birth was still in the hospital, set to come home next week. God, I'm crying out for you. Make sense of this world. So much suffering. So much sin.


I'm debating whether I should go back and add in journal entries from when I lost Nathan. This blog was started a year + ago, when I didn't post much at all. Now, I'm on here quite often, but feel like the bridge from where I was to where I am now is missing. Those that tune in from the babyloss directory will be looking for entries to explain my loss. (At least that's what I did when I looked for others on the directory). I'd like to use this blog to help others... if that means to show them I'm human, with emotions, fears, disappointments, and joys and how I rely on my Savior for help through all that... or I might as well just close up now and stop. Thoughts? Lurkers but no commenters... don't know what a girl is supposed to think! ;-)

Wordless Wednesday

Wishing I had some time & money for this today...

(funny how the black light makes the French manicure glow iridescently!)