Hormones. Emotions. Grief. Wanting life to go on. Wanting to never forget. Feeling as if the last nine months were for nothing. Feeling the last nine months were a gift of feeling life for a short moment in time. Confusion...
My milk's come in and I'm so uncomfortable. Oh how it doesn't seem fair. My body is ready to nurse my newborn. Where is he? Just help the milk to dry up, Lord. Keep my son safe with You. I miss what would have been. Mom's helping me pack away what little I had out in the nursery. Mainly the shower presents. Somehow I'll have to take back all these diapers. I just can't leave it all out. My heart will heal easier with this stuff put away. Maybe for the next one, one day.
I have more babies in heaven than in my home. That hit me today and hurt.
Be with my husband and daughter, Lord, they miss Nathan too. Lynn's so black and white about things. She took the news, processed it, and doesn't have too many questions. Heaven's more of a real place to her now, though, and we were able to share the gospel again under a very real context. She asked about the next baby... such sweet innocence... she wanted to know if our next baby in my belly would be dead. Oh man, that was such a heart-hurting moment. Be with her, as I know thoughts are tumbling in her head. She's like me and doesn't like to talk about feelings & stuff. Her teachers said she came to them for more hugs since being back after this weekend. Thanks for loving, Christian pre-k teachers for her, God. Thanks for our church family who has sent more cards than I can count, come to see us even though they don't know what to say (at the hospital and at home), & brought so much food that I don't have to think about meals for weeks. Thanks for our real family, who drove all the way here as soon as we said, "help." I know they are hurting and confused as well. Be glorified in this, God, somehow... use me through this confusion and hurt.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
May 27, 2008
... They brought you back to me wrapped in the white fluffy blanket from Grams and put you in my arms. The feeling of you in my arms is a feeling I hope I never forget. It's what God gives mommies - we have this need for a baby to hold to our chest. It just builds all nine months along with you. When you were placed in my arms, I pulled you in close. That's what I feel "cheated" of now - the desire for you in my arms leaves them aching at times. God gave us such a sweet time of goodbye that early morning. I rocked you in my arms, tears streaming down my face, singing to you the two songs I'd sing to Lynn as an infant to calm her down - "Amazing Grace" and "I Love You, Lord." I don't blame God for this. I'm clinging to the hope, to the knowledge that He only desires the best for me. While I can't even fathom while this is in His plan, I rest in assurance He will one day show me.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
journal, the day my world crashed
Journal dated May 25, 2008, around 2am.
I delivered Nathan the 24th at 10p and this journal was written as I was waiting to see him again (nurses took him to clean and dress him - something I just honestly couldn't handle), trying to process it all. This is a little "newsy" but quite literally I was just still in shock, hoping to record some of the details that I thought I might forget after time. I'm hoping that just by sharing I'll help someone out there who is going through the same thing... experiencing the shock of the moment, the unfairness of the event, the unthinkable of what comes next. My prayers are for all of you that are going through this! If I can pray for you specifically, please don't hesitate to contact me.
To my little Nathan, who is in heaven,
There are no words to even describe what I'm feeling - shock, sadness, despair, sorrow, whirlwind, how, when, grief. Those are the ones that come out first.
Today is your birth and death date. You were perfectly formed - lots of dark hair, five fingers on each hand, five toes on each foot. 5 lbs, 2.5 oz. So little you were pushed out in only about 10 minutes, ending at 10:05p.
It all began this morning, when I woke up after still not feeling you move the previous night. I called the doctor's office and the nurse on call said to drink caffeine then lay down for one hour. During that hour, I only felt one possible movement so she sent me to the hospital. We got here around 11a. That's about when our life took a horrible nose-dive. The nurse could not find your heartbeat. She called Dr. L who eventually came in with an ultrasound machine. After scanning you, he turned to me and said, "I'm sorry." Those words immediately brought me back to when I learned of the miscarriage of baby #2, your sister or brother. I don't remember what I said (probably "what?") however the heaviness and sorrow that descended upon me was immediate.
Very low fluid levels was pretty much the first diagnosis. The "unfairness" feeling hit me, as I'd JUST gone to the doctor on Thursday afternoon and measured right on target! How could I lose fluid when my water didn't break and I wasn't leaking? Apparently fluid wasn't produced Friday and Saturday? The level might have already been low - I'd lost weight my past two appointments. Of course I look back and question...
I decided I was "ready" to just start labor then. I felt so upset, again "unfairness" that I still had to go through labor and delivery. That seemed unthinkable.
Well the unthinkable started with a pill deposited by my cervix at 1:30p, contractions began, and dilation slowly began. I got an epidural (one that made my left leg more numb than my uterus! I was so upset w/ the anesthesiologist). By 6:30p, I was at three cm's and by 9:30p I was feeling the downward push of pressure. We cleared the room of guests (our sweet, sweet church family) and got ready for delivery.
You came out with the cord loosely wrapped around your neck and barely any fluid (causes?) You came out dark-complexioned (which the doctor warned about) and with lots of dark hair. It was really hard to see you non-living, non-breathing. I kinda felt disconnected...
I delivered Nathan the 24th at 10p and this journal was written as I was waiting to see him again (nurses took him to clean and dress him - something I just honestly couldn't handle), trying to process it all. This is a little "newsy" but quite literally I was just still in shock, hoping to record some of the details that I thought I might forget after time. I'm hoping that just by sharing I'll help someone out there who is going through the same thing... experiencing the shock of the moment, the unfairness of the event, the unthinkable of what comes next. My prayers are for all of you that are going through this! If I can pray for you specifically, please don't hesitate to contact me.
To my little Nathan, who is in heaven,
There are no words to even describe what I'm feeling - shock, sadness, despair, sorrow, whirlwind, how, when, grief. Those are the ones that come out first.
Today is your birth and death date. You were perfectly formed - lots of dark hair, five fingers on each hand, five toes on each foot. 5 lbs, 2.5 oz. So little you were pushed out in only about 10 minutes, ending at 10:05p.
It all began this morning, when I woke up after still not feeling you move the previous night. I called the doctor's office and the nurse on call said to drink caffeine then lay down for one hour. During that hour, I only felt one possible movement so she sent me to the hospital. We got here around 11a. That's about when our life took a horrible nose-dive. The nurse could not find your heartbeat. She called Dr. L who eventually came in with an ultrasound machine. After scanning you, he turned to me and said, "I'm sorry." Those words immediately brought me back to when I learned of the miscarriage of baby #2, your sister or brother. I don't remember what I said (probably "what?") however the heaviness and sorrow that descended upon me was immediate.
Very low fluid levels was pretty much the first diagnosis. The "unfairness" feeling hit me, as I'd JUST gone to the doctor on Thursday afternoon and measured right on target! How could I lose fluid when my water didn't break and I wasn't leaking? Apparently fluid wasn't produced Friday and Saturday? The level might have already been low - I'd lost weight my past two appointments. Of course I look back and question...
I decided I was "ready" to just start labor then. I felt so upset, again "unfairness" that I still had to go through labor and delivery. That seemed unthinkable.
Well the unthinkable started with a pill deposited by my cervix at 1:30p, contractions began, and dilation slowly began. I got an epidural (one that made my left leg more numb than my uterus! I was so upset w/ the anesthesiologist). By 6:30p, I was at three cm's and by 9:30p I was feeling the downward push of pressure. We cleared the room of guests (our sweet, sweet church family) and got ready for delivery.
You came out with the cord loosely wrapped around your neck and barely any fluid (causes?) You came out dark-complexioned (which the doctor warned about) and with lots of dark hair. It was really hard to see you non-living, non-breathing. I kinda felt disconnected...
Thursday, May 22, 2008
journal, the day before my world crashed
I keep a journal with each pregnancy. My hope is that one day to pass it on to each child, when they are expecting their first child. This was my journal entry dated May 22 (the day before I stopped feeling Nathan move). I was 36 weeks along.
Hi little sweet one from the Lord,
Do you know how simply precious you are? The Lord has "fearfully & wonderfully" made you and continues to form your little body even now as I write. (Psalm 139:14). Your tiny fingers and toes which started from nothing until God joined together two cells and continued multiplying them. You were a life, a person, a child from that very beginning moment. So much more than a clump of DNA or some random pack of cells! You were and are worth so much more. God knows and has a plan for you even now! (Jeremiah 29:11). Dear one, I look forward to seeing the Lord's hand in your life. I pray that He would give your daddy and I His wisdom in raising you with, not just a knowledge of God, but a fear and awe of all that You are.
The pregnancy is still going well. I have my moments. I had one night (middle of night) with a very painful leg cramp. I rolled over and all of the sudden my calf tensed up. Boy did that hurt! The nosebleeds and headaches have not been coming as frequently, although 1-3 months ago, I was having them every other day or so. My biggest problem now is just being so uncomfortable in bed - my hips hurt from laying on my side. I just might have to start abandoning daddy and sleep on the recliner.
I have been having contractions - just braxton hicks - EXCEPT last Monday! I was driving home from work and felt pain all the way around - back to belly. It would come and go away in a few seconds, returning about three minutes later. I got home, layed down, still having them every 2-3 mins., lasting 4-5 seconds each. It went on for about 20 minutes then subsided. I guess you're getting ready :-) I'm ready for you whenevr. Lynn's ready to meet you. My friend had her little girl a week or so ago and Lynn said "I wish it were our baby's turn to come!" I do need to get the baby stuff down and start to wash some things! Plus start to pack a hospital bag. Maybe. Just in case. You could be my early baby, as opposed to your sister at ten days late. I go to the doctor today so we'll see how everything looks. Maybe those contractions will have helped me start dilating. I've only gained 15 lbs. so far. I love you, kiddo. I enjoy feeling your little hands and feet inside me, but keep growing and come out when God guides you. :-)
added later:
"stats" from our appointment:
lost weight! down to total weight gain of 13.5 lbs. (doctor's not concerned b/c you're measuring right on target!)
your heartbeat (as always, and as your sister, at the lower end of the range): 131 bpm
Hi little sweet one from the Lord,
Do you know how simply precious you are? The Lord has "fearfully & wonderfully" made you and continues to form your little body even now as I write. (Psalm 139:14). Your tiny fingers and toes which started from nothing until God joined together two cells and continued multiplying them. You were a life, a person, a child from that very beginning moment. So much more than a clump of DNA or some random pack of cells! You were and are worth so much more. God knows and has a plan for you even now! (Jeremiah 29:11). Dear one, I look forward to seeing the Lord's hand in your life. I pray that He would give your daddy and I His wisdom in raising you with, not just a knowledge of God, but a fear and awe of all that You are.
The pregnancy is still going well. I have my moments. I had one night (middle of night) with a very painful leg cramp. I rolled over and all of the sudden my calf tensed up. Boy did that hurt! The nosebleeds and headaches have not been coming as frequently, although 1-3 months ago, I was having them every other day or so. My biggest problem now is just being so uncomfortable in bed - my hips hurt from laying on my side. I just might have to start abandoning daddy and sleep on the recliner.
I have been having contractions - just braxton hicks - EXCEPT last Monday! I was driving home from work and felt pain all the way around - back to belly. It would come and go away in a few seconds, returning about three minutes later. I got home, layed down, still having them every 2-3 mins., lasting 4-5 seconds each. It went on for about 20 minutes then subsided. I guess you're getting ready :-) I'm ready for you whenevr. Lynn's ready to meet you. My friend had her little girl a week or so ago and Lynn said "I wish it were our baby's turn to come!" I do need to get the baby stuff down and start to wash some things! Plus start to pack a hospital bag. Maybe. Just in case. You could be my early baby, as opposed to your sister at ten days late. I go to the doctor today so we'll see how everything looks. Maybe those contractions will have helped me start dilating. I've only gained 15 lbs. so far. I love you, kiddo. I enjoy feeling your little hands and feet inside me, but keep growing and come out when God guides you. :-)
added later:
"stats" from our appointment:
lost weight! down to total weight gain of 13.5 lbs. (doctor's not concerned b/c you're measuring right on target!)
your heartbeat (as always, and as your sister, at the lower end of the range): 131 bpm
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