I want to go there...

No time for posting, but wow, I just read this and wanted to direct you to Scribbit's blog. What gorgeous photos. Anchorage, Alaska is at the top of my "dream vacation destinations" list. Anyone ever taken an Alaskan cruise? I would love to see those mountains in person. Gorgeous!

the next child

Celebrating this week with The Pipers over the birth of their new baby boy. They, too, suffered a surprise loss in their last month of pregnancy with their daughter Felicity about a year ago. Molly shared an excellent post that encouraged me. She speaks about subsequent pregnancies, after a loss. I kinda touched on my recent thoughts of this the other day when I read all the stats about next pregnancies. Nevertheless, I believe I am ready to try again. I miss my Nathan and what we could have had, but the desire for another child is still there, as I do not have Nathan here with me. I could not replace him, and wouldn't want to as God has used his death to teach me so much.
My friends are ready to see my pregnant again. They cheer me on in my road of healing and know that my arms feel so empty. I'm not saying I'm pressured, just that they are feeling my sorrow along with me and know of our desire for another child. You would think others might say it's too soon, but the support and love that we have received is heaven-sent, such a blessing.
My sister and I are six years apart and I always said that I wanted my kids closer than that. Well, with our miscarriage and the still birth of Nathan, at the earliest our children would now be about six years apart. Guess it's not really up to me, huh? God knows what is best for our family and I just pray for the next one... in His timing... that my daughter might have a sibling to love, teach, and play with here on earth. So, I guess, I ask for your prayers... as we try for another.

tunes on my ipod

Some new music I'm listening to:
Stephanie Smith's Not Afraid
Ronnie Freeman's God Speaking
Krystal Myer's Make Some Noise
Remedy Drive's Daylight is Coming
I've linked their myspace pages, where you can hear some of their music. Check them out!

ever ridden in a cab?

Surfing around blog land again this morning and found myself reading "Cabs are for Kissing." A whole world I've never been a part of (cabs, that is, not kissing) ;-)
What interesting stories. I've not been to NYC nor been in a cab, but man, the stories he tells sure do paint a picture of life in the big city. (One I'd rather visit and not reside in!) Honestly, I can't imagine relying on cabs to go places. I can't picture not hopping in your car to drive yourself to work, etc. Now I am all for public transportation (buses, trains, planes), but those have a posted schedule and you plan in advance to use one. I'm just not accustomed to the idea of a taxi as a main mode of transportation... to flagging one down when needed... maybe it's cool to have service on hand like that. Maybe I should take a trip and find out! :-)

Wordless Wednesday

All I see is dollar signs.... $$$$$... Ugh!

remembering

I think sometimes people wonder whether or not they should bring up a deceased child, if bringing him/her up would make the mom slip into sadness. I personally love it when Nathan is mentioned. Talking about him keeps him "real." I like this poem, which captures the idea.

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.

~ Elizabeth Dent ~

rice & water

Seen this yet: FreeRice.com? Came across this site today, as recommended by another blogger. How are your vocabulary skills? After a bit, I've gotten to level 34 and donated 1200 grains of rice. I wonder if that's at least a pound?
How about this: FreePoverty.com? This one gives away cups of water. I only got up to 50 cups of water and pretty much bombed once I got to the 2nd level! I must admit, though, I did better then I expected. My world geography skills are lacking.
Seems as though these have been around for awhile and I'm way behind, but hey, in case anyone else is in the dark as I was, check them out. Come back and tell me how you did...

update: Tom recommended another: Free Charity, which donates water as well. Give it a shot. It gives clues like you'd find with a crossword puzzle.

boring, hm?

Well, I'm home with a daughter who has strep throat... guess it was only a matter of time before she got it, since I had it last weekend. Except for the white spots my hubby saw on her tonsils yesterday, she's normal. No fever, no sore throat, no miserable sick feeling. So, being couped up at home is not fun when she could be with friends at school. I'm just glad my husband caught it! We've got vacation coming up. I hope he stays healthy!
Anyways, I've been reading some new blogs (including The Pipers and Really Living.) I really appreciate their transparency. My daughter just got done finishing her mandatory rest time (which today meant 15 minutes in bed, then another 45 of quiet play in her room). Well, I think she spent 30 of the 45 minutes asking me when it was time to come out and how it was "boring" in her room. Now if her room is boring, I told her, then we'd just get rid of all her toys! I mean, really! It was just a matter of being told to be in there. She ended up having another ten minutes added on b/c I told her I'd add five minutes if she came out again. Well, after two five minute additions, she stayed in until the buzzer went off. Usually she's good at playing on her own, but since going to preschool and now kindergarten, she'd rather play with a friend (or me) than by herself. Uh - where'd my independent-player baby go?

click pics in comfort

Wow! Look at this contest over at The Vintage Pearl. I have been needing and needing to get a camera strap for my camera. What better excuse to step up that purchase than to win one of these pretty covers to slide onto one!

food, food, food, what a pain!

Ugh. Fridge is bare and payday is over a week away. I think that I got so spoiled this summer... the beginning of the summer we had friends bringing over food after we lost Nathan, then my mom was down and helped plan meals, then we traveled to see family, then we had VBS week and meals were made for us beforehand. Now, school has started and there is no excuse for not planning nightly meals... except that I really do not like to cook. We don't usually waste too much money on eating out, except, well, we've had six meals out (lunches, dinners, and you know, a random milkshake or two) - this week alone! Time to get out the cookbooks (or surf some of those food blogs I see some of yall have linked on your blogs) and buy the ingredients for specific meals. Anyone have any good food blog recommendations?

research I shouldn't be reading

I clicked around the web yesterday regarding stillbirths and found an article that informed me, rather, filled me with fear, of the risk of having another stillborn or miscarried child since I've now had a stillbirth (& an early miscarriage, actually, before that). Somewhere out there (sorry I do not have a link and I can't find the article again!) is research saying less than 25% of babies conceived after a stillbirth actually are born alive. WHAT? Now I hate it when statistics are just thrown out there without the facts, so I probably shouldn't even be posting this, but it startled me and I admit, I had to start praying right then after I ready this. BUT, in contrast, according to doctors (specifically mine who told me this at my follow-up) the chances of a second stillbirth is very slim. Well, really? Who's right?
The more I read the more I thought about my next pregnancy (which I thought I was ready for). Stories from those who were pregnant after a loss told of fear during the next pregnancy: a desire to bond with the developing child, but a fear of doing so in case of another loss. After all, if a baby went almost full term, then was lost, what's to say that it can't happen again. Yikes!
I must say this leaves me feeling a bit apprehensive. Should I be trying to get pregnant again so soon? I know that I most likely will be fearful during the next pregnancy. The next baby will be so covered in prayer because I'm going to have to lift it up each time I start to worry so that I do not get bogged down in the "what ifs." Another thing I wonder is probably pretty silly, but I think about these things... I want to know all I can about the next child. I want to know if it is a boy or girl (we did not find out with Lynn or with Nathan). I want to see many, many ultrasound pics showing my little one moving around healthy. But, is it harder? Would I bond more/deeper knowing what sex it is and calling it by it's name prior to it's birth? I walked around (in private, as we didn't tell others our name selections) calling Nathan a combination of the girl and boy names we had picked, but would it have been harder if he was already my little Nathan from the start? If I had gone shopping for all things blue, celebrating the first son in our family? As it was, I had to return diapers and bath washes after we lost him (which is another story in itself what I had to go through at Walmart to return them all... for another day).
It's just hard... period. I guess that's the point. I'll want to know all about the next one, so I'll take the risk of losing him/her and find out. I'll call him/her by its name. I probably just won't go shopping until he/she is born.

Wordless Wednesday

I was trying to snap a photo of my sister-in-law's gorgeous wedding boquet and what did appear... an odd little duck... courtesy of my daughter, who noticed I was taking photos and stuck it in there! :-)

Here's one without the subtle addition. Beautiful, aren't they?! She was going for a slightly wildflower look, so there were also Queen Anne's Lace and some small blue bonnet type flowers as well. It was a pretty mix.

new Olympic sport?

Went to the mall this morning and got there about ten minutes early, so I just went into the mall to wait for JC Penney's to open. After window shopping for a bit, I sat down on a nearby bench. I'm not kidding, about 50 people mall-walked past me in about 2 minutes! So, with all the Olympic-fever going on, I thought, hm... "What if mall walking was an Olympic sport?" Qualifications: over the age of 65, in singles or doubles, wearing clean white sneakers, and the ability to smile and wave to familiar faces. I'm not picking fun at these folks. In fact, I mean, it's totally smart - the mall is air conditioned, has music playing, no one strolling around (lol, with or without strollers), and there's a great big parking lot to meet in. It's great. I hope I remember the idea in forty years. :-)
So, what's your idea for a new Olympic sport?

not a survivor, a champion

Took advice from Heather at Mom4Life and listened to both the YouTube video and speaker Patty Moreno on Friday. I don't know what it is, but if I'm gonna have a down day, a "missing my baby" day, Friday tends to be the roughest. I wonder if it's because he most likely lost his life on a Friday (although I didn't get an ultrasound and a diagnosis until Saturday). Coincidence? Who knows. All I know is that I needed those two talks. I needed to share in the pain with others who had similar experiences. Thanks, Heather. You too have walked my walk and I'm right there with you.
A lot of what Patty said was good, but her comment in which she said something like, "Don't be hollowed out by circumstances. Don't walk as a survivor, but as a champion." It hit me because I think that's what I would describe how I feel sometimes... hollow, numb, or at best, a survivor. But I need to remember that because of God's plan for my life, if I allow Him to be my guide, I'll be as great as a champion. No, I won't be like Michael Phelps with his eight Olympic gold medals, but I'll be living the life that God has for me. His plan. The path which, with God's help, will allow me to best reflect Him in my life. Walking that path is better than a hundred Olympic gold medals.

a tiny piece of beach

Ever heard of Moon Sand? Apparently it was popular for Christmas this year, but we missed it. Well, fast forward seven months, and my daughter just received some for her birthday from a friend. It's really neat. Satisfies that wanna-make-sandcastles in the sand desire, without the four hour drive to the beach!
And, check this out. Paul Michael at WiseBread shows us how to make it homemade. I think I'll wait to see if it continues to be a hit before I tackle it myself, though.

symptoms

Update: Diagnosed w/ strep on Sunday. Uck.

Well, I feel really horrible today. I don't know what hurts more: my head, my uterus or my throat! Hubby's at a rising-sixth graders event, created to welcome them up to the youth ministry. We have a bunch of them - about 15 of them. This is our biggest rising-group yet and all but three of them are boys. We'll be heavy on the adolescent male hormones!
Anyways, I just googled symptoms of strep and since I'm coughing with my sore throat and headache, I suppose I've just got a cold. The uterus, well, that's another reason and one I'm kinda sad about. I had secretly hoped I'd get pregnant again, right away. But I guess at least my body's going to get into a normal cycle, which will make getting pregnant easier.
Lynn's looking a little better this morning. She, too, has a cough and runny nose (and actually my hubby does too), so we're all just fighting it.
(random shift in subject here) My neighbor's having a yard sale today. I have never, since being married, had a yard sale. In my past experiences with yardsales (growing up) we never made much. My tendency is just to give the extra stuff away. We've moved so many times, that with each move, I donate and clean out. I guess the problem is I never had enough stuff gathered up at one time to try and sell. And, I never have a big enough home to just gather the stuff until I do (no basement, etc). Anyone have good yardsale experiences?

errrr... what to do?

Why does being a mommy have to be so hard? AKA: Why does my daughter have to be so stubborn? AKA: Why don't I have a "social butterfly" daughter? This week would be so much easier if... if... if...
I love seeing the personality that God has given my daughter and I love looking for the positives in some of the "negative qualities." Her shyness keeps her from talking with strangers. Her slow-to-warm-up personality has enabled her to be one that looks at situations and think about things before jumping in. Her stubbornness... hm, still working on that one. I hope this one will show up when it comes to peer pressure - staying stubborn on doing the "right" thing vs. the "wrong" thing.
The past three days, I have walked her in and stayed with her in the gathering area/kids chapel before class, then walking with her to the room. Yesterday she did great, in fact I was even worried it was so great (dumb me). Then today, she decided to grab my leg and say "No, no, no!" This was clearly not fear, but disobedience. She was like, "I don't want to go in and I won't go in!" Err... so, I managed to pry her off, told her I loved her, told her she was being disobedient, that she needed to go in to her class. I would pick her up after school. Then I left the hall with her screaming and crying outside the classroom as other moms were dropping off their kids. Ah, how wonderful. I do thank God for some supportive other mommies, though. As one was walking in, I explained that that was my child crying and would she encourage Lynn to go in w/ her child, and she did. Then another mom came out/down the hall and told me she was fine, that she had stopped crying and made it in.
Somehow we'll make it through this school year! I just pray that routine will become routine and that she'll build the confidence to go in on her own. I pray for me, as mommy, to have wisdom on how to not "enable" her disobedience (am I setting her up for failure when I walk to her room with her? Other moms drop kids off at the outside door to the school, where they are guided in by an adult). But, at the same time, this is all new and I want to help her through the transition. We've talked each day about her day, how she felt about things, etc.
This is so different from preschool! There I was able to communicate daily with the teacher, know what was going on, and easily drop her off as she was comfortable (preschool was at our church). I know it'll just take time and I need to hang in there. So, that's what I'm trying to do... pray and hang in there!

day one down, day two here

Just dropped Lynn off for her second day of school today. I walked her in and sat with her in the kids' chapel until it was time to walk to her classroom. (The school has a half an hour of drop off "window" of time and as they're dropped off they wait in the chapel until school starts at 7:45). Yesterday we got there at 7:45, but today we were about ten minutes early. She slowly warmed up while we were waiting and started comparing bookbags and lunchboxes with another friend from her class that she remembered from yesterday. Well, finally it was time to walk to the classroom and by that point, she was buddy buddy with the new friend. She walked to her cubby and put her stuff away. She didn't look back and I didn't get a hug goodbye. Usually she's a hugger, so I hope I didn't walk away too soon. Yesterday, she grabbed onto my leg so I wanted to leave today while she was interested in something. I didn't want to stick around too long to cause another leg-hugging scene. So, hopefully it's just my mommyness in worrying over one little goodbye and she sat down at the table and dove right in to the day without getting upset over missing me. I missed the hug, though. I hope she's not ready to give those up yet.

by the way

Do you like the new background? It's the easy way out, using a premade template, since I don't have a clue when it comes to code (and am too lazy to play around with it). It doesn't take too long to load, does it? I noticed a friend with one and thought I'd try one out. I personally like how the colors reflect the tones in the photo at the top.

a sad, but exciting goodbye

My little girl just started kindergarten today! We woke up early (although, we didn't have enough time so tomorrow will have to be earlier!), I packed her lunch, and my hubby and I drove her to school. She's attending a private/Christian school, so I'll have to drive her each day. She's attended five-day morning preschool for the past two years, but something about today was different. I now have my days to myself, hm, whatever will I do? ;-) I will be working a few days a month, so that'll give me something to do. Otherwise, I'll just have to surf and blog all day. I guess this means there is no excuse for not having dinners planned out now! :-)
This quiet time will definitely make me think of Nathan more often. This was going to be our time together. I miss you, little Nat-man!
Is it 2:45pm yet?......

wanna feel smart?

Nothing like a little Teen Jeopardy to make you feel smart! My hubby and I had our daughter in bed last night by 7pm (first day of school today!), so we were able to catch Jeopardy. I love Teen Week - I knew a bunch of the answers :-) Now if I would've known them ten-fifteen years ago is another story!

embracing tribulations

A friend recently passed along the site for the Chappell family's blog and I have started reading it, from the beginning. They, too, are receiving God's peace as He is bringing them through such a difficult time of losing their baby. I am quoting a quote from their blog. It originally was taken from Milton Vincent's A Gospel Primer for Christians and it just really struck home with me. Here it is:

"More than anything else could ever do, the gospel enables me to embrace my tribulations and thereby position myself to gain full benefit from them. For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize, instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every other aspect of my life, including my severest trials (Romans 5:1-5). The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ (Romans 8:28; James 1:2-4; 2 Corinthians 12:7-10). Preaching the gospel to myself each day provides a lens through which I can view my trials in this way and see the true cause for intelligent rejoicing that exists in them. I can embrace them as friends and allow them to do God's good work in me."

His love for us is amazing! He willingly sacrificed His own son for us! "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8) By keeping our (my) focus on that piece of truth, how could I believe anything other than that God has only my best interest in mind?

who knew they were addicting

Ok, I was never a fan of the quilted purse look... I never understood the attraction to big patterns that did not match your outfit... but I've crossed over to the other side. I'm a "Vera" fan now! I started with one using some birthday money, and now I've gotten two more. I just can't help it! So many different styles. So many different patterns. I think the fact that there are so many different combinations is the appealing thing about them. You can pick your style and you can pick your pattern. And the new styles & patterns that are out - I like them - particularly the Morgan but who could resist the basic, functional (old style) Little Betsy. All those pockets inside, how great! Tell me I'm not the only one out there...

a recipe for being exhausted

150 children + several dozen adults + catchy music + clever crafts + a few wacky snacks = Vacation Bible School. Yes, for my church, it's finally that time! We don't have a youth VBS, but rather our students serve, helping out with the younger kids. So, that means I get to work with the young kids for this event as well. I'm leading the rising-first graders this year. My daughter is just a year younger, so it's amazing to me to see where she'll be next summer. It's been amusing to watch them in rec, passing a wet sponge back and forth with their feet, doing the limbo, and running with flippers on their feet. It's thrilling to hear them ask & answer questions about Jesus. The music, of course, sticks in my head and I wind up falling asleep at night afterwards with the words rolling through my head. But, they are all simple, basic truths and I can't go wrong falling asleep, hearing "I know my God is real... and nothing can change how I feel." I didn't grow up going to VBS, so the experience of being an adult and serving in one is a pretty neat opportunity. How about you? Any memorable moments in your VBS experience (either as a kid or as an adult)?

please let me win!

Ok, I've gone back and forth between photos and after eenie, meenie, miny, moeing it, I've picked one to enter in Five Minutes for Mom's Summer Fun Photo Contest. Here's my entry:

Nothing says summer like lots of playground time! This shot was taken through the "tube." (And no, I did not have to shimmy all the way through to get the shot, shew)!

speak my words for me...

Ever notice how sometimes you just can't put your thoughts into words, but a song can pinpoint where you are? I'm listening to a mix I created using Project Playlist, and it's on David Crowder Band's "All I Can Say." Here are the lyrics:

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Romans 8:26 says that the Spirit intercedes for us with groans when we do not know/have the words to pray. Following the news that we lost our son at 36 weeks pregnant, I had no words. At first, when the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat, she left the room saying, "Don't worry, now. I'm going to page the doctor and have him do an ultrasound." Don't worry, ha. Two days ago at my doctor's appt. there was a heartbeat beating in that same exact location. My first words when she left the room and I was alone, were "Lord, if you are asking me to do this, I can't. I need You!" I knew that I had lost my baby and no ultrasound would show otherwise. From that moment, God's presence was so real and almost tangible to me. He guided me through the following twelve hours as we prepped for labor and delivery and then delivered Nathan. He also held me up as I met and said goodbye to my son. The Holy Spirit was groaning on my behalf. I didn't even know how to pray during those hours - I couldn't pray for a healthy baby, he was already gone. I was speechless and almost felt as David Crowder Band sings, "the dark is creeping in to swallow me." But I did not get "swallowed up." That tangible presence I mentioned earlier... I really and truly felt God's hand holding me up and leading me through that time of darkness. He didn't let me rest in that spot of darkness. It was Him "holding me and cry'n too." That is my praise.
Some days the Spirit still must intercede for me. The days when my arms ache for my baby and I look at the photos of him and wonder how he might have grown and what he might have looked like as a toddler, teen, adult. On those days I don't have words. But God hears the cry of my heart and the groaning of the Holy Spirit that's inside me as a Christian. That is my praise.

5 years old

Well, in a little over five hours, I will have 12 five-year-olds in my backyard running around in bathing suits, playing in the kiddie pool, slipping down the slip-in-slide, & jumping through the sprinkler. Hopefully they will be having fun :-) We're celebrating my daughter's fifth birthday today. Ice cream sundaes for everyone!

old cell phones

Have an old cell phone that you don't need any more? Check this out: Cell Phones for Soldiers. You send them your old cell (they give you a postage paid mailer or you can save them money and mail it yourself) then they sell the cell phone and use the money for phone cards for soldiers overseas. What a great idea! I boxed one up this morning and will bring it to the post office next week. I have several friends whose husbands have been overseas and the phone calls, when they're able to make them, have been priceless.

almost newlyweds

Just helped my sister in law move her stuff into her fiancee's house last night. They get married in one week and it just brings back all those pre-wedding emotions & events from my wedding seven years ago. I wouldn't rewind time even if I could! All those first-year issues. I remember hubby and I actually argued over the toothpaste tube. Yes, how cliche, huh? We were both choosing that moment to be so stubborn and actually argue whether the tube should be rolled up (it was half empty) or kept straight. I would squeeze it straight and he wanted it rolled up as it was used. How amusing now, although it wasn't at the time. We actually had two tubes of toothpaste at one point, just so we could do our own thing! Anyone have any ridiculous arguments your first year of marriage?