playtime conversations

It's interesting to hear children imaginary play. My daughter and her friend were playing today and they were taking turns being the mommy. They were taking turns telling each other to "turn that tv off or I'll spank your behind." Now, yes, we do spank, but that phrase has not come out of my mouth. Spanking is our consequence to disobedience, so I guess it's a natural connection, but it just amazed me at their choice in imaginary playtime topic. Guess she'll be ready when she's a mom :-)

case of the "blahs"

Proverbs 14:10 says,
"The heart knows its own bitterness, And a stranger does not share its joy. "

I'm not sure what's been going on these past two days, but I have just really felt "blah." Yesterday I felt a maddening need to clean the house and put everything away (but that's typical on my day back from being away). Poor Lynn was the brunt of most of my emotion, as I was losing my patience faster than normal. Having been at the grandparents for almost two weeks, she was used to the constant attention and fun, which was not happening at home yesterday. Today we went to the movies with a friend, so this morning was a little more exciting for her.

I searched "contentment" at bible gateway and found the above verse. Matthew Henry explains the verse below:


"Every man feels most from his own burden, especially that which is a burden upon the spirits, for that is commonly concealed and the sufferer keeps it to himself. We must not censure the griefs of others, for we know not what they feel; their stroke perhaps is heavier than their groaning."

I can agree with that. Hubby wanted to know what was wrong last night and I had no explanation other than trying to describe the emotions I was feeling: dissatisfied, discontent, and maybe a little sad. I couldn't pinpoint the "why" though, which of course dh wanted :-) But, even if he understood, he wouldn't be able to feel my emotion to the depth that I do.
After losing Nathan, everyone has been saying "Do what you feel." "Listen to your feelings." "How do you feel?" I appreciate the sweetness behind that but sometimes I don't even know how to "diagnose" my own feelings. How strange is that? And then sometimes I feel like the more I try and listen to my feelings, the more I am pulled off God's track. I don't think God wants me wallowing in my feelings, but instead focusing on Him and His future for me. Where's the balance? Grieving vs. wallowing? Focusing on feeling vs. focusing on reality? I am more of a follow-by-reason than a follow-by-emotion kind of gal. I guess that's why this case of the blahs has me feeling, well, confused. This summer has been so go-go, after losing Nathan, that all my energy has been focused on the day to day and I haven't really stopped. Until now.

giveaway here, giveaway there

Check out all of the giveaways for the Bloggy Giveaway Carnival!
For example, here's one by Sonnybrook Farm Design. I am beginning to sew myself (curtains and pillows!) and love the cute tote that she's made and is giving away.

Happy 100!

In honor of my 100th post and since I'm so excited to be back with my husband after being apart for two weeks, I'm posting a list of "100 ways to say I love you." Feel free to use one on your own honey this week!

1. I adore you.
2. I am infatuated with you.
3. I appreciate you.
4. I can't live without you.
5. I can't stop thinking about you when we're apart.
6. I cherish you.
7. I dream of you.
8. I live for our love.
9. I love being around you.
10. I need you by my side.
11. I can't live without you.
12. I need you.
13. I respect you.
14. I value you.
15.I want a lifetime with you.
16. I want you.
17. I worship you.
18. I yearn for you.
19. I'm a better person because of you.
20. I'm blessed to have you in my life.
21. I'm devoted to you.
22. I'm fond of you.
23. I'm lost without you.
24. I'm nothing without you.
25. I'm passionate about you.
26. I'm thankful for you.
27. I'm yours.
28. Me and you. Always.
29. My love is unconditional.
30. Our love is invaluable.
31. Take me* I'm yours.
32. The thought of you brings a smile to my face.
33. Together* forever.
34. We were meant to be together.
35. You are a blessing in disguise.
36. You are an angel from God.
37. You are like a candle burning bright.
38. You are my crush.
39. You are my dear.
40. You are my everything.
41. You are my one and only.
42. You are my reason for living.
43. You are my strength.
44. You are my sunshine.
45. You are my treasure.
46. You are my world.
47. You are precious.
48. You are the light of my life.
49. You are the reason I'm alive.
50. You bring happiness to rainy days.
51. You bring joy to my life.
52. You cast a spell on me that can't be broken.
53. You complete me.
54. You drive me wild.
55. You fill me with desire.
56. You fill my heart.
57. You give me wings to fly.
58. You had me from hello.
59. You hold the key to my heart.
60. You inspire me.
61. You intoxicate me.
62. You lift me up to touch the sky.
63. You light my flame.
64. You light up my life.
65. You make me hot.
66. You make my heart skip a beat.
67. You make my world a better place.
68. You mean the world to me.
69. You motivate me.
70. You rock my world.
71. You seduce me.
72. You set my heart on fire.
73. You simply amaze me.
74. You stole my heart.
75. You sweeten my sour days.
76. You turn my world upside down.
77. You turn the darkness into life.
78. You're a dream come true.
79. You're a gem.
80. You're a twinkle in my eye.
81. You're absolutely wonderful.
82. You're all I want.
83. You're as beautiful as a sunset.
84. You're beautiful.
85. You're charming.
86. You're enchanting.
87. You're heavenly.
88. You're my angel.
89. You're my perfect match.
90. You're one in a million.
91. You're priceless.
92. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.
93. You're the best.
94. You're the diamond in the rough.
95. You're the one for me.
96. You're the light of my eye.
97. You're my happiness
98. You're all I need.
99. You're the miracle of my life.
100. You're the one I've always wished for

back to routine?

Going home tomorrow after visiting my folks for 10 days. The week before that my hubby and I were apart as he was away at youth camp. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to a little quiet time with my husband when we get back. Lynn actually talked to him on the phone today (she is not a big phone-talker, somehow I'm sure I'll miss these days when she hits teenage years) and made his day. Somehow I'm ready for the fall and for the craziness of summer to subside. Even though I will be sending my only child off to kindergarten and will have an incredibly quiet house, I am ready. I think the Lord's been preparing me for the occasion by giving me some great summer memories but also letting me see just how "grown up" she is and how ready she is to be a "big kid." I don't look forward to sending her off to be under another's care most of the day, to be influenced by a classroom full of other children, or to be exposed to who knows what else. However, I am excited to be able to send her to a great Christian school and can't wait to see her grow academically and socially. I pray daily for the Lord to use her and praise Him for the plans He has for her life. (Jer. 29:11)

Mermaids

My daughter and I went shopping for kid's sunglasses today and found a couple of pairs to try on. One of the glasses we looked at was by the B*rat*z brand and Lynn wanted to try those on. We looked at the tag together where I pointed out that Mommy didn't like this brand because the girls don't dress modestly. I've been bringing up the modest thing now (the earlier the better, right?) and well, she took my comment and agreed with me that their clothes weren't covering their belly, etc. So, fast forward a few hours (after picking out another pair of sunglasses) when we're at home. Lynn comes into the kitchen with her Ariel barbie doll and says, "Mommy, Ariel's not dressed very modestly, is she?" Ah! So she was listening! Nice :-)

airplanes

I'm just sitting here... listening to "Watching Airplanes" by Gary Allen. Ever done that? I just read an old post by Fiddledeedee about loving the airport - the airport itself is a getaway for her. I just flew up to my folks this past week and recently experienced the airport. My daughter loved crying out, "Here comes one!" and then watching the plane land and taxi into it's "parking spot." There's something reassuring about watching them fly in and out. It's like an ocean wave. Life is constantly moving. When I was in the hospital delivering my son, time moved on, despite my world crashing to a complete stop with the news of his death. But, there's something reassuring about the world continuing on. God is still in control. Tomorrow will come. Time will help heal.

no clue

Who knew that when I started this blog about a year ago, that the name would be so poignant for such a time as this? Just about nine weeks ago, the quicksand threatened to pull me under. At 36 weeks pregnant, I lost my little boy. My unborn son. Suddenly lifeless inside me. The shock, the confusion, the sadness, the anger. I think I experienced all the stages of grief within one short moment of hearing the words, "I'm sorry. There is no heartbeat." from the OB doctor. I wanted to sign back on to this blog and write this post to tell you how amazing God is. God has given my husband and I such a tremendous sense of peace. He's allowed me to have joy (not happiness, but joy) despite the pain. James 1's message of "joy despite trials" is possible because we have such an amazing God, truly. I have no clue how people without faith in Christ can do it. Relying on yourself to understand the "whys" and get past the "what ifs" get you nowhere. Only God can one day answer those questions and until then, I am resting in His mercy. He's got my son in heaven and I am amazed, when I stop to think, of what he must be experiencing. He knows nothing of the pain and suffering and evil here on earth, but only of the glory of God. Man, what an honor! To be praising our Savior, in person! It'd be so selfish of me to pull him out of heaven (if I could) to bring him to earth to experience the "world" vs. heaven. 

I, obviously, would never ever have wanted to lose my baby and I have mourned his loss and had some rough days, but God has allowed me to overcome the grief and focus on the future. I think of my son daily, in some aspect or another, but wouldn't want it any other way. Thinking of him reminds me that he was real and those nine months of pregnancy really did happen. Otherwise it would just feel like a dream. Already details of the pregnancy and his delivery have faded and that makes me sad. I don't ever want to forget that I have a son, as well as a daughter. One day I will get to see him again. Until then, I will rest in my Father's peace knowing that my son is resting in His arms.