June 24, 2008

"happy" 1-month to my little man,
Ah how I wish I were celebrating like "normal" with you in my arms and me reminiscing over labor and deliver. I miss you and all the would-have-beens, little man. So. much.
My original due date was friday, the 20th. How odd to have still been pregnant this extra month. It feels like forever since May 24th! I still look at your picture daily to remind myself you are real. Last night, I put my hand on my stomach as I was reading and tried to remember what it felt like, only one month ago when you were still moving around inside.
Father God, if/when you give us another child, help me to treasure each feeling of life within me. I did treasure Nathan's life within me, but just fill me with awe and wonder over your creation again (when that time comes). I praise You and thank You for the peace You have covered me with. That's how I would describe it - this cloak or covering that has soothed me. I would also say it's a filling - like you took the holes and plugged them with Your love and grace, and then refilled my heart back up with peace. Thank you.

June 18, 2008

I still smile when I reach for this journal and see the boat on the cover. I insisted on the need for a non-flower/non-girly journal. Somehow I knew I was having a boy :-) Not a day goes by that my thoughts don't eventually make it back to little Nathan. They just flit over this and that, focusing on life in the moment, but inevitably wondering what I'd be doing or how my day would be different were he still living. My due date would be this friday. I can't imagine still being pregnant. It feels like forever ago that we went through that horrifying day of saying hello and goodbye to our son. Mom's here now, keeping her original flight out here that she had booked earlier in my pregnancy to help watch Lynn during my delivery. The week that I've spent the last nine months waiting for is here - what a change in plans. God, I ask that you hold me in Your arms. I completely trust Your ways. I feel like I am always praying for contentment, but I ask for that now - help me to savor each day of life, each day you give me.
A few days ago I was looking on the internet for doctors that specialize in high risk pregnancies, for the next time. I got up to go in the other room for something and I felt You saying "My time, not yours." I went back to the computer and shut all the browser windows. Father, help me to wait on You, to let my heart heal, to be reliant on You. I am not ready to be pregnant again, yet I long for a baby. Help me to grieve Nathan and wait on You. You say that those who wait upon the Lord will be lifted like on eagle's wings. I want you to carry me, You to guide me, and You to ready my heart and body for when the time is right to try again.
I try to look on the "positives" of not having a baby right now but then feel bad when I do because I wanted and was ready and looking forward to Nathan's arrival. These hormones, emotions, and the way I over-think so many things is just so complicated :-)
God, guide and direct my paths. Help my eyes to see You in every moment. Amen.

June 9, 2008

God, I praise You for this sense of peace. You're teaching me contentment. To be content where You've brought me. My summer will not be all I had dreamed it would be. It will not include a little boy named Nathan. It will not include learning how to juggle two children. It will not include painting a nursery blue for our new little boy. However, it will include moments of sadness and moments of joy. It will include time without work, spent with my daughter before she goes off to kindergarten in the fall. It will include new memories to treasure. Father, I thank you now for what this summer (& year) hold despite my previous dreams and prayers and plans. Your ways are not my ways, but you do have a plan and a purpose for each day in my life - help me to grab a hold of each moment and see You in it. Amen.

Isaiah 26:3-4
3 You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.

4 Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.